Sabbath I struggled so much. Mostly with aloneness. I had wonderful moments with people I love, I was able to spend time talking with the Andersons. I was able to see former students, always a blessing! Yet in the midst of it, I was felt so alone. It is one of those times when I know I'm not... but I feel it anyway. I was surrounded by people who love me but that didn't stop me from falling into a terrible pit of aloneness.
Sabbath afternoon it was time for church, and I went in and sat by myself at the end of a row. Becca was with Andrew, and my kids were with each other, and then there was me. I sat there uncomfortable, not sure I made the right choice in my dress, hating my hair, not comfortable in the chair and just wishing I was not there alone. Then a friend of Beth's came and sat down at the other end of the row, and asked if I was saving seats. Just the question, emphasized how I was feeling. Nope I'm not saving seats.... I'm alone. (I know how ridiculous this all sounds, but (C) isn't exactly logical, or good!) Beth's friend is a beautiful woman, strong, confident, and she looked great! I found myself comparing myself to her.... NEVER a good idea! I liked her dress and her purse, and her hair..... I'm sure you know what I am talking about. Those moments when everything you are insecure about in yourself, you find perfect in others..... ERG!!!!! She then asked if I could save the seats for Rick and Beth. I was excited by that! I would not be so alone! Rick and Beth came and Beth was wearing a dress almost identical to her friend. Beth always looks amazing and today was no exception. Both woman looked great and I had a hard time not just rolling around in my own piles of (C). About that time Becca and Andrew led out in the praise music, with a few others. It was amazing. Hearing Becca sing is always a beautiful experience! Then the speaker, who was dull at best. It was bad! At some point Beth and her friend got up and left together. I can not begin to tell you how much I appreciate Beth and I also know how special her relationship with her friend is! As they walked out my first thought was how happy I was for Beth. So happy that she was able to spend time with her friend. I know how important that time is for her! Then (C). I frankly wished there was someone there for me to walk out with! I didn't want to be included.... I was happy for them to have their time.... I just wanted to walk out with someone and not be so alone!!!!
As I sat there I tried to understand where it was all coming from, why.... I knew with out a doubt I was thrilled for both ladies! So why the funk. Why was it so hard. I knew being tired didn't help. However I know without question, aloneness is a huge issue for me. It has been since I was a little girl, and it still is. As I sat there by myself, I kept thinking about how ironic it is that I came up with this idea for recruiting that takes me away from my best friend and husband. I have struggled with aloneness alot, and have written about it before. I knew it was (C) but I had a very difficult time letting it go.
Later as I left for supper, Beth and her friend were sitting out on a picnic table. Beth invited me to come over and talk. I had a great time getting to know her friend, and so much enjoyed the content of the conversation! It was a wonderful time. Yet still sitting there watching them interact, I felt alone. At one point I remember realizing I have never had a friend that was like me. Most of my friends have been very different from me. I've never had anyone who dressed like me, or looked like me, or even acted like me. I was always different. Watching Beth and her friend made me wish I had someone similar to myself, someone who because of our similarities would affirm me, affirm who I am.
As I contemplated that thought I realized at the root of the issue was the need to be OK with myself. I was feeling incredibly awkward in my own skin. Several times, after the three of us had gone inside to the evening program, I said things, or started to say things and never finished. Then I started saying things to myself like.... "well don't you sound like an insecure... messed up....crazy!" It was ridiculous!
I wish I could write that I finally was able to let go of the (C). I was able to clearly define the (C) and then I was comfortable in who I am. I can't say that.... not even close. It was a terrible difficult day. I struggled like I have not struggled in a while.
Even on Sunday, when talking with Chris about it I was about to break down in tears. It has been rough. My only conclusion has been this....
As a little girl growing up in Ethiopia, I seemed to always find myself in a situation where I was coming into an established friendship between two girls. I was the new girl and there were only two others, who were fast friends. I also can honestly say I have never had a friend that I shared clothes with, I have never had a friend who looked like me. I never had one of those friends where we were two peas in a pod. Perhaps that is why I talk with my students so much about the importance of being unique, being proud to be who you are, being willing to be weird, after all we all are in some way! Yet at camp on Sabbath I desperately wished I was not unique, but like. I wished I knew what it was like to be just like someone.
Now enough of the pity party. I know... I KNOW!!!! that I am a uniquely created child of God!!!!!! What I am really wanting is to belong! Belonging is huge! It is a God given need, but I really believe we are to find our belonging in HIS arms. No question, it is nice to belong with friends, but ultimately I want to belong to HIM!!!!! I want to know I am HIS! I know the exhaustion, not being with my family, not spending time with Chris, and not having personal time with Christ is why Sabbath was such a struggle. Ultimately, I went out into my day empty, searching for.... needing.... and when that happens nothing is enough.
If you read this please understand..... Beth and her friend were and are amazing! I love Beth, and admire and like her friend so much! They never did anything to make me feel uncomfortable! In fact it was the opposite, in our conversations I felt not just included but part! They were absolutely wonderful! My feelings were not because of them!!!!! I love who they are and what they have! Today was simply a result of being way to empty, and letting to much (C) in.... and the only fix is some Jesus time!
With all of the struggles I had today, I never once thought of it as being more than what it was, (C). I had a much harder time letting it go, taking a shower, and being free, but I never doubted what it was....(C). It was old hurts, old wounds reopened. It was all connected with lies (C) that say, I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, I don't belong.... all (C) (C) (C) (C)!!!!!!!!!! I will take it as a good day! I may have struggled but at least I can identify it as (C) instead of truth!
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