So the day started the best a day can start.... in bed with my best friend and lover. I cherish every moment with him and love waking up with him. So many days we are either not together or he is waking up earlier and kissing me goodby as he walks about the door for work before I am even conscious. I love the morning when we are both waking up together without a huge pressing schedule. This morning was a beautiful way to start the day. When Chris and I were dating we decided to not sleep together before getting married... not just sex... we decided that even sleeping together was an intimate act that we wanted to save, to only once we had made vows to each other. This morning as I laid in bed next to Chris, it was such a beautiful intimate moment.
What contributed to the wonderful morning was the fact that I was home and all three of my kids were home. That is a very rare occurrence and it made the day a very special one. I have stayed in a lot of homes much nicer than mine, certainly hotels that are spectacular, but there is nothing as nice as just being in my bed, with my husband, and having my children just a couple rooms away.
When I got up this morning to make coffee Sarah was already packing and getting ready to leave. It made me so sad. I wanted more time. More time with her, more time just soaking up this wonderful at home feeling. Today I really felt like I was running out of time. Running out of time to have fun with just our family! Running out of time to reconnect or connect. Running out of time to listen to them bicker, running out of time.
As we said goodby today it hurt. I miss her already and wish we had more time.... not just his weekend but in life.
So what does all of this have to do with this blog.... letting go of the crap. Well I have for much of my life minimized all that is good, prepared for the worse, and frankly expected it all to fall apart at any moment. I can't tell you how many times beautiful days like today were plagued with terrifying feelings that it will all fall apart at any moment. I have at times obsessed about the fact that my husband was having an affair (when I know he is not, when he has done nothing but love and honor me since the day we met). I have obsessed about terrible accidents happening and taking the lives of my children. I have obsessed about any number of terrible things. Frankly, these good days have rarely been enjoyed for fear of what might happen.
That is ridiculous! If it happens then I will ask God for the strength to get through, but preparing for it takes away the joy, the calm the peace of this beautiful time when all is good. This beautiful time when I have intimacy with a prince of a man, when I have a home, when I have three amazing kids whom I love and who love me. These moments need to be relished and enjoyed. The other stuff... the (C) that keeps me from enjoying.... I'm putting it down, letting it go and just relishing in the blessings of this day!
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