Negativity is (C)! Today was a long day at early registration here at Mount Pisgah Academy. I met lots of new people, new students and their families. It was so exciting and uplifting. I love seeing the excitement of the students returning and watching the returning students already connecting with the new students! It was beautiful.
Very late after spending time with friends and falling into bed, after talking to my brother (such a joy), Chris calls. He was asking me how my day was and all I could say was, "it was OK." I felt down, almost deeply negative about the day. Yet there was so much that was so good, so why? As I started to tell him about my day the one thing that dominated my description of the day was one conversation. One conversation with someone I work with (NOT anyone who reads this blog, so don't start wondering if it was you :)), that was terribly negative. Negative about everything. Nothing this person talked about was uplifting or positive. It wasn't until late, late, after getting off the phone with Chris that it dawned on me, that my day was stinky, absolutely vile because of someone else and their negative (C)! It was over powering all the other amazing blessings of my day.
So how do I wash it off? How do I stop letting it permeate my entire day? Here is what I am going to try....
1. Started my day by getting several little things done for registration early... everything went smooth.
2. Had my hair cut by someone new and I love her. Not just how she cut my hair but our conversation, she is a delight. It was such fun connecting with her and hearing her story.
3. Bought a new purse.
4. Found a delicious healthy lunch that was quick.
5. Love love loved watching the returning students, the new leaders for this year working hard to make registration a wonderful experience. Wow they are impressive. So proud of our students.
6. Met so many new families, heard so many wonderful stories about what led them to Pisgah. So beautiful how our Savior works.
7. Several returning students who barely spoke to me before, were almost chatty. I love that!
8. Had a conversation with a new student.... her one fear.... she wouldn't get the opportunity to play piano. She loves playing worship music....connected her with several students and staff. What a blessing to have students come that want to get involved.
9. Had amazing conversations, adult conversations with my friends, Beth, Tammy, Kim, Vonda, Becca, Matt, and Ryan.
10. Had a wonderful conversation with Kim S. about helping me with drama. Such a blessing to know I will have help!!!
11. Had a short but beautiful worship with God. I saw him working and so involved in my day! I am so appreciative to serve a Savior who delights in me!
12. Had a connecting long conversation with my husband!!!!!!!!! What a man of God he is! I love him so much! Tonight I am especially thankful he took the time when we were both tired to ask questions to draw me out, to connect! I am so honored to love him!
13. Hugged my daughter.
Lord, thank you for this day! Thank you for the evidence of You woven in beautiful gold sparkly threads throughout the entire day. I pray that You will guide me and keep my eyes turned toward You and all the many blessings that our poured out each and every day. May I see You! May I experience You! May I know You!
Friday, August 17, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
327- Struggle between acceptance and improvement!
Today after leaving work I headed out into town to get some errands done. Some of the errands were boring things like picking up some paper for work, and other errands had the potential to be fun like trying to find new clothes. I have desperately needed new pants for some time. I love wearing pants but buying pants is another story. Perhaps the easiest way to explain what the experience was like would be to say this... swimsuit shopping for most woman = me trying to find pants.
Over and over as I tried on pants I found much to loath about this body. I hate the stomach, I hate the lack of butt, I hate the fact that short is too short and medium or average is to long, I hate that if it fits my waist or stomach (if I'm honest) then there are huge bags hanging off the side of my leg where a hip is supposed to be..... and on and on and on.
At one point with my stomach in knots, I'm about in tears, I stopped looked at myself in the mirror and tried to figure out what (C) I needed to let go of. The problem is every single time I looked at the (C) I could not let go of the fact that this would not be an issue if I could stop eating, or start exercising etc. Where does acceptance stop improvement, or does it? There has to be a way to not hate haTE HATE myself, and still improve. Where is that, or how is that, or what is that like?
I finally found a pair of capri pants with sparkle buttons at the bottom of the leg... done :) I left shopping and came home early to help my grandfather who had asked me to clip his toe nails, only to find an empty house. I waited up for them to arrive home and then clipped toe nails and fingernails, not a fun job!
As I fell into bed, I have to say there was no resolution to this struggle. Struggling with (C) not knowing how to wash this stinky stuff off!
Today I did not live MtC! Not even close! Contrary to the sounds of it I'm OK, I just want to figure it out! Tired of this battle!
Over and over as I tried on pants I found much to loath about this body. I hate the stomach, I hate the lack of butt, I hate the fact that short is too short and medium or average is to long, I hate that if it fits my waist or stomach (if I'm honest) then there are huge bags hanging off the side of my leg where a hip is supposed to be..... and on and on and on.
At one point with my stomach in knots, I'm about in tears, I stopped looked at myself in the mirror and tried to figure out what (C) I needed to let go of. The problem is every single time I looked at the (C) I could not let go of the fact that this would not be an issue if I could stop eating, or start exercising etc. Where does acceptance stop improvement, or does it? There has to be a way to not hate haTE HATE myself, and still improve. Where is that, or how is that, or what is that like?
I finally found a pair of capri pants with sparkle buttons at the bottom of the leg... done :) I left shopping and came home early to help my grandfather who had asked me to clip his toe nails, only to find an empty house. I waited up for them to arrive home and then clipped toe nails and fingernails, not a fun job!
As I fell into bed, I have to say there was no resolution to this struggle. Struggling with (C) not knowing how to wash this stinky stuff off!
Today I did not live MtC! Not even close! Contrary to the sounds of it I'm OK, I just want to figure it out! Tired of this battle!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
314-326 Here goes a crazy whirlwind catch up...
