I have been contemplating and trying to make a decision about several things. One is a decision I can not share publicly and one is if or how to finish out the last hundred days of this blog. Both decisions are not life and death decisions but ones that are important to me none the less. Today it seems it has consumed my thoughts and every spare moment! I am serious it has been in the front of my thoughts all day. Here is the deal. I am having a very difficult time deciding between what it is I want to do and what it is I should do, and what others want me to do, and am I wanting to do things because of what others are wanting or ........... Wow what a day of frustration!
I have talked the decisions over with Becca, tried finding time to pray about it and even listen, I have weighed pros and cons, but still no decision.
One of the vitally important reasons for all this work has been to figure out how to be me and frankly who me is. In the book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene' Brown writes about authenticity. She writes about the struggle of being who we are, willing to honestly put ourselves out there. To do that takes a willingness to be vulnerable, honest, open and more. The hardest part for me is to through all this (C) know who is under there. How much of who I am is me because of who I was trying to be versus who I am to be. While trying to make these decisions I have struggled with this so much! (Writing this blog would be easier if I could share with you one of the decisions I am trying to make, but I can't... sorry everything is so vague.)
Vulnerability is very hard for me. I know I have been pouring out my heart and soul for 264 posts, but it isn't easy. This process has left me raw at times. I have seen some of you at church or around and feel almost embarrassed that you KNOW so much about me. Sometimes I am dying for you to tell me what you think, other times I am thankful you haven't. It is hard and yet nothing compared to being truly vulnerable with those I love, in face to face interaction. Vulnerable in loving completely with the risk of loosing.... Vulnerable enough to be happy, vulnerable enough to sparkle. There is risk in being happy, you can fall!
So what does vulnerability or authenticity have to do with these two decisions.... honestly I'm so tired I'm not sure. I guess I know I will not make the right decision with out Christ. I know I won't make the right decision unless I am willing to live big, to love, to let myself be happy, to put myself in a place where I may fall, and fall hard and yet trust and know if I need a safety net, Christ will be right there for me!
I am going to try to live, with authenticity and risk it all!!!
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