298-Wednesday- struggling with disappointment

I have hated disappointment.  Disappointment I avoid at all cost, by preparing myself for the worst.  With others I just do everything possible to keep those around me from being disappointed.  This morning Chris had to take Andrews car into the office to have them check it out.  Soon after Chris called and asked to speak with Andrew.  They were discussing the car situation.  It wasn't good.  The outcome was making the decision to let it go instead of trying to fix it and start looking for something else.  Andrew was very nice and mature about the whole thing but I could tell he was so disappointed.  Andrew loves his car, when we first found it, he just kept talking about how much he loved it.  He couldn't drive it right off because we had to work on getting it paid off, and in the mean time it would have to be Chris's car.  He was so thrilled to drive it every change he got.  Then everything started to wrong.  He was caught in a hail storm and that ended up making it a salvaged title. Then it rolled down a hill.... (long story) and ended up with lots of body damage,...now engine problems.  Disappointment after disappointment. 

Watching his face, knowing his disappointment made me physically ill.  I hate hate hate it.  I tried telling myself it was a character building opportunity, but it didn't help.  I just wanted to go out and buy him the nicest car possible.  I know we can't, there is no money for that but oh how I wanted too!

I have no idea why disappointment is so difficult for me, but it is.  I had a hard day, on top of it all, Andrew and Becca left just an hour or so after the disappointment.  I hated to see them go.  It has been so nice having them home.  I made it through thinking about how much joy it would bring Beth to have them in her home.  So I said good by and spent the rest of the day doing nothing but spending some time with my girl Anna. 

I know one thing I must learn to do if  I am going to live MtC is to face negative feelings.  Disappointment, hurt and I'm sure others.  I have spent way to much time running, hiding, or covering up negative feelings and that is just a breeding ground for (C).  So today, I just let myself feel sad for my boy, I let myself miss the kids, I let myself be sad.  I didn't wallow in it I just let myself feel it, even when it was uncomfortable. I survived it and didn't turn to food to numb it.  That was huge!!!!  Today living MtC was all about being brave enough to feel.