Sunday morning of camp meeting is usually a wonderful time. We are able to clean, pack up and then go to Shoneys for breakfast. It has been a long standing family tradition. This Sunday was very different. Yes we had to pack and clean but then we were off to Pisgah to host an open house. The team gathered and we headed over to the school. Becca, already had things together and was going strong. It was amazing watching her work, her spark, her ideas. It was such a blessing.
Open House was a huge success. Several families attended, we served lunch to 55 people, gave tours, and 5 families had conversations with Kevin, the finance guy! That is usually a very good sign.
After Open House we started cleaning up and packing to head 6 plus hours to the coast. Things were a mess and I spent time trying to get things organized and know what we wanted to do! After getting everything loaded, after getting everything in the shuttle, we said our goodby's, and I started the shuttle. Before heading off campus, I felt impressed that I needed to look for my credit card. All week at camp meeting, my daughter Anna and her friend Brittani took my credit card to do the grocery shopping. I thought they had put in back in my wallet but I wasn't sure. I decided to check and sure enough I had nothing. I did find another card to a different account, it was not the account with school funds in it, I was so disappointed. I was disappointed in myself for not making sure I had my card. I was disappointed that I had to call my husband and ask him to bale me out. I had no choice, I called Chris to find out the balance on the other card. In a few minutes we were set and on our way.
It is amazing to me how such a little thing can impact me so much. I just forgot to get the card and yet it created this layer of self loathing. This layer of (C). I literally start calling myself names. It took a while for me to let go of it. As we drove and talked I finally was able to let it go. To focus on the people around me. To find joy in the blessings I was experiencing.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
252-Sabbath Camp meeting style!
Sabbath is a crazy day at camp meeting. We have huge numbers of people to feed, meetings to speak in, and people to greet! Becca had asked if we could do worship at sunrise up on the hill next to this huge cross over looking the lake. It is a beautiful spot and it was a wonderful team building idea for this amazing group of students, I will be working with all summer. However sunrise, really? That is like 6a.m.
I agreed and we told the students to meet us in the shuttle at 5:50. We could walk but that would add lots of time so we drove up. As we were waiting for the last couple students to arrive we talked about how we didn't expect one of the students to be there. Bradley. Bradley was working for the book store this week and he would be working saterday night until 3a.m. or so. He wanted to sleep in Sat. morning to get some sleep. We agreed he didn't have to come. After everyone else was there we decided he was a no show and headed up the hill to the cross. Arriving at the top, we see a car parked up there and Becca exclaimed, "Oh no someone else is here... Oh well.... it will be fine." As we get out of the shuttle Bradley gets out of the car. We hadn't recognized his car. I can not begin to tell you how excited we were to have the entire team there. We were so thrilled! It felt complete it felt right. Our worship was very special and a moment we will all remember!
Isn't the setting alone enough to make you want to worship. The reminder of what he did for us and then the beauty in the nature he created for us. What a place to worship him! We did and it was an amazing experience because we were all there!
This day started right, continued to be a very blessed day. We met lots of wonderful people, the video was well received and every thing happened.
This day, the sabbath day ended with me going to sleep well before normal bed time, with my husband cleaning the kitchen, so I didn't have to face it the next day!
This day was a day MtC!!!!!! I strongly believe it was because of how it started. My view was of Him and his love, my view was heaven ward, and I was able to go through the day finding Him at every turn. What a blessing these kind of days are!
I also was reminded today of how important it is to our Savior that we all show up! He wants us all, he doesn't want just some, just the cleaned up and pretty, he wants all of us to love him, to give our lives to him! He wants all of us completely. I understood why Bradley wouldn't be there. It was a perfectly good reason, but I still wanted him to be there.
How much more must our Savior rejoice when we come before him!
I agreed and we told the students to meet us in the shuttle at 5:50. We could walk but that would add lots of time so we drove up. As we were waiting for the last couple students to arrive we talked about how we didn't expect one of the students to be there. Bradley. Bradley was working for the book store this week and he would be working saterday night until 3a.m. or so. He wanted to sleep in Sat. morning to get some sleep. We agreed he didn't have to come. After everyone else was there we decided he was a no show and headed up the hill to the cross. Arriving at the top, we see a car parked up there and Becca exclaimed, "Oh no someone else is here... Oh well.... it will be fine." As we get out of the shuttle Bradley gets out of the car. We hadn't recognized his car. I can not begin to tell you how excited we were to have the entire team there. We were so thrilled! It felt complete it felt right. Our worship was very special and a moment we will all remember!