Today I had two people ask where I was... where I was meaning, not me physically but my blog. Frankly I have been struggling with sharing somethings that I'm not sure I'm ready to share. After much praying, contemplating I have decided to blog exactly what I have been jotting down over the last week... plus. Life has been crazy and so here is my living MtC for the last 12 days.
314- Today as I left the house this morning I declined breakfast, lying and saying to the grandparents that there would be breakfast at our meetings. The truth ...., I was running late and I didn't have time to eat with them. They take so long, talk so much. I needed to hurry. Grandfather put his arm around me and said, "Well they are doing a good job keeping you chubby." What a way to start my day.... I struggled... fought.... battled with a computer program, peoples expectations and issues of self loathing. Today we sat in meetings, well I was supposed to sit in meetings but kept needing to be out working with families, trying desperately to get things ready for the printers, correcting, recorrecting, and then still finding more issues. I saw peoples looks (which could have been gas, or just their thinking faces) and I heard, "why aren't you in meeting, there she goes again," etc. I kept trying to explain what was going on, kept trying to accept that I was doing the best I could do under the circumstances.
315- Work work work, then headed out the door to spend the evening at the Grandparents. I decided I must go talk with them, honor them, love them. So I did went and sat at the foot of their bed and talked. Grandmother always likes to read something, and she read a very funny poem about getting old. We all laughed. They talked about death, and how thankful they are to still have each other. I then headed down stairs to the lovely basement. I read, and listened to music. I knew I needed to blog but I was exhausted so just wrote.... A day where I struggled with wanting to hide from my grandparents, but I spent time with them instead..... Good day...
316- Sabbath morning, grandparents not going to church. I didn't want to have to explain going to Foster, and not sure I had enough energy to go to any church so choose to stay home, sleep in... till 8... eat a very slow breakfast with the grandparents. After breakfast grandfather was wanting to watch LLBN (Loma Linda Broadcasting Network.) They were planning to watch church etc, but he couldn't get the volume up. So I helped them get the channel up and going. Sat and talked with them a while and then headed down stairs to pack. Chris was on his way to pick me up and we were headed to Nashville, TN for some meetings. Chris had made hotel reservations for half way and we were planning a nice evening together. As I packed I realized that Chris would be coming and we would be leaving right about time for the grandparents lunch. I was not excited about another meal with them. However, I could not justify going out to eat on Sabbath and leaving them home to fend for themselves. So I headed back up stairs and started cooking. I cooked up a pasta lunch with salad and vegetables and surprised them and Chris. Chris walked in just in time to sit down with us. It was actually a pleasant lunch and I was thankful for the time with them. then off too Knoxville and a hotel. Chris and I arrived around 4 o'clock, we unpacked......um.....lets just say enjoyed the room.... headed out for a nice dinner. Back at the hotel, I needed to get some laundry done. The hotel has laundry, so I took the clothes down and went into the laundry to see if they had a change machine. No such luck. There was older woman there by the dryer. She started talking about how she wished there was a chair in the room. It was obvious that she wouldn't leave her clothes and had been standing there the whole time. She said she had suggested to the front desk guy that it would be nice to have a chair and he told her to go get one from the dining room. She told me they were too heavy for her to carry down the hall and into the laundry. I told her I was so sorry and I would go get some change and try to get her a chair. She told me not to worry about it, as I left. They man at the front desk was rude to me and told me they did not have change and that I would have to go out to find some. So back up stairs to get my keys etc. As I returned down stairs with Chris, I asked him to first help the lady get a chair. About that time she came around the corner and asked if I had gotten change. I told her no, and she said, "I'm headed upstairs to get you change. I have plenty and I hope to not need it after today, I hope I'm headed home." Off she went, minutes later she was down with change and detergent so I didn't have to buy from the machine. I asked if she had gotten a chair and she said she had. We went into the laundry room together. Her clothes were ready to be folded so we chatted. I found out she had been traveling home to Alabama from a visit to a friends place in DC and her husband had gotten very ill and was put in the hospital. She had been there for almost 10 days by herself while her husband was recovering in the hospital. They were hoping to get back on the road in the morning. We talked and talked. It was such a wonderful conversation about family, love, and marriage. Let's just say I went back up to the room and hugged my man! What blessing he is. It was amazing how healing and wonderful the time was. I am thankful for my marriage. Thankful for the moments we have!
317- Breakfast in the hotel, pack up and in the car on the way to the Nashville. Able to stay in a beautiful place, see my parents, eat Ethiopian food, then out with the Andersons for dessert, an amazing day. So thankful for my family, my friends, and my man! Long but wonderful day!
318- Up early for meetings, to the meeting, then to breakfast, back to a meeting where I felt shame for having bright red nail polish on while everyone exclaiming how we need to be more Adventist..... wished I had a french manicure instead.... OK not really. I love the red, Chris picked it out, "let it go Beth!!!" that is what Chris said! Found out there were more problems with the work I had sent to the printers before leaving......working frantically, wishing I was better, wishing I knew how to use the program.....crying....what do I do..... Youtube.....learning.... learning....learning.... GOT IT!!!!!! Now I know what to do, now I have to fix it and get it done..... hours, hours and hours. Falling into bed exhausted, filled with shame for not being at more meetings, thankful I at least figured it out.
319- Not up early.... just too tired. Breakfast, getting ready, stopped to say hi to my parents, and then out to lunch with a dear dear friend from long ago. Trying to let the (C) of body image, of wishing I had more style, etc. etc. etc. keep from coloring the experience of just being together. Chris and I drove to meet them, had a wonderful lunch, great conversation and I wasn't consumed with me- or my hair- or anything like that, just enjoyed the couple and the uplifting conversation. After lunch work, work, more work, then back to get ready to go see a short film. It was a private screening and a wonderful moment. It was just shared three stories and it touched me so much. I will just say this, it reminded me of the importance of our stories. The importance of sharing the human experience, of sharing what Christ has done in our lives! Seriously it was powerful and I felt honored to be a part. Back very very late and falling into bed, again exhausted.
