Along with work and many other things that needed to get done today, I needed to find some glasses. Eyeglasses that is. I recently had an eye exam and I MUST start wearing glasses on a daily basis. The office I go to has a very limited selection of frames so I had decided to go to other stores and find something I really liked. So what do I want?
I went to several stores today and found nothing. I had an idea of what I wanted, but let's just say, the eyeglass designers don't agree. I couldn't find anything out there. With every eyeglass frame I put on, every time I looked in the mirror, I questioned myself. Questioned what I like, what I want, my face.... it was bad. I thought I wanted something that sparkled. I like sparkles. Yet too many crystals, or rhinestones looked like too much.... or did it. Then the color... I thought it would be simple... Silvery...something that sparkled...if I want silver then I had to look in the old man section. Lady's frames came in gold, copper, brown, black and every other color of the rainbow but silver....NOPE! I was in such disbelief that I went and asked if a certain frame I found that I liked in copper could be ordered in silver. NOPE! "Silver is not in.", I was told.
Guess that makes me out....nope old... with out style....ergggggg!!!!!! I know better than to let the answer to one little question send me into the spiral of shame.... I know better but I didn't feel better! I convinced myself it was the store. Not good enough, not expensive enough. So I drove clear across town to the nicest, richest section of Charlotte, and started this process all over again. NOPE again... nothing! Not even the 400 dollar frames came in silver. They came in rose, copper, brown, gold, black and Tiffany blue but no silver. At one point looking in the mirror as I had my favorite pair of copper colored glasses on, in this very expensive store, in the most expensive mall in Charlotte, where all the hoity toity people go to shop, I noticed something... yep sure enough... chin and mustache hairs that I had missed in the plucking process! I felt so small. So out of place. So unworthy to be there... I put the glasses down and left. I went to a bathroom found the tweezers in my purse... the bathroom was so busy and I could not pluck in front of all these upity ladies coming in and out..... so.... I went into the stall covered the toilet... sat down and proceeded to pluck those shame causing little hairs. Yep that is how bad it was.
Then after leaving the bathroom... the aroma of pretzels was intoxicating. I wanted one! I NEEDED one!!!! It was like a drug. I knew at that point how incredibly sad this whole process was. I walked right passed the pretzel stand and stumbled upon another glasses store, with even bigger name brands. I walked in and couldn't find anything to try on.
I left the mall, went to my car and started driving home. What a waste of time this day had been. As I drove I was thinking about all the (C) I was just caressing and tried to get to the bottom of it all. Why is it so hard to know what I want and to then be OK with wanting it? Why am I so easily persuaded to think otherwise? Why is it so easy to go to this sink hole of (C)? Why?
As I approached a stop light I was consumed with thoughts of despair, it was pitiful! While sitting at the light a lady caught my attention. She was going up the hill on a very narrow side walk in this very wealthy part of town in a wheel chair. Both of her legs were amputated. She was struggling to get herself up the hill. I was struck by the fact that we were both struggling and my struggle all of a sudden seemed so ridiculous. Or was it. As I watched, I thought I should pull over ask her where she needs to go and take her where ever that is. But I was in the center lane of a very busy intersection and it would be quite the feat to figure out how to get back to her. Then I saw her talking to a lady who was on her cell phone. The lady on the phone, while talking, walked over to the woman and started pushing her up the hill. Perhaps I should have still worked on finding a way around traffic to get back to her to help, but in that moment it seemed like it wasn't my struggle. It was not my opportunity to help. Today the person who got the joy of helping was the cell phone lady. Today struggling to get up a hill in a wheel chair was not my struggle. For some reason my struggle was figuring out what I want.
The entire drive home I prayed and talked with God. Trying to figure out if it is a worth while struggle or not. Was that lady there to teach me a lesson to just be thankful for what I have and buy a pair of old man silver frames and be done with it! Or was that lady there to say, we all have struggles, don't stop, one step at a time or one hill at a time you can do this. Or was that lady there because she needed to get some where?
I realize picking out eyeglass frames is not much of a struggle in comparison to huge struggles that each of us face each and every day. As ridiculous as it may sound, and as many times as I try to not write this.... because I can literally see the look on some of your faces as you read it... I can hear how shallow it sounds.... Today this was my struggle and I needed to struggle with it. I needed to learn something, understand myself better, and that is OK! So what did I learn about what I want or about who I am? I'm not sure yet..... I'll let you know when I figure it out. Until then my screen is blurry!
No comments:
Post a Comment