Isn't the setting alone enough to make you want to worship. The reminder of what he did for us and then the beauty in the nature he created for us. What a place to worship him! We did and it was an amazing experience because we were all there!
This day started right, continued to be a very blessed day. We met lots of wonderful people, the video was well received and every thing happened.
This day, the sabbath day ended with me going to sleep well before normal bed time, with my husband cleaning the kitchen, so I didn't have to face it the next day!
This day was a day MtC!!!!!! I strongly believe it was because of how it started. My view was of Him and his love, my view was heaven ward, and I was able to go through the day finding Him at every turn. What a blessing these kind of days are!
I also was reminded today of how important it is to our Savior that we all show up! He wants us all, he doesn't want just some, just the cleaned up and pretty, he wants all of us to love him, to give our lives to him! He wants all of us completely. I understood why Bradley wouldn't be there. It was a perfectly good reason, but I still wanted him to be there.
How much more must our Savior rejoice when we come before him!
251- Friday of Camp meeting
It is hard to believe the week is almost done. It has been a busy and very eventful week. This morning however, I felt overwhelmed. We had to help out with a fun run 5K/Mile Run/Walk that started at 8, which meant we had to be there at 7:30 a.m. That is hard to do when you are tired from a long week.
After working at the fun run we ended up at the house where Chris had breakfast for all of us. As Becca and I talked about the day and all that had to be done, I became overwhelmed. It has been happening more than normal recently. I'm not sure why. This time it was almost crippling. It seemed impossible. As we started talking Becca suggested some things she could help with. Chris asked what he could do, and I gave him a list. In a matter of a couple hours the list was down to almost nothing. It was a team effort for sure, it took me admitting all that needed to be done! Yet with that vulnerability came help that completely changed my day!
It was the most remarkable experience. I went from KNOWing there was no way I would ever finish the list, to, having it ALL done! I sat on the porch and looked at the list sure I must not have put something on it! Surely I had missed something, or many things because just moments earlier I was so stressed. Now there was nothing! As hard as I tried I could not find anything! Again.... I wanted to cry!!!!
This admitting your vulnerability thing is amazing! I will say this.... in a very sick way, I had to adjust to having accomplished so much without killing myself to make it happen. I have gained so much of my self worth, so much of my value from killing myself to get things done. I "like" to sit back at the end of the day exhausted and amazed at all the work I have done, the crazy things that were accomplished. I like to be the one hauling heavy boxes, I like to be the one running errands and do everything that needs to be done. I love being able to tell those around me that I don't need a thing, because that makes me the hero.... I have spent way to much of my life gaining my worth form what I do, what I accomplish, instead of just who I am!
Today living MtC meant letting others help! What a blessed Friday it was!
After working at the fun run we ended up at the house where Chris had breakfast for all of us. As Becca and I talked about the day and all that had to be done, I became overwhelmed. It has been happening more than normal recently. I'm not sure why. This time it was almost crippling. It seemed impossible. As we started talking Becca suggested some things she could help with. Chris asked what he could do, and I gave him a list. In a matter of a couple hours the list was down to almost nothing. It was a team effort for sure, it took me admitting all that needed to be done! Yet with that vulnerability came help that completely changed my day!
It was the most remarkable experience. I went from KNOWing there was no way I would ever finish the list, to, having it ALL done! I sat on the porch and looked at the list sure I must not have put something on it! Surely I had missed something, or many things because just moments earlier I was so stressed. Now there was nothing! As hard as I tried I could not find anything! Again.... I wanted to cry!!!!
This admitting your vulnerability thing is amazing! I will say this.... in a very sick way, I had to adjust to having accomplished so much without killing myself to make it happen. I have gained so much of my self worth, so much of my value from killing myself to get things done. I "like" to sit back at the end of the day exhausted and amazed at all the work I have done, the crazy things that were accomplished. I like to be the one hauling heavy boxes, I like to be the one running errands and do everything that needs to be done. I love being able to tell those around me that I don't need a thing, because that makes me the hero.... I have spent way to much of my life gaining my worth form what I do, what I accomplish, instead of just who I am!
Today living MtC meant letting others help! What a blessed Friday it was!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
250- Wow... that is a big number!
250 is a big number. I'm closing in on the 100 count down. Can't believe it! That is a lot of writing :).
So this is a make up blog for last Thursday...
