Today I was able to go home! Able to eat lunch with my daughter and my man, and then have supper with my son as well. That alone should make it a perfect day. Right? Well it was for the most part. I frankly had a difficult time letting go of some stress, some worries about work. There is nothing that could be done today, so I needed to let it go but I struggled to do that.
I know the most important thing or the most effective thing I could do is to let it go and trust God. I know it and I kept reminding myself of that yesterday, yet it didn't seem to keep me from thinking about it. It kept making me mad... all I wanted to do was focus on my family, focus on spending time with them. I wanted my entire mind to be focused on their issues, their stories, connecting, but my mind kept going back to work.
I finally realized the situation I am needing to deal with is one that brings up (C) for me. I have a hard time with where the line is between being a team player and speaking up for what I want or need. I like to please others, I like to be the "go with the flow, flexibility is the name of the game", but some times I need to stand up for what I think is best, or what I need and I don't know how to do that. I don't know when I can do that. The concept of finding that balance has plagued me all day. I have prayed and prayed, formulated sentences trying to get my feelings and thoughts across, and nothing has seemed right. It is driving me crazy. Here is the (C) part of it for me. As a young girl I was for years in a situation where I had two other friends....three girls is never a good formula for peace. Both the other girls were very strong leaders, as well as myself. We were all hard headed directors trying to lead. I was the new girl. The other two had a balance before I came and with me in the mix conflict arose. I seemed to be the odd man out, OK the truth is they were down right mean to me. I would come home crying to my mom and she very wisely tried to help me figure out what I could do. She taught me a lot about submitting, learning to be a team player, figuring out how to do my best to please them, thinking of them, putting their feelings first.... all good things. What was sorely lacking was me being heard at all. My feelings, or my ideas, or my needs. I realize all that I was taught were great skills to learn and frankly needed for a self absorbed, strong headed little girl. I tried, I even succeeded to find a way to please them enough most days to be accepted. Yet I learned very quickly that the only way to please them was to be the submissive one.
I want to be a team player, I want to do what is right for the betterment of the whole group. I can and I will! Yet there is part of me that wants to be heard, wants to speak up for my needs, and I'm not sure how to do that and not come across as whiny or needy, or directive, or manipulative. I have been praying all day for wisdom. Asking God to guide me to give me words, to help me put Him first, have a spirit of humility. I am willing to be all those things I learned to be as a girl, if I am supposed to be that way, but if I am supposed to speak up I want to be able to have the strength to do that in a Christ like way too!
The hardest part of this day was trying not to let this get in the way of my precious time with my family! Finally with Chris's arms around me, my head on his chest, I just had to let it go and stop thinking about anything else other than his heart beat, and the gift, the incredible gift of family! Happy Sabbath all!
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