Wednesday of camp meeting, perhaps one of the busiest weeks of the year for me. Today I have sick because after working very hard to make it happen I found out for sure that our devotionals will not be ready in time for camp meeting. It is partially my fault, but mostly not. However I realize the perception by most will be that I should have..... I am working on focusing on doing what He wants and yet today is still a struggle. If it interesting, that yesterday I wrote about focusing on doing just for Him and not doing to cover shame.... etc. Then today I am faced with this! SERIOUSLY!!!!! It has been so bad, I have been sick to my stomach, I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof. So today, I went through my day dreading telling anyone, I don't want to tell Mr. A, because he is so kind to me and I want him to be pleased with what I am doing. He will also most definitely get talked to about what I am not doing.... I hate that! I don't want to tell the woman who edits the devotional, this is her baby and she loves having it at Camp meeting. I dread dread dread having to talk with her. I dread the questions from people who come by the booth and ask for one!!!! ERGGGGG!!!!
So today after working at the booth, dreading dreading dreading everything, I head back to the house around 4pm. There is Chris, he asks how things are going and I share the ugly with him! He hugs me, holds me for just a couple minutes, (I wanted more!), and then he suggests we take a ride. I go get changed, put on my new helmet, and get on his motorcycle. We have the speaker system so we can chat while we ride. We headed to the blue ridge parkway. It was a beautiful day, the mountains we better than post card perfect. We road and talked.
I am a bit fearful of turning to the right. For some reason my view is better over Chris's left shoulder and turning or tipping is fine! However turning or tipping to the right is terrifying. I can't see in front of us, so I see the pavement, passing very fast beneath us and the edge of the grass, which from my angle appears to be where we are going. I a couple times had to close my eyes and even then once I let out a little squeal of fear! As we went along, with each turn I started to trust more. I started to have less fear, less anxiety. As we came down the mountain we drove through Waynesville and stopped for dinner at a Thai Restaurant. The food was amazing and our time together even better.
I learned two things on the ride.
1. Taking time with my husband is the best therapy! I know I was supposed to marry this man. He has a calming affect on me. He knows when I need to get away and I need to be willing to listen to him more often.
2. When things are difficult or make me scared I need to be willing to practice, to just hold on, but do it. Keep trying, keep taking those scary corners and eventually they will be a little less scary and perhaps going through them will be second mature.
I have to face not measuring up to others! I have to have some difficult moments, but I am now going to look at them as turning right on the motorcycle, something I just have to go through. If I do it enough times perhaps it will get easier.
Today living MtC, I am letting go of the fear and I am going to face telling those around me of my failure. I am going to rest in the arms of the man who loves me and who does so even in all my imperfection!
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