320- Cramming in as many meetings as possible. Found out the printer and accepted all my changes and the documents were going to print! Oh what a wonderful day! Chris and I traveled back to Pisgah, we said good by, and I went to work. I worked until 3:30am, then to the grandparents where I was frozen with fear. Afraid of meeting a bear as I had to walk in the dark from the car to the door, unlock it and get in. I was too tired to have strength to fight the fear. I contemplated sleeping in the car, decided to pray, choose to accept my fate with imagined bear, and just attempt to get inside. Got inside fine, got into bed and could not shut off my brain! I was going over work, meetings, work, documents, work work work and finally looked at the clock at 5 am, and fell asleep soon after.
321- Up at 8am, clean up to the school by 9am meetings. Spent most of the day dealing with parents and fighting to get one more document to the publishers. This time I knew exactly how it needed to be and tried to make sure I had everything right the first time. Had lunch with all the staff, sat with the Andersons, always a joy.... then back to work. Finished the document, posted it, finished up some more work, found out enrollment is not as dire as people had once thought..... got in the car to head home. Drove in pouring down rain the entire way home, so tired, hate the rain. Noticed I had an email, stopped, read the email. It was from the publisher..... here we go.... what needs work now...... "Your document is waiting approval to print" that meant they found nothing.... NOTHING wrong. The first document I had been fighting with for 3 days after sending to the printer.... this document.... in a matter of hours they were ready to print. I pulled up the proof, and approved for printing! Back on the highway, in the rain, tired, tired, so ready to be home. Home finally with Anna, Andrew, Chris and Becca! How wonderful to be home!
322- Friday hoping to get some more work done.... having problems with a program.... ergggg...... Went shopping for good healthy food. Made food, Spent time with kids, went to bed early. Nice day, just needed the rest.
323- Sabbath morning. Up early and off to church to listen to Andrew and Becca lead worship. Oh what a wonderful wonderful blessing that was. There perhaps nothing more rewarding than watching my children praise God! Wow! I listened, sang, and just basked in the blessings. Then we headed home for a nice homemade Sabbath dinner with just our family! Such a rare thing. Really missed Sarah! Wished we could have been with her too! Wonderful afternoon nap that was so amazing my pillow was wet with drool. Nice dinner at our favorite local pizza place, and a movie at home. Another wonderful film, telling of the importance our stories are! Made me wonder what my story is? Hmmmm.... To bed early for a Sat. night. Such a luxury.
324- Sunday, Chris headed off to work early, I fell back to sleep and then awoke frantic and feeling rushed. Chris had asked me to go to a movie at 11:30 with him. It is a movie we had been looking forward to seeing. It was a date, and I didn't want to be late. Got up, made breakfast for the kids, then to my room to get ready. Decided to go with the curls and the hair would not cooperate. It just became more and more unruly. Finally just had to go. We went to the movie and enjoyed our time together. What fun to go out on a Sunday morning with my man. After the movie we met up with the kids at a mall to do some shopping. Again such a joy and such a wonderful time. After dinner the kids headed home and we went to church board. I have not been to a church board in years. I resigned from all my church jobs when accepting the position at Pisgah and this is my first time working for the church again. At one point I expressed an opinion about a certain topic and it touched a cord with several and tensions arose. I felt so bad. I had no idea what would happen. I then started second guessing what I had said, but I stand by what I said. It may be radical but I think it could be revolutionizing. It could be a huge plus in the end. I hate conflict and though it was not directed at me, I felt so bad for having anything to do with it! As we left I was thankful Chris had also been there so we could talk and share. I am thankful Chris and I decided to either both be on board or neither be on board for this very reason. As long as we were together it seemed doable, but we needed to be together serving. Not because I think couples should always do that, we just see each other so little that atleast this way we are aware of what is happening. We had wonderful conversation on the way home, and I praise God for a godly man who understands me!
325- They day before heading back to Pisgah is always my least favorite! I was thankful to still be home but dreading the day, because it is my last. I fight with this every time. I hate that I do this because I think it takes away from the time I do have, but it is just hard. God up early and drove with Chris in the fog to work on his motor cycle so I could bring home a car we had left there the day before. I love riding with him in the early morning. We first had fog and then the bright morning sun! What a beautiful way to start the day. I had made us breakfast before leaving, it was wonderful! Again, just moments with Chris, such a joy! Then I did some shopping for my bed room, (still looking for dressers etc.) and then back home to help Anna with some things she was working on. Then dinner with the family!!!!! Oh what a wonderful blessing to be with them.
326- Today!!!!! Finally!!!! Today I woke up and needed to get up and out the door by 7:30 to be on time for work. Chris likes to be out the door around the same time... perfect right? Nope, today he sleeps, snuggles, keeps putting his arm around me, spooning me, making it impossible for me to get up, much less packed and ready. I finally made myself get up, Chris went and made me an amazing breakfast while I packed. Once packed and ready, we ate together. What a great way to start the day! On the road late, but going. To work dreading working by myself in a room that is just covered up with boxes that need to be sorted, with so much stuff you could not walk in it. Literally minutes later a dear student walks in and asks if anyone has any work she can do. I didn't say anything right away to see if anyone else grabbed her up. Nope so I told her not to ask unless she was serious. She agreed to help and but 5pm the room was organized, vacumed, dusted and completely done!!!!!!! Unbelievable! I am so excited. Then I had the opportunity to go to a friends condo where they are vacationing here in the area. They live in Maine so this was really a treat. What a joy to talk with Megan, Christie, Winnie, Frank, Frank and Frank! It was such lovely way to end my day!
