Today I spent sometime taking Anna on a drive to go and retrieve a chair she had seen on Craigslist. It was her first purchase for "her place". She doesn't have a place yet or a job but is hoping that will come soon. She has started dreaming, and planning for her first place. We have worked on what her style is, what she likes and dislikes etc. It has been a fun process and today she found a pink chair she loved. We drove quite a ways in the falling apart Subaru to purchase this chair. It gave us about 2 hours total of time to talk in the car. It was wonderful. Anna is quite the young woman. She is funny and open. We had a great time... that is until the car started acting up. We still made it home eventually but it was certainly touch and go.
At some point she was sharing with me some of the (C) she is dealing with in her life. It was such a gift that she was willing to share...on the other hand it was heart breaking. I wanted to fix it! I wanted to do everything I could to fix it and yet I know it is not my place or even good for her if I do. Not that different from my shopping experience with Sarah, once again I feel like I wish I could do so much more and yet now my role is to encourage, love and pray...pray...pray!!!!
As a parent I have been struggling this week with (C) dealing with regret. Regret for what I wish I had done. Wishing I had started this process of letting go of the (C) long before even having kids. Perhaps the worst of it today was hearing and seeing the (C) that Anna is dealing with and guess what.... It is the same as mine! Coincidence? I don't think so. I know most likely she inherited it from me. Some of it was (C) I shared with her, or taught her and that breaks my heart!
At this point she has not been willing or able to see how much of it has come from me, and so apologizing too much just makes it about me. This was not about me it was about her, so I loved her, showed empathy and then we started working on a plan to help her put the (C) down. Someday she will see how much came from me, and I will apologize for sure! I really believe the best I can do for her, is listen, and live my life an example of letting go of (C). Parenting is difficult at every stage. It is also incredibly rewarding at every stage. This stage of watching them become adults is perhaps one of the most rewarding, and yet today I found it difficult. Today I hurt and was angry about the (C) I have passed on. We often think, the (C) in our life is just ours to deal with and yet perhaps the stinkiest thing about (C) is how it permiates and affects those around us. If I am covered in it, my children are going to start thinking the smell, the filth of it all is normal! Those around me will be affected, friends, family, church, work. Today sadly I saw some of that second hand (C) and it made me sad.
At the same time, at one point she mentioned my blog and this process and acknowledged she has seen a difference and wants the same. There is hope. Hope that perhaps just as (C) affects those around me perhaps this process will also help those around me.
Crap is a stinky mess. Life is so much better learning to live MtC!
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