This morning started slow, I was enjoying laying in bed and not getting up until I wanted to. Anna came running into my room and informed me that Carolyn was inviting us to White Lake for the weekend. Seeing Anna's face so full of childlike joy was amazing! She wa so excited and ready to jump in the car that moment. I knew Chris had been working on a plan for us to celebrate our Anniversary this weekend, so I wasn't sure he would want to go. Seeing Anna's face made me want to go just for her! I also could imagine Carolyn asking. She is an amazing problem solver and she is great at convincing you to do do things. She has a way of fixing all that would keep you away from what ever it is she would like you to do. With out even talking to her I could hear her wanting us there, wow I wanted to go, for Carolyn. Then, I saw a picture of Liesl on the pier at White lake and I thought about my amazing God children and how much fun it would be to show up at White lake to spend time with them.... boy now I really wanted to go. Then I thought of Chris and knew that since we have been apart so much, since he already had plans for us, since on our actual anniversary all three kids will be home, that he would want to stay home and have our time together. Wow I wanted to spend the weekend with Chris! It hit me. What I was wanting was to please everyone! What did I want? Frankly I didn't know. Of course I wanted to be with Chris, but I also really wanted to be with my God children and our friends, but if I took everyone else's feelings out of the picture what did I want?
I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't figure out what I would want. I wanted to please Anna, Chris, Carolyn and my God children. I wanted to please, so much so I truly had no idea what I wanted to do.
Chris called a few minutes later and told me things were blowing up at work and there was no way he could leave early and he really wanted to spend the weekend with me. Of course that is what we decided to do, but it still didn't answer the question.
I don't want to be narcissistic but it wouldn't hurt to know what I want. When Chris arrived home tonight I told him I was struggling with the realization that I don't even know what I want and that I was going to start trying to figure it out, not just about the weekend but about a lot of things.
Living MtC includes being willing to figure out what I want, what I like and then I can make the decision about whether to choose what I want or to do what others want. This is not about only doing for me, but about figuring out what I like.
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