So what do all these days have to do with living MtC. After all this is not just a diary of my crazy life.... Well I know this....
spending time with my family....
spending time with Godly friends....
spending time with God....
eating good homemade healthy food....
laughing....
praising God....
learning....
cleaning....
organizing....
hearing the stories of others....
All of this contributed to the reduction of (C). It helped to keep me going when I was challenged and discouraged.
So there you have it... Now you know where I have been and where I am! Night!
314- Today as I left the house this morning I declined breakfast, lying and saying to the grandparents that there would be breakfast at our meetings. The truth ...., I was running late and I didn't have time to eat with them. They take so long, talk so much. I needed to hurry. Grandfather put his arm around me and said, "Well they are doing a good job keeping you chubby." What a way to start my day.... I struggled... fought.... battled with a computer program, peoples expectations and issues of self loathing. Today we sat in meetings, well I was supposed to sit in meetings but kept needing to be out working with families, trying desperately to get things ready for the printers, correcting, recorrecting, and then still finding more issues. I saw peoples looks (which could have been gas, or just their thinking faces) and I heard, "why aren't you in meeting, there she goes again," etc. I kept trying to explain what was going on, kept trying to accept that I was doing the best I could do under the circumstances.
315- Work work work, then headed out the door to spend the evening at the Grandparents. I decided I must go talk with them, honor them, love them. So I did went and sat at the foot of their bed and talked. Grandmother always likes to read something, and she read a very funny poem about getting old. We all laughed. They talked about death, and how thankful they are to still have each other. I then headed down stairs to the lovely basement. I read, and listened to music. I knew I needed to blog but I was exhausted so just wrote.... A day where I struggled with wanting to hide from my grandparents, but I spent time with them instead..... Good day...
316- Sabbath morning, grandparents not going to church. I didn't want to have to explain going to Foster, and not sure I had enough energy to go to any church so choose to stay home, sleep in... till 8... eat a very slow breakfast with the grandparents. After breakfast grandfather was wanting to watch LLBN (Loma Linda Broadcasting Network.) They were planning to watch church etc, but he couldn't get the volume up. So I helped them get the channel up and going. Sat and talked with them a while and then headed down stairs to pack. Chris was on his way to pick me up and we were headed to Nashville, TN for some meetings. Chris had made hotel reservations for half way and we were planning a nice evening together. As I packed I realized that Chris would be coming and we would be leaving right about time for the grandparents lunch. I was not excited about another meal with them. However, I could not justify going out to eat on Sabbath and leaving them home to fend for themselves. So I headed back up stairs and started cooking. I cooked up a pasta lunch with salad and vegetables and surprised them and Chris. Chris walked in just in time to sit down with us. It was actually a pleasant lunch and I was thankful for the time with them. then off too Knoxville and a hotel. Chris and I arrived around 4 o'clock, we unpacked......um.....lets just say enjoyed the room.... headed out for a nice dinner. Back at the hotel, I needed to get some laundry done. The hotel has laundry, so I took the clothes down and went into the laundry to see if they had a change machine. No such luck. There was older woman there by the dryer. She started talking about how she wished there was a chair in the room. It was obvious that she wouldn't leave her clothes and had been standing there the whole time. She said she had suggested to the front desk guy that it would be nice to have a chair and he told her to go get one from the dining room. She told me they were too heavy for her to carry down the hall and into the laundry. I told her I was so sorry and I would go get some change and try to get her a chair. She told me not to worry about it, as I left. They man at the front desk was rude to me and told me they did not have change and that I would have to go out to find some. So back up stairs to get my keys etc. As I returned down stairs with Chris, I asked him to first help the lady get a chair. About that time she came around the corner and asked if I had gotten change. I told her no, and she said, "I'm headed upstairs to get you change. I have plenty and I hope to not need it after today, I hope I'm headed home." Off she went, minutes later she was down with change and detergent so I didn't have to buy from the machine. I asked if she had gotten a chair and she said she had. We went into the laundry room together. Her clothes were ready to be folded so we chatted. I found out she had been traveling home to Alabama from a visit to a friends place in DC and her husband had gotten very ill and was put in the hospital. She had been there for almost 10 days by herself while her husband was recovering in the hospital. They were hoping to get back on the road in the morning. We talked and talked. It was such a wonderful conversation about family, love, and marriage. Let's just say I went back up to the room and hugged my man! What blessing he is. It was amazing how healing and wonderful the time was. I am thankful for my marriage. Thankful for the moments we have!
317- Breakfast in the hotel, pack up and in the car on the way to the Nashville. Able to stay in a beautiful place, see my parents, eat Ethiopian food, then out with the Andersons for dessert, an amazing day. So thankful for my family, my friends, and my man! Long but wonderful day!
318- Up early for meetings, to the meeting, then to breakfast, back to a meeting where I felt shame for having bright red nail polish on while everyone exclaiming how we need to be more Adventist..... wished I had a french manicure instead.... OK not really. I love the red, Chris picked it out, "let it go Beth!!!" that is what Chris said! Found out there were more problems with the work I had sent to the printers before leaving......working frantically, wishing I was better, wishing I knew how to use the program.....crying....what do I do..... Youtube.....learning.... learning....learning.... GOT IT!!!!!! Now I know what to do, now I have to fix it and get it done..... hours, hours and hours. Falling into bed exhausted, filled with shame for not being at more meetings, thankful I at least figured it out.