Today was the day I had to face my fear and admit my failure. I had to talk or message the Editor of the devotional book and let her know it wasn't going to be in. I also had to face my boss and tell him too! Two huge hurdles. Two very uncomfortable moments. I was invited to a coffee shop by my girl, where we could do work on the computer, and get delicious coffee too! I was excited, to spend time with my girl and to be able to blog.... (or so I thought). I also had some labels to make and other work that needed to get done. Off we went. Mr. Anderson was taking the recruiting team out for dinner so I had no responsibilities except to get my work done. We settled down at a wonderful round wooden table in this amazing coffee shop. It was one of those places that just feeds all your senses at once. The tables were rustic and amazing, there was lots of space, the smells were amazing, it was a perfect place to be. Soon after arriving we realized my simple solution to making labels was not going to work. I was devastated. Now I not only had to muster the strength to tell my boss and the editor about the devotional book but I also had to figure out a way to print labels. I almost started crying, I couldn't imagine one more thing going wrong this week. I needed to be proud of something! I needed to feel like I could complete and have something to show for all the hours I work... on and on and on.
There in my despair I started labeling what I could as (C). I literally would picture stinky disgusting crap. This was one of those times when I felt just over whelmed with the stinky stuff so I took some time, closed my eyes and started visualizing the act of putting it down, washing it off. Letting go. I am not a failure if I don't have labels. Stop accepting the crap and ask the Lord to guide and direct. Where do I go from here. What comes next. If I can't print them the way I had planned, then what. About that time I received a call from Rick wanting to make sure we knew we were invited to dinner. I wasn't sure I wanted to go, not sure if I had time, but everyone else seemed interested so we packed up and headed to meet them.
While at the restaurant Rick and I both received texts from the editor wanting to know what was going on. I told Rick and then texted the editor back. We exchanged a few texts over the course of the next hour or so. It was making me sick to my stomach but I kept thinking about leaning on the motorcycle to the right, and I kept just breathing deep and continuing forward. I made it through, although I still felt terrible. Sad really. Sad, I had not been able to get it done, sad, I was disappointing the editor who works so hard to make it happen. Sad, but sad is better than self loathing, self destruction or other piles of crap!
Over all it was a good day. I made those difficult right turns and made it through. Chris helped me buy a printer, (which I have been needing anyway) and by evening we were printing some pretty amazing labels.
I was so thankful for this process today. Thanks to the conscientious efforts to identify and put down the crap I was able to get through a very challenging day.
Today MtC strengthened me. Letting go gave me the strength to make the sharp right hand turn. It gave me the ability to continue on! As I got into bed, I was quite weepy. The tears were, tears of relief and I was so thankful to be crying!
So this is a make up blog for last Thursday...
Today was the day I had to face my fear and admit my failure. I had to talk or message the Editor of the devotional book and let her know it wasn't going to be in. I also had to face my boss and tell him too! Two huge hurdles. Two very uncomfortable moments. I was invited to a coffee shop by my girl, where we could do work on the computer, and get delicious coffee too! I was excited, to spend time with my girl and to be able to blog.... (or so I thought). I also had some labels to make and other work that needed to get done. Off we went. Mr. Anderson was taking the recruiting team out for dinner so I had no responsibilities except to get my work done. We settled down at a wonderful round wooden table in this amazing coffee shop. It was one of those places that just feeds all your senses at once. The tables were rustic and amazing, there was lots of space, the smells were amazing, it was a perfect place to be. Soon after arriving we realized my simple solution to making labels was not going to work. I was devastated. Now I not only had to muster the strength to tell my boss and the editor about the devotional book but I also had to figure out a way to print labels. I almost started crying, I couldn't imagine one more thing going wrong this week. I needed to be proud of something! I needed to feel like I could complete and have something to show for all the hours I work... on and on and on.
There in my despair I started labeling what I could as (C). I literally would picture stinky disgusting crap. This was one of those times when I felt just over whelmed with the stinky stuff so I took some time, closed my eyes and started visualizing the act of putting it down, washing it off. Letting go. I am not a failure if I don't have labels. Stop accepting the crap and ask the Lord to guide and direct. Where do I go from here. What comes next. If I can't print them the way I had planned, then what. About that time I received a call from Rick wanting to make sure we knew we were invited to dinner. I wasn't sure I wanted to go, not sure if I had time, but everyone else seemed interested so we packed up and headed to meet them.
While at the restaurant Rick and I both received texts from the editor wanting to know what was going on. I told Rick and then texted the editor back. We exchanged a few texts over the course of the next hour or so. It was making me sick to my stomach but I kept thinking about leaning on the motorcycle to the right, and I kept just breathing deep and continuing forward. I made it through, although I still felt terrible. Sad really. Sad, I had not been able to get it done, sad, I was disappointing the editor who works so hard to make it happen. Sad, but sad is better than self loathing, self destruction or other piles of crap!
