Well I am back at the office. Back in Asheville. I have been working very hard trying to get lots of stuff off and to the printers that is long over due. It is such tedious work and I am far from done. This will be a very short post, but I can't bear to get behind again.
There is something about being in this basement room that is rough. Tonight as I came down stars the smell of musty humid unairconditioned space, reminded me of being here so many times as a little girl. It is funny how spaces can smell the same over decades. Tonight I have been fighting those feelings of being a little incompetent girl, who was always dirty, too loud and way to hard headed to get along with authority figures. Some how I feel just like her.
How is it possible that I can be approaching my mid 40's and I still feel like I'm 8 when I come to this house. I remember sleeping in this same basement room when I was a freshman in high school. My parents thought it would be better for me to be living with the grandparents than in the dorm. This room didn't have carpet, or painted walls. It was just a concrete block walls, and concrete floors. There was a little rug by my bed, but the room was far from beautiful. By the time I moved out it was almost finished. However I spent most of that year in this unfinished basement room that was always in a constant state of construction. As an adult, I wonder why they didn't let me stay in one of the three extra rooms upstairs that are finished and beautiful. Why the basement?
I now prefer to be down here because upstairs is much hotter, and it is less likely they will know when I'm up blogging at 2 am, if I'm down here. I choose it and yet it makes me feel small.
Well this is a dreary going no place post. I'm obviously too tired to be posting... Lol! I suppose to sum it up, I'm not feeling at home in this space. I suppose that is good. I don't feel at home in a place that makes me feel small and dirty. Progress... I think so. I have no desire to be stuck, I don't think I am. However, in this process I have allowed myself to feel. Being more aware of what I am feeling has brought some good and painful feelings to the fore front.
I guess I want to acknowledge the hurt and then move on. So I just got up and sprayed the room with my Bath n Body Works body spray. I decided I am going to reclaim this room, and start by changing the smell. I can't do much else but I can smell "twilight woods" instead of musty basement stink. In every way I want to move forward. Let go and refocus my life in the direction of delightful smells! It will be so much easier as I let go of the (C)! That is for sure!
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