319- Not up early.... just too tired. Breakfast, getting ready, stopped to say hi to my parents, and then out to lunch with a dear dear friend from long ago. Trying to let the (C) of body image, of wishing I had more style, etc. etc. etc. keep from coloring the experience of just being together. Chris and I drove to meet them, had a wonderful lunch, great conversation and I wasn't consumed with me- or my hair- or anything like that, just enjoyed the couple and the uplifting conversation. After lunch work, work, more work, then back to get ready to go see a short film. It was a private screening and a wonderful moment. It was just shared three stories and it touched me so much. I will just say this, it reminded me of the importance of our stories. The importance of sharing the human experience, of sharing what Christ has done in our lives! Seriously it was powerful and I felt honored to be a part. Back very very late and falling into bed, again exhausted.
320- Cramming in as many meetings as possible. Found out the printer and accepted all my changes and the documents were going to print! Oh what a wonderful day! Chris and I traveled back to Pisgah, we said good by, and I went to work. I worked until 3:30am, then to the grandparents where I was frozen with fear. Afraid of meeting a bear as I had to walk in the dark from the car to the door, unlock it and get in. I was too tired to have strength to fight the fear. I contemplated sleeping in the car, decided to pray, choose to accept my fate with imagined bear, and just attempt to get inside. Got inside fine, got into bed and could not shut off my brain! I was going over work, meetings, work, documents, work work work and finally looked at the clock at 5 am, and fell asleep soon after.
321- Up at 8am, clean up to the school by 9am meetings. Spent most of the day dealing with parents and fighting to get one more document to the publishers. This time I knew exactly how it needed to be and tried to make sure I had everything right the first time. Had lunch with all the staff, sat with the Andersons, always a joy.... then back to work. Finished the document, posted it, finished up some more work, found out enrollment is not as dire as people had once thought..... got in the car to head home. Drove in pouring down rain the entire way home, so tired, hate the rain. Noticed I had an email, stopped, read the email. It was from the publisher..... here we go.... what needs work now...... "Your document is waiting approval to print" that meant they found nothing.... NOTHING wrong. The first document I had been fighting with for 3 days after sending to the printer.... this document.... in a matter of hours they were ready to print. I pulled up the proof, and approved for printing! Back on the highway, in the rain, tired, tired, so ready to be home. Home finally with Anna, Andrew, Chris and Becca! How wonderful to be home!
322- Friday hoping to get some more work done.... having problems with a program.... ergggg...... Went shopping for good healthy food. Made food, Spent time with kids, went to bed early. Nice day, just needed the rest.
323- Sabbath morning. Up early and off to church to listen to Andrew and Becca lead worship. Oh what a wonderful wonderful blessing that was. There perhaps nothing more rewarding than watching my children praise God! Wow! I listened, sang, and just basked in the blessings. Then we headed home for a nice homemade Sabbath dinner with just our family! Such a rare thing. Really missed Sarah! Wished we could have been with her too! Wonderful afternoon nap that was so amazing my pillow was wet with drool. Nice dinner at our favorite local pizza place, and a movie at home. Another wonderful film, telling of the importance our stories are! Made me wonder what my story is? Hmmmm.... To bed early for a Sat. night. Such a luxury.
324- Sunday, Chris headed off to work early, I fell back to sleep and then awoke frantic and feeling rushed. Chris had asked me to go to a movie at 11:30 with him. It is a movie we had been looking forward to seeing. It was a date, and I didn't want to be late. Got up, made breakfast for the kids, then to my room to get ready. Decided to go with the curls and the hair would not cooperate. It just became more and more unruly. Finally just had to go. We went to the movie and enjoyed our time together. What fun to go out on a Sunday morning with my man. After the movie we met up with the kids at a mall to do some shopping. Again such a joy and such a wonderful time. After dinner the kids headed home and we went to church board. I have not been to a church board in years. I resigned from all my church jobs when accepting the position at Pisgah and this is my first time working for the church again. At one point I expressed an opinion about a certain topic and it touched a cord with several and tensions arose. I felt so bad. I had no idea what would happen. I then started second guessing what I had said, but I stand by what I said. It may be radical but I think it could be revolutionizing. It could be a huge plus in the end. I hate conflict and though it was not directed at me, I felt so bad for having anything to do with it! As we left I was thankful Chris had also been there so we could talk and share. I am thankful Chris and I decided to either both be on board or neither be on board for this very reason. As long as we were together it seemed doable, but we needed to be together serving. Not because I think couples should always do that, we just see each other so little that atleast this way we are aware of what is happening. We had wonderful conversation on the way home, and I praise God for a godly man who understands me!
325- They day before heading back to Pisgah is always my least favorite! I was thankful to still be home but dreading the day, because it is my last. I fight with this every time. I hate that I do this because I think it takes away from the time I do have, but it is just hard. God up early and drove with Chris in the fog to work on his motor cycle so I could bring home a car we had left there the day before. I love riding with him in the early morning. We first had fog and then the bright morning sun! What a beautiful way to start the day. I had made us breakfast before leaving, it was wonderful! Again, just moments with Chris, such a joy! Then I did some shopping for my bed room, (still looking for dressers etc.) and then back home to help Anna with some things she was working on. Then dinner with the family!!!!! Oh what a wonderful blessing to be with them.
