248- Being and doing for Him (Tues...late no internet for over a week)

This week I am trying to figure out what I am doing and as I have been struggling through what is important, what I must do, what I need to do, what I want to do, I have found I am doing more because of others expectations.  The sad part is, going through the past couple days I have come to the conclusion that way too many of the decisions I make, frankly most of what I do, is based on what others expect or others want or others need.  Living in my world where selflessness is honored, where selflessness is considered godliness, it is easy to say.... what is wrong with being that way, as long as what others are wanting you to do is good. 

I honestly have spent much of my life being taught to live a surrendered life.  A life surrendered to God, a life learning to be subject to my husband.  Learning to be subject to those in authority, (as long as they didn't ask anything in contrary to God's will), I have spent a life learning how to be submissive to a fault.  It is not just about being submissive, it is about being willing to do the Lords will.  It is about surrender and submission to Him.

The question I have been asking myself is am I doing it for Him or so that others will be pleased with me.  Most of the situations I have been struggling with have nothing to do with surrendering to a God given authority, or a God given  mandate.  I have been struggling with needing to do what I know to be right and what I know everyone else wants and expects.  The first is fine the later is sick!

The last couple days I have found myself disappointing some, and killing myself to make sure others are not disappointed or upset at me, it has been driving me crazy.  I know so much of this is because of the (C) called shame!  As Brene' Brown writes in her book, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."  That is me.  I know I am doing and doing and doing and still doing in an effort to be seen as worthy in the eyes of those around me.  Worthy of love, worthy of respect. The crazy thing is this.  As a person who believes in God, who wants more than anything to serve Him, I know that serving Him will not necessarily bring respect, love and admiration from others.  I know that it may do the exact opposite. There may be times that when I am doing just as He desires,  and the whole world may disapprove.  Yet way to much of the time I am needing those around me to approve!  When they don't, when I know someone is going to disapprove.... I am filled with shame, so much so I am physically ill.  So, today has been a day of focusing on the question, "Am I doing for Him....or am I trying to avoid others disapproval?" If it is to avoid others disapproval, it is (C)!  (C) I am willing to let go of.  The fear, the shame, (C). 

If He is asking I am willing, and today living MtC I know He is wanting me to work for Him and work not to cover shame.  I am worthy of love and belonging!!!!!  I am HIS!!!! (belonging)  He choose me!!! (loved)!