124- Naked

Don't worry it is not what you think!  I am naked while fully clothed!  Today I was having lunch with a very special long time friend.  While talking I started to cry.  (I know what you are thinking.... yep that sounds like Beth)  I know I cry, I know when music touches me I get weepy.  I know when a child of mine, or anyones child gets up and praises God, I cry.  I know when I preach, I cry.   One could say I cry easily, but recently it is so much worse.  Sunday when I arrived home after running 5 miles, Chris asked what my average pace was and as soon as I started to tell him, I started crying.  I was so happy, so relieved!  While watching a video about the race, I saw a picture of a mother and daughter running and I started to cry.  Today, what I was saying was not that big a deal, but I started crying.  I told Sondra that recently I have become much more weepy.  I feel raw.  She said something brilliant.  She said, "perhaps it is that you are naked, without all that crap you used to carry around." 

I have thought about being naked before, but naked from the stand point that I try to be very blunt and honest in my writing.  Not holding back.  When she said that today, it rang true!  I do feel lighter,  I feel more alive, I feel more in touch with my feelings, I feel free.  All of this I have longed for for so long.  I still have a ways to go but I'm getting there.

Today, we had finance committee and they approved my budget which gives me an intern for the summer.  The intern will be Becca Anderson whom I love and whom I know will do a terrific job.  As I left the board room and shut the door behind me I did a silent happy dance.  You know the happy dance like Julia Roberts does in the Pretty Woman movie.  Well that was me today, in the office, in front of all the student workers.  They thought I was crazy.   I was almost as excited, that I did the happy dance without thinking, as I was about why I was doing the happy dance.  Then the very next moment tears were filling my eyes and the students were completely perplexed.  It was the first time I have ever done a spontaneous happy dance.

Things are changing for me.  I am not wearing as much (C) as I used to!  I am not playing in it, cherishing it!

So tonight I am praising God that I am a little more naked.  Thanking God for taking me on this journey.  I am thankful for the moments when I feel wrapped up in a huge, soft, plush white terry cloth  robe.  I cherish the moments when I can smell the fragrance of the lotion.  It is amazing how beautiful life smells when you are willing to wash away the (C). 

A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Matt 8:2


A forty two year old woman came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me  clean"  Thank you Lord for working in my life, for the softness of the robe and sweet smell of a life with you!

123- Finding Joy!

I have been up for 14 hours, going non stop.  I had 3 hours of sleep last night so needless to say I am ready to crash.  This morning as I got ready to face a long foggy drive, a day filled with meetings, phone calls to return, and students to work with, I thought of when Paul says, "consider it all Joy".  Consider it all Joy has been in the back of my mind. 

I took the time to call my parents as I drove (helps to keep me awake).  We had a wonderful conversation.  Daddy told me about flying to Texas to help my niece find a church she would feel comfortable in. Her mother, my brothers ex wife is a lesbian, and Suzanne wanted to find a church that she could take her mother.  Not an easy thing to find, which is sad.  So my dad flew to Texas to visit with pastors and churches to see if there was any church that would welcome her.  He found one!  Believe it or not, he found one.  He then proceeded to describe what a powerful service it was.  Listening to him be so moved about simply finding a church where my niece can attend alone or with her mother was powerful. I found such joy in listening to my fathers passion.  Listening to him fight for anyone.  I was impressed!  JOY JOY!

Then was able to have a lunch meeting with a group of people I really enjoy.  Joy!

Spend a few minutes with a friend... JOY!

Work with students as they practice music to praise God.  JOY! JOY!

Had several conversations with potential student families.  JOY!

Found a possible solution for keeping track of people.  JOY!

Said hello to the grandparents who are looking so good. JOY!

Enjoyed a piece of Fresh Apple Pie in bed :) JOY! (Shhhh)

Tonight I am so grateful for the scripture that was in my mind this morning.  So thankful for the concept that even when things are terrible, because we serve an amazing God, who likes to do things in ways that don't make sense us,  we can do the impossible which is to consider it all JOY!