326- Today!!!!! Finally!!!! Today I woke up and needed to get up and out the door by 7:30 to be on time for work. Chris likes to be out the door around the same time... perfect right? Nope, today he sleeps, snuggles, keeps putting his arm around me, spooning me, making it impossible for me to get up, much less packed and ready. I finally made myself get up, Chris went and made me an amazing breakfast while I packed. Once packed and ready, we ate together. What a great way to start the day! On the road late, but going. To work dreading working by myself in a room that is just covered up with boxes that need to be sorted, with so much stuff you could not walk in it. Literally minutes later a dear student walks in and asks if anyone has any work she can do. I didn't say anything right away to see if anyone else grabbed her up. Nope so I told her not to ask unless she was serious. She agreed to help and but 5pm the room was organized, vacumed, dusted and completely done!!!!!!! Unbelievable! I am so excited. Then I had the opportunity to go to a friends condo where they are vacationing here in the area. They live in Maine so this was really a treat. What a joy to talk with Megan, Christie, Winnie, Frank, Frank and Frank! It was such lovely way to end my day!
So what do all these days have to do with living MtC. After all this is not just a diary of my crazy life.... Well I know this....
spending time with my family....
spending time with Godly friends....
spending time with God....
eating good homemade healthy food....
laughing....
praising God....
learning....
cleaning....
organizing....
hearing the stories of others....
All of this contributed to the reduction of (C). It helped to keep me going when I was challenged and discouraged.
So there you have it... Now you know where I have been and where I am! Night!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
313- Curls as promised
I know this is terribly late... I worked a couple very late nights falling asleep working at around 2 am. Then... exhausted and now with my man!
Curls.... back on Wed. I had decided to get up and try to get put together so I could feel together, feel professional. It wasn't until later in the day when I realized I don't feel that way unless I have straightened my hair. Why is that? I spent some time pondering it. Why do I feel better about myself with straightened hair vs curly hair? After much reflection it came down to desiring to be like, desiring to be similar to others.
This summer one of the students on my team has curly hair and yet much of the summer she would also straighten her hair... or at least on the days she was trying to look good. A couple times she let it be curly and I thought it was so cute, so beautiful. When I said something to her she brushed it off and made some comment about not wanting to put the time into really doing her hair. As if because it is easy - it is less!
I really believe we often find what is not easy as more valuable, or in the case of hair more beautiful! We tend to admire in each other what we don't have. We do the same in our careers, our homes, our talents, our hobbies and our looks. I talk with the students, I work with, all the time about embracing their strengths, seeing the beauty in who they were created to be, to find their strengths and develop them.
Wed. as I realized that for me to feel "together" or "beautiful" I had to straighten my hair it made me pause and ask the question, "Is that (C) and/or am I not valuing the gifts God has given me?" I came to the conclusion both are perhaps true and I also have never put time into figuring out how to wear my hair curly. I do like to feel put together and when it is curly it is usually wild. So I plan on putting some time into trying new ways to embrace my locks.
This is not just about my curls, it is about embracing who I am, who God created me to be and being the best without devaluing the uniqueness of me! It is easy when watching the Olympics, or being around people with magnificent gifts to wish I was more. To wish I could run like a gazelle, dance like someone with rhythm in their bones, to be organized like a professional organizer, or to sing like Becca Anderson! If I spend too much time wishing I was like... I'm not seeing what I am, or what I should be working on.
So living MtC includes embracing the Me and understanding accepting who he made me to be is honoring of Him! He must be so sad when He sees us yearning to be more like others when He gave us so much that we ignore or don't value. I am still going to straighten my hair, I just plan on finding ways to also love my curls!
Curls.... back on Wed. I had decided to get up and try to get put together so I could feel together, feel professional. It wasn't until later in the day when I realized I don't feel that way unless I have straightened my hair. Why is that? I spent some time pondering it. Why do I feel better about myself with straightened hair vs curly hair? After much reflection it came down to desiring to be like, desiring to be similar to others.
This summer one of the students on my team has curly hair and yet much of the summer she would also straighten her hair... or at least on the days she was trying to look good. A couple times she let it be curly and I thought it was so cute, so beautiful. When I said something to her she brushed it off and made some comment about not wanting to put the time into really doing her hair. As if because it is easy - it is less!
I really believe we often find what is not easy as more valuable, or in the case of hair more beautiful! We tend to admire in each other what we don't have. We do the same in our careers, our homes, our talents, our hobbies and our looks. I talk with the students, I work with, all the time about embracing their strengths, seeing the beauty in who they were created to be, to find their strengths and develop them.
Wed. as I realized that for me to feel "together" or "beautiful" I had to straighten my hair it made me pause and ask the question, "Is that (C) and/or am I not valuing the gifts God has given me?" I came to the conclusion both are perhaps true and I also have never put time into figuring out how to wear my hair curly. I do like to feel put together and when it is curly it is usually wild. So I plan on putting some time into trying new ways to embrace my locks.
This is not just about my curls, it is about embracing who I am, who God created me to be and being the best without devaluing the uniqueness of me! It is easy when watching the Olympics, or being around people with magnificent gifts to wish I was more. To wish I could run like a gazelle, dance like someone with rhythm in their bones, to be organized like a professional organizer, or to sing like Becca Anderson! If I spend too much time wishing I was like... I'm not seeing what I am, or what I should be working on.
So living MtC includes embracing the Me and understanding accepting who he made me to be is honoring of Him! He must be so sad when He sees us yearning to be more like others when He gave us so much that we ignore or don't value. I am still going to straighten my hair, I just plan on finding ways to also love my curls!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
312- Cont.... Curls...
Oops... forgot to write about the curls.... I'll do that tonight! You'll just have to wait!!!!