Over all it was a good day. I made those difficult right turns and made it through. Chris helped me buy a printer, (which I have been needing anyway) and by evening we were printing some pretty amazing labels.
I was so thankful for this process today. Thanks to the conscientious efforts to identify and put down the crap I was able to get through a very challenging day.
Today MtC strengthened me. Letting go gave me the strength to make the sharp right hand turn. It gave me the ability to continue on! As I got into bed, I was quite weepy. The tears were, tears of relief and I was so thankful to be crying!
249- Just a side note....
oops.... I am just writing to let you all know, I have been without internet for over a week. Tonight I started taking the notes I have been writing and putting them into a blog. I will be working on that for the next week or so getting caught up. Sorry they are late!
249- Midweek of Campmeeting
Wednesday of camp meeting, perhaps one of the busiest weeks of the year for me. Today I have sick because after working very hard to make it happen I found out for sure that our devotionals will not be ready in time for camp meeting. It is partially my fault, but mostly not. However I realize the perception by most will be that I should have..... I am working on focusing on doing what He wants and yet today is still a struggle. If it interesting, that yesterday I wrote about focusing on doing just for Him and not doing to cover shame.... etc. Then today I am faced with this! SERIOUSLY!!!!! It has been so bad, I have been sick to my stomach, I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof. So today, I went through my day dreading telling anyone, I don't want to tell Mr. A, because he is so kind to me and I want him to be pleased with what I am doing. He will also most definitely get talked to about what I am not doing.... I hate that! I don't want to tell the woman who edits the devotional, this is her baby and she loves having it at Camp meeting. I dread dread dread having to talk with her. I dread the questions from people who come by the booth and ask for one!!!! ERGGGGG!!!!
So today after working at the booth, dreading dreading dreading everything, I head back to the house around 4pm. There is Chris, he asks how things are going and I share the ugly with him! He hugs me, holds me for just a couple minutes, (I wanted more!), and then he suggests we take a ride. I go get changed, put on my new helmet, and get on his motorcycle. We have the speaker system so we can chat while we ride. We headed to the blue ridge parkway. It was a beautiful day, the mountains we better than post card perfect. We road and talked.
I am a bit fearful of turning to the right. For some reason my view is better over Chris's left shoulder and turning or tipping is fine! However turning or tipping to the right is terrifying. I can't see in front of us, so I see the pavement, passing very fast beneath us and the edge of the grass, which from my angle appears to be where we are going. I a couple times had to close my eyes and even then once I let out a little squeal of fear! As we went along, with each turn I started to trust more. I started to have less fear, less anxiety. As we came down the mountain we drove through Waynesville and stopped for dinner at a Thai Restaurant. The food was amazing and our time together even better.
I learned two things on the ride.
1. Taking time with my husband is the best therapy! I know I was supposed to marry this man. He has a calming affect on me. He knows when I need to get away and I need to be willing to listen to him more often.
2. When things are difficult or make me scared I need to be willing to practice, to just hold on, but do it. Keep trying, keep taking those scary corners and eventually they will be a little less scary and perhaps going through them will be second mature.
I have to face not measuring up to others! I have to have some difficult moments, but I am now going to look at them as turning right on the motorcycle, something I just have to go through. If I do it enough times perhaps it will get easier.
Today living MtC, I am letting go of the fear and I am going to face telling those around me of my failure. I am going to rest in the arms of the man who loves me and who does so even in all my imperfection!
So today after working at the booth, dreading dreading dreading everything, I head back to the house around 4pm. There is Chris, he asks how things are going and I share the ugly with him! He hugs me, holds me for just a couple minutes, (I wanted more!), and then he suggests we take a ride. I go get changed, put on my new helmet, and get on his motorcycle. We have the speaker system so we can chat while we ride. We headed to the blue ridge parkway. It was a beautiful day, the mountains we better than post card perfect. We road and talked.
I am a bit fearful of turning to the right. For some reason my view is better over Chris's left shoulder and turning or tipping is fine! However turning or tipping to the right is terrifying. I can't see in front of us, so I see the pavement, passing very fast beneath us and the edge of the grass, which from my angle appears to be where we are going. I a couple times had to close my eyes and even then once I let out a little squeal of fear! As we went along, with each turn I started to trust more. I started to have less fear, less anxiety. As we came down the mountain we drove through Waynesville and stopped for dinner at a Thai Restaurant. The food was amazing and our time together even better.
I learned two things on the ride.
1. Taking time with my husband is the best therapy! I know I was supposed to marry this man. He has a calming affect on me. He knows when I need to get away and I need to be willing to listen to him more often.