122 - A, "Wow.... Really", Moment

This morning I awoke with an unrelenting thought.  The thought was this, if I am running with my girls, I need to do all I can for this to be a great experience for them, and I know Anna would love to dress up and if we are a team then we should all dress up. (For those of you who don't understand, the Princess 1/2 Marathon is a run where many of the runners dress up.  There are lots of  tutus, tiaras, full princess costumes, and lots of all things girly!)  However, I can't begin to tell you how much I don't want to dress up.  I have always hated the idea of dress up.  I don't care if everyone is doing it, I don't want to look like someone else and I could not think of anyway possible to dress up "princessy" and still be me.  The unrelenting thoughts of my girls desire to dress up,  finally got me out of bed to get my computer and try to get this thing figured out.  After breakfast with Chris and kissing him goodbye, I settled down with my computer. I came up with a couple ideas, called my girls, we talked and made a decision.  I am not going to share all the details, you will have to wait for pictures.  Lets just say we are all very excited!  Talk about stepping outside of my comfort zone!

Later thinking about the race, I again started getting worried.  Then I thought of my brothers and said, "I sure wish I was like my brothers who one day decided to run a triathlon and the next day ran it. Why can't I have their genes"  Then I thought, "Wow really.... I DO have their genes."  I have just never tried to do anything major and physical.  But seriously I do come from the same parents.  I can't tell you how many times I have wished I was like my brothers and my sister.  They are talented, handsome/beautiful, adventuresome, frankly good at most things they try, just wonderful! I can distinctly remember events, when I would sit back and look at my family and wish I was like them.  The sad thing is.......... I am like them.  We are family and very similar.  I have just not valued myself enough to see the similarities. So today, driving home I actually yelled at myself and proclaimed out loud that I am just like my amazing siblings and I just need to realize that God created me with all kinds of abilities and if I don't acknowledge them, I am dishonoring Him!  Becca Anderson posted on her facebook this wonderful quote, "By respecting yourself, you're respecting God".

So tonight I am acknowledging the genetic basket I was given by God and am honoring Him by doing so.

Tonight I am setting down the (C) of  being so stiff,  I can't dress up and be silly!

121- Alone and counting my blessings

Earlier today I went for a run.  I am falling desperately behind in training for the half marathon which is coming up very soon.  So today was incredibly important.  I have been the most concerned about the time issue.  For this race you have to maintain a 16min. mile average, or they will pick you up and carry you to the finish line in a truck!  I have been very concerned because I am very very slow.  So today I down loaded a new app for my phone that tracks distance and will give you your average pace every minute. I was terrified.  I start the warm up by walking two minutes. Those two minutes, my average pace was around 19 min. miles.  I was so discouraged, in just two minutes.  I just kept telling myself, don't get discouraged this is just your warm up and I knew it would be bad.  Then I ran for a minute, walked for two, ran for one. At the end of the second run my average time was an 11min. mile.  I was convinced that it was a mistake.  Then after walking up a very long hill that took several minutes, my time was 12 min.  Still very good.  Instead of being happy, instead of feeling great, I spent most of my five mile run sure that the app must be wrong.  I was dreading the end of the run, because I was sure the time was going to be drastically different.  I was sure it was not possible that I had done that well! Convinced! So I get home, do the calculations (because I don't trust the app) and it was dead on!  I ran 5.1 miles, averaging 13.13 minute miles. Then I was angry.  Angry that I used so much energy being  completely convinced that I was so much worse than I was.  I am not doing that any more.  That is some (C) that I am going to wash off once and for all.  I have never run a half marathon and I have no idea how it will be but I will just move forward and do my best.  End of story!  No (C) allowed on my runs!!!!!!


Tonight Chris is staying at the church to help out with Room at the Inn, a program where homeless men come and stay at our church.  It is a way to help get homeless men out of the cold.  At one point this afternoon when Chris was packing up and headed out the door I was sad. We are together so little that I was wishing he wouldn't go.  Then tonight as I sat by my fire, in my comfy chair, eating delicious food, I thought how incredibly selfish that I even for a second didn't want to give up my husband to help out with getting men out of the cold and off the street.  Seriously, how selfish and  self centric! 

So tonight I am reminded of the most important part of this process. Turning my focus to all things true and good! After all to live without the (C) there has to be something in its place.  So tonight I am going to count my blessings. 