312- Girlfriends and Curls
Girlfriends, I've had an interesting relationship with the whole idea of girlfriends. As a very young girl I longed to have girlfriends, and it just never really happened until 7th grade. Soon after I moved away and started high school in a whole new place. Perhaps as protective measures, I have never let myself need a girlfriend. I have spent most of my life completely content to be an extrovert know lots of people and not need girlfriends. Perfectly content is an exaggeration...it is what I said to mask the hurt and need I felt! In high school I had lots of friends, people from every click on campus. Yet I made sure no one really knew me. I might really know them. Girls would share their crushes, their heartbreak, but I never breathed a word. I never had someone that I shared my heart issues with. I kept it light, kept it at a distance.
I have also proclaimed it with an element of pride that I prefer guy friends to girl friends. I had lots of guy friends, but they were never boy friends, and I didn't share my heart issues with my guy friends either. I really believe it was a cover, it explained my lack of girlfriends.
After marrying Chris I knew that I must be careful with having guy friends. I wanted to honor him, protect what we had.... after all he was now the best friend, the heart issue friend I had always wanted and kept at bay for so long. He became my everything... and still is!!!! :) (I miss him can you tell!!!!) As I started making some girlfriends from place to place I still have not cherished, valued, or nurtured those relationships the way I should.
I have always just chalked it up to, my personality, the fact that I don't NEED girlfriends. I remember the first time I went to a woman's retreat. I thought it was ridiculous to go to something so powerful and deep without Chris. I just wanted to share it all with him!!!!! Then one by one I started making friends that have over the years become so special to me. Yet I still have not valued them the way I should.
Today was a beautiful friend day! I made a new friend, with real conversation, with real heart issues... going both directions! I had a conversation with another dear friend about belonging, and girlfriends and I'm one of hers and she is one of mine! As I crawled in bed last night, wanting to blog and needing to blog, but way to tired to blog, I felt so full and blessed. I think today more then ever I realize how important it is for me to let down the protective walls that have been in place for decades and cherish the girlfriends I have and be open to developing more.
Each friend brings a different gift! Each friend does not have to fulfill my every need. Friends are like flowers, they can each be beautiful and special but completely different. Put them all in a vase together or fill a flower garden with different varieties and it is so rich a beautiful! No one flower is everything. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having, as Oprah would say... "A Gail". You know the one soul friend that knows you inside out and adores you. I know for myself, that one just like me fulfills my every need has not happened, and I have let protecting self get in the way of a flower bouquet of friends.
I know I have missed out on the importance of girlfriends. As woman we NEED to have girlfriends, to talk with, to cry with, to laugh with, to dance with, to sing with, to pray with, to love! I have always touted that Chris was enough. I didn't need the other.... but I do!!!! I need friends, I need to spend time with friends. With that comes the responsibility to be a friend. Many times I have focused on not having a friend, when I have been unwilling to be a friend! Recently I have been working on connecting. Honoring those ladies that have been in my life. Cherishing them for the richness they bring to my life. I am trying to be a better friend as well as letting down the wall and opening my heart to real heart issue girlfriends.
I know in this process of letting go of the Crap friends have and continue to be an incredible part. There have been times when they tell me to let go, when they bring the joy into my life that is needed in the process of washing the (C) off, when they pray for me, when they affirm me, when they give me the opportunity to know them better! I decided last night that it is necessary for us as woman to find girlfriends, to be girlfriends, to celebrate girlfriends. It is a risky place to be, a vulnerable place to be, and frankly we woman tend to mess it up, to hurt each other, and we must stop!!! BECAUSE we need each other!
Sorry... that sounded like scolding. I was writing for me! I am so thankful for the richness of the woman in my life! I am so blessed to love and be loved. Today living MtC was made possible by two lovely ladies who warmed my heart, who I developed a deeper connection with, and who made me want to be better. Today I can ad one more element to the list of how to wash the (C) in our lives away. How to let go of it, how to live MtC..... Open my heart and be vulnerable to girlfriends!
I have also proclaimed it with an element of pride that I prefer guy friends to girl friends. I had lots of guy friends, but they were never boy friends, and I didn't share my heart issues with my guy friends either. I really believe it was a cover, it explained my lack of girlfriends.
After marrying Chris I knew that I must be careful with having guy friends. I wanted to honor him, protect what we had.... after all he was now the best friend, the heart issue friend I had always wanted and kept at bay for so long. He became my everything... and still is!!!! :) (I miss him can you tell!!!!) As I started making some girlfriends from place to place I still have not cherished, valued, or nurtured those relationships the way I should.
I have always just chalked it up to, my personality, the fact that I don't NEED girlfriends. I remember the first time I went to a woman's retreat. I thought it was ridiculous to go to something so powerful and deep without Chris. I just wanted to share it all with him!!!!! Then one by one I started making friends that have over the years become so special to me. Yet I still have not valued them the way I should.
Today was a beautiful friend day! I made a new friend, with real conversation, with real heart issues... going both directions! I had a conversation with another dear friend about belonging, and girlfriends and I'm one of hers and she is one of mine! As I crawled in bed last night, wanting to blog and needing to blog, but way to tired to blog, I felt so full and blessed. I think today more then ever I realize how important it is for me to let down the protective walls that have been in place for decades and cherish the girlfriends I have and be open to developing more.
Each friend brings a different gift! Each friend does not have to fulfill my every need. Friends are like flowers, they can each be beautiful and special but completely different. Put them all in a vase together or fill a flower garden with different varieties and it is so rich a beautiful! No one flower is everything. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having, as Oprah would say... "A Gail". You know the one soul friend that knows you inside out and adores you. I know for myself, that one just like me fulfills my every need has not happened, and I have let protecting self get in the way of a flower bouquet of friends.
