327- Struggle between acceptance and improvement!

Today after leaving work I headed out into town to get some errands done.  Some of the errands were boring things like picking up some paper for work, and other errands had the potential to be fun like trying to find new clothes.  I have desperately needed new pants for some time.  I love wearing pants but buying pants is another story.  Perhaps the easiest way to explain what the experience was like would be to say this... swimsuit shopping for most woman  = me trying to find pants. 

Over and over as I tried on pants I found much to loath about this body.  I hate the stomach, I hate the lack of butt, I hate the fact that short is too short and medium or average is to long, I hate that if it fits my waist or stomach (if I'm honest) then there are huge bags hanging off the side of my leg where a hip is supposed to be..... and on and on and on. 

At one point with my stomach in knots, I'm about in tears, I stopped looked at myself in the mirror and tried to figure out what (C) I needed to let go of.  The problem is every single time I looked at the (C) I could not let go of the fact that this would not be an issue if I could stop eating, or start exercising etc.  Where does acceptance stop improvement, or does it? There has to be a way to not hate haTE HATE myself, and still improve.  Where is that, or how is that, or what is that like?

I finally found a pair of capri pants with sparkle buttons at the bottom of the leg... done :)  I left shopping and came home early to help my grandfather who had asked me to clip his toe nails, only to find an empty house.  I waited up for them to arrive home and then clipped toe nails and fingernails, not a fun job!

As I fell into bed, I have to say there was no resolution to this struggle.  Struggling with (C) not knowing how to wash this stinky stuff off! 

Today I did not live MtC!  Not even close!  Contrary to the sounds of it I'm OK, I just want to figure it out! Tired of this battle!