I am thankful for my husband, who loves me and knows me!
I am thankful for my children.
I am thankful for a warm home.
I am thankful for a fireplace.
I am thankful for health.
I am thankful for food.
I am thankful for the ability to run!
And most importantly...I am thankful  to have a relationship with Jesus Christ!

120- Beautiful Things

All this pain. I wonder if I’ll ever find my way. I wonder if my life could really change at all. All this earth. Could all that is lost ever be found. Could a garden come up from this ground at all.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around. Hope is springing up from this old ground. Out of chaos life is being found in You.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

 My brother and his family band played this song for my niece's baptism.  It was a beautiful thing .... :)  Today I had a beautiful thing happen.  An unexpected, beautiful thing.  Today as I was leaving church, a beautiful woman, a beautiful friend stopped me.  Just last week, she had asked to be included in the blog.  She proceeded to tell me that she has not been able to stop reading and how it has been a blessing etc.  We had a very special moment.  She was crying. I was crying.  May not sound beautiful, but it was! She affirmed me. She ministered to me!  We connected.  Mind you, she has always been someone I admire and has inspired me to walk proud.  She is a woman with a beautiful glow about her.

So after leaving church, Chris and I were having a conversation and I realized that I was really struggling.  Struggling with what to do with her affirmation.   It makes me uncomfortable.  Part of me wants to shut her down.  Tell her she is crazy.  To not accept it   I also want to be able to just accept it and to tell her thank you.  My struggle is simply this, where is the line between "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..."  versus,  "Before his downfall a man's heart is proud, but humility comes before honor" Prov. 18:12 ..  For some reason, the knowledge that we must be humble keeps me from trying to excel. Wanting to be humble keeps me from accepting affirmation.  Yet I know, we are to affirm each other.  Since we are to affirm each other, there must be a way to accept it without being prideful!

I heard Barry Black talking about hearing a gifted speaker and then asking God to help Him become excellent.  He was determined to not be just OK but to be excellent.  The greatness he saw in the other speakers was their ability to deliver a powerful message without being tied to notes.  He wanted to be able to have eye contact and still deliver a powerful message.  Here is the dumb founding part for me.  After relaying this experience, he told this beautiful story of how God helped him to become excellent! It was uplifting and the focus was on God, yet...yet he was acknowledging that he had excelled.  I don't know how to do that.  I was impressed with His determination to excellent.  I was impressed that he could acknowledge his gift, natural or learned, all while glorifying God.  If he had not been willing to share the story, to tell about his achievement, then he would not have adequately glorified God.  Yet, every time I even think about trying to excel - to really succeed, I coward.  I retreat.  I don't exactly know why.  I know it has something to do with feeling that if I am going to succeed it needs to be a God thing but that tends to translate, do nothing.  Which is stupid.  If I am working - if I am practicing - if I am searching for a way to succeed, it does not mean I am trying to be prideful!  Humility is the simple understanding that all is from HIM!

I write this and yet even as I do, I question it all. I have struggled with this post. I feel the need for it to be a theologically sound, scripture laden study. The reason is because even as I write what I believe, I hear things like, "You prideful b****," and a pile of other (C).  I think of the times my mother pushed off compliments people were making of me when I was young.  I think of the piles of (C) including insecurities, a fear of failure and general feelings of inadequacies that contribute to my inability to pursue excellence. I want to pursue excellence while making sure it all is done to glorify God.  I don't know how to do that. 

I believe:

God wants us to do great things for Him!
God will be glorified if my heart is connected to His!
There is a lot of (C) that has held me back!
He wants me to put it down and experience the possibilities!
Humility is acknowledging the source of all that is good!
Humility is not debilitating!
Humility is not beating up self, but selfless!

Today I believe it, now I just need to live it!

Today I want to believe what the words of this song say,  He will make beautiful things.... HE will make beautiful things out of me!!!!!  HE! HE! will make beautiful things out of me!" 

But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me--and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace. 1 Cor. 15:10

Enjoy my brothers families version of the song.

Steen Family

K-LOVE - JJ Heller "Your Hands" LIVE