I know I have missed out on the importance of girlfriends. As woman we NEED to have girlfriends, to talk with, to cry with, to laugh with, to dance with, to sing with, to pray with, to love! I have always touted that Chris was enough. I didn't need the other.... but I do!!!! I need friends, I need to spend time with friends. With that comes the responsibility to be a friend. Many times I have focused on not having a friend, when I have been unwilling to be a friend! Recently I have been working on connecting. Honoring those ladies that have been in my life. Cherishing them for the richness they bring to my life. I am trying to be a better friend as well as letting down the wall and opening my heart to real heart issue girlfriends.
I know in this process of letting go of the Crap friends have and continue to be an incredible part. There have been times when they tell me to let go, when they bring the joy into my life that is needed in the process of washing the (C) off, when they pray for me, when they affirm me, when they give me the opportunity to know them better! I decided last night that it is necessary for us as woman to find girlfriends, to be girlfriends, to celebrate girlfriends. It is a risky place to be, a vulnerable place to be, and frankly we woman tend to mess it up, to hurt each other, and we must stop!!! BECAUSE we need each other!
Sorry... that sounded like scolding. I was writing for me! I am so thankful for the richness of the woman in my life! I am so blessed to love and be loved. Today living MtC was made possible by two lovely ladies who warmed my heart, who I developed a deeper connection with, and who made me want to be better. Today I can ad one more element to the list of how to wash the (C) in our lives away. How to let go of it, how to live MtC..... Open my heart and be vulnerable to girlfriends!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
311- 2:04.. Finally in bed.
Well I am back at the office. Back in Asheville. I have been working very hard trying to get lots of stuff off and to the printers that is long over due. It is such tedious work and I am far from done. This will be a very short post, but I can't bear to get behind again.
There is something about being in this basement room that is rough. Tonight as I came down stars the smell of musty humid unairconditioned space, reminded me of being here so many times as a little girl. It is funny how spaces can smell the same over decades. Tonight I have been fighting those feelings of being a little incompetent girl, who was always dirty, too loud and way to hard headed to get along with authority figures. Some how I feel just like her.
How is it possible that I can be approaching my mid 40's and I still feel like I'm 8 when I come to this house. I remember sleeping in this same basement room when I was a freshman in high school. My parents thought it would be better for me to be living with the grandparents than in the dorm. This room didn't have carpet, or painted walls. It was just a concrete block walls, and concrete floors. There was a little rug by my bed, but the room was far from beautiful. By the time I moved out it was almost finished. However I spent most of that year in this unfinished basement room that was always in a constant state of construction. As an adult, I wonder why they didn't let me stay in one of the three extra rooms upstairs that are finished and beautiful. Why the basement?
I now prefer to be down here because upstairs is much hotter, and it is less likely they will know when I'm up blogging at 2 am, if I'm down here. I choose it and yet it makes me feel small.
Well this is a dreary going no place post. I'm obviously too tired to be posting... Lol! I suppose to sum it up, I'm not feeling at home in this space. I suppose that is good. I don't feel at home in a place that makes me feel small and dirty. Progress... I think so. I have no desire to be stuck, I don't think I am. However, in this process I have allowed myself to feel. Being more aware of what I am feeling has brought some good and painful feelings to the fore front.
I guess I want to acknowledge the hurt and then move on. So I just got up and sprayed the room with my Bath n Body Works body spray. I decided I am going to reclaim this room, and start by changing the smell. I can't do much else but I can smell "twilight woods" instead of musty basement stink. In every way I want to move forward. Let go and refocus my life in the direction of delightful smells! It will be so much easier as I let go of the (C)! That is for sure!
There is something about being in this basement room that is rough. Tonight as I came down stars the smell of musty humid unairconditioned space, reminded me of being here so many times as a little girl. It is funny how spaces can smell the same over decades. Tonight I have been fighting those feelings of being a little incompetent girl, who was always dirty, too loud and way to hard headed to get along with authority figures. Some how I feel just like her.
How is it possible that I can be approaching my mid 40's and I still feel like I'm 8 when I come to this house. I remember sleeping in this same basement room when I was a freshman in high school. My parents thought it would be better for me to be living with the grandparents than in the dorm. This room didn't have carpet, or painted walls. It was just a concrete block walls, and concrete floors. There was a little rug by my bed, but the room was far from beautiful. By the time I moved out it was almost finished. However I spent most of that year in this unfinished basement room that was always in a constant state of construction. As an adult, I wonder why they didn't let me stay in one of the three extra rooms upstairs that are finished and beautiful. Why the basement?
I now prefer to be down here because upstairs is much hotter, and it is less likely they will know when I'm up blogging at 2 am, if I'm down here. I choose it and yet it makes me feel small.
Well this is a dreary going no place post. I'm obviously too tired to be posting... Lol! I suppose to sum it up, I'm not feeling at home in this space. I suppose that is good. I don't feel at home in a place that makes me feel small and dirty. Progress... I think so. I have no desire to be stuck, I don't think I am. However, in this process I have allowed myself to feel. Being more aware of what I am feeling has brought some good and painful feelings to the fore front.
I guess I want to acknowledge the hurt and then move on. So I just got up and sprayed the room with my Bath n Body Works body spray. I decided I am going to reclaim this room, and start by changing the smell. I can't do much else but I can smell "twilight woods" instead of musty basement stink. In every way I want to move forward. Let go and refocus my life in the direction of delightful smells! It will be so much easier as I let go of the (C)! That is for sure!
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