2. When things are difficult or make me scared I need to be willing to practice, to just hold on, but do it. Keep trying, keep taking those scary corners and eventually they will be a little less scary and perhaps going through them will be second mature.
I have to face not measuring up to others! I have to have some difficult moments, but I am now going to look at them as turning right on the motorcycle, something I just have to go through. If I do it enough times perhaps it will get easier.
Today living MtC, I am letting go of the fear and I am going to face telling those around me of my failure. I am going to rest in the arms of the man who loves me and who does so even in all my imperfection!
248- Being and doing for Him (Tues...late no internet for over a week)
This week I am trying to figure out what I am doing and as I have been struggling through what is important, what I must do, what I need to do, what I want to do, I have found I am doing more because of others expectations. The sad part is, going through the past couple days I have come to the conclusion that way too many of the decisions I make, frankly most of what I do, is based on what others expect or others want or others need. Living in my world where selflessness is honored, where selflessness is considered godliness, it is easy to say.... what is wrong with being that way, as long as what others are wanting you to do is good.
I honestly have spent much of my life being taught to live a surrendered life. A life surrendered to God, a life learning to be subject to my husband. Learning to be subject to those in authority, (as long as they didn't ask anything in contrary to God's will), I have spent a life learning how to be submissive to a fault. It is not just about being submissive, it is about being willing to do the Lords will. It is about surrender and submission to Him.
The question I have been asking myself is am I doing it for Him or so that others will be pleased with me. Most of the situations I have been struggling with have nothing to do with surrendering to a God given authority, or a God given mandate. I have been struggling with needing to do what I know to be right and what I know everyone else wants and expects. The first is fine the later is sick!
The last couple days I have found myself disappointing some, and killing myself to make sure others are not disappointed or upset at me, it has been driving me crazy. I know so much of this is because of the (C) called shame! As Brene' Brown writes in her book, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." That is me. I know I am doing and doing and doing and still doing in an effort to be seen as worthy in the eyes of those around me. Worthy of love, worthy of respect. The crazy thing is this. As a person who believes in God, who wants more than anything to serve Him, I know that serving Him will not necessarily bring respect, love and admiration from others. I know that it may do the exact opposite. There may be times that when I am doing just as He desires, and the whole world may disapprove. Yet way to much of the time I am needing those around me to approve! When they don't, when I know someone is going to disapprove.... I am filled with shame, so much so I am physically ill. So, today has been a day of focusing on the question, "Am I doing for Him....or am I trying to avoid others disapproval?" If it is to avoid others disapproval, it is (C)! (C) I am willing to let go of. The fear, the shame, (C).
If He is asking I am willing, and today living MtC I know He is wanting me to work for Him and work not to cover shame. I am worthy of love and belonging!!!!! I am HIS!!!! (belonging) He choose me!!! (loved)!
I honestly have spent much of my life being taught to live a surrendered life. A life surrendered to God, a life learning to be subject to my husband. Learning to be subject to those in authority, (as long as they didn't ask anything in contrary to God's will), I have spent a life learning how to be submissive to a fault. It is not just about being submissive, it is about being willing to do the Lords will. It is about surrender and submission to Him.
The question I have been asking myself is am I doing it for Him or so that others will be pleased with me. Most of the situations I have been struggling with have nothing to do with surrendering to a God given authority, or a God given mandate. I have been struggling with needing to do what I know to be right and what I know everyone else wants and expects. The first is fine the later is sick!
The last couple days I have found myself disappointing some, and killing myself to make sure others are not disappointed or upset at me, it has been driving me crazy. I know so much of this is because of the (C) called shame! As Brene' Brown writes in her book, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." That is me. I know I am doing and doing and doing and still doing in an effort to be seen as worthy in the eyes of those around me. Worthy of love, worthy of respect. The crazy thing is this. As a person who believes in God, who wants more than anything to serve Him, I know that serving Him will not necessarily bring respect, love and admiration from others. I know that it may do the exact opposite. There may be times that when I am doing just as He desires, and the whole world may disapprove. Yet way to much of the time I am needing those around me to approve! When they don't, when I know someone is going to disapprove.... I am filled with shame, so much so I am physically ill. So, today has been a day of focusing on the question, "Am I doing for Him....or am I trying to avoid others disapproval?" If it is to avoid others disapproval, it is (C)! (C) I am willing to let go of. The fear, the shame, (C).
If He is asking I am willing, and today living MtC I know He is wanting me to work for Him and work not to cover shame. I am worthy of love and belonging!!!!! I am HIS!!!! (belonging) He choose me!!! (loved)!
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