Tonight I am writing by the fire, under the tree, in bed...it takes me back to my childhood, sleeping next to the tree, looking into the tree, mesmerized by the lights and enjoying the mood lighting it created. The fire adds to the ambiance. Being with my husband makes it all the better!!!!!!
In the midst of all of this beauty and comfort elements I am reminded of my great need for comfort. I'm not sure why or where it comes from but for some reason it is a great need of mine. I like down comforters, fires, hugs, mood lighting, hot drinks, soups, bread, cakes, pies, slippers, hoodies, and warm baths. All these bring me comfort. Not just comfort as in comfortable but it is like a blanket that insulates me from the pain I have held onto for so long. The pain of not being all I want to be, the pain of things said to me that I have held onto or believed, the pain of disappointment and so much more. Tonight, I am reminded that I am ready to enjoy these comfort elements for the sheer pleasure they bring and not need them as insulation. I am not exactly sure how to go about letting go of the hurt and the over all need for comfort. I wish it was as easy as forgiving and letting go of it all at one time, and maybe it is, but it is much more likely that it will be an ongoing process. Today, I spent sometime asking God to forgive me, I spent sometime asking God to heal the hurts, I spent sometime turning it over to Him. I am certainly not sure about this process or how to do it but I do know it never hurts to spend time with God, and to spend time turning things over to Him.
Some of the hurts I am trying to turn over are...
Loneliness: I spent much of my childhood without close friends, without a best friend, without someone to tell my feelings to, my hopes, dreams and disappointment. I am not lonely any more! I have dear wonderful friends that love me, know me, and encourage me. I have an amazing man who adores me and who listens to me and desires to understand me better. I have no reason to hold onto issues of loneliness. The pain of loneliness is in the past and I need to leave it there and let the wounds that came from those years be healed by God. So today, I am giving it to HIM!
Hurt that comes from hurtful things being said: This is a tricky one because it is something that still happens. It will always be something that can happen, however it is one thing to deal with the hurt that happens today and a very different thing to have to deal with 40 or so years of hurt AND the hurt from today. So today I spent sometime forgiving those that have hurt me and asking God to heal the hurt.
So tonight as Chris and I sleep under the Christmas tree, beside the fireplace, I am enjoying it all for with pure pleasure and able to soak it in, in a very different way!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Day 80- Living minus the Crap
Today is a great example of living minus the crap! Frankly, it sometimes seems easy when with my man! His affirmation, glances, touch, and his just general pleasant nature makes it easy to set the (C) aside. Today has just been so pleasant. Just being together, appreciating the presence of each other has been medicine for the soul. We have laughed, talked and just really enjoyed companionship.
I realized today how the struggle is just easier when with a true partner. Man was not meant to be alone, and though I have wonderful friends who are an incredible support there is something important and special about the intimate relationship of a spouse. The intimacy that comes from having, not only an emotional intimacy, but sexual intimacy, makes this relationship of more importance. I guess I realize how important this relationship is for me. It is more than being in love, it is more than having a romantic partner. This relationship gives me strength to be more. Being adored and loved in such a meaningful way helps me in the process of fighting off, or not accepting the crap. I am not saying it is his responsibility or that it wouldn't be possible without him, but it is like he is standing along side me and supporting me when I want to just give up and sit down. I feel stronger when I am with him. I feel supported.
Today I can honestly say I don't remember one time accepting any (C). Today was a day minus the crap and I am so grateful for that! I am so thankful for a Savior who is still willing to forgive and redeem me. I am so thankful for His design, for His plan for us to have partners in life that can support and encourage us to keep moving forward, and to keep seeking a deeper relationship with Christ!
Today also was a beautiful reminder that the (C) might be familiar and it might be hard to let go, but Oh how sweet it is to not be playing around in it! I am ready to be free! I am ready for Christ to do His work in my life! I am ready to live free!
I realized today how the struggle is just easier when with a true partner. Man was not meant to be alone, and though I have wonderful friends who are an incredible support there is something important and special about the intimate relationship of a spouse. The intimacy that comes from having, not only an emotional intimacy, but sexual intimacy, makes this relationship of more importance. I guess I realize how important this relationship is for me. It is more than being in love, it is more than having a romantic partner. This relationship gives me strength to be more. Being adored and loved in such a meaningful way helps me in the process of fighting off, or not accepting the crap. I am not saying it is his responsibility or that it wouldn't be possible without him, but it is like he is standing along side me and supporting me when I want to just give up and sit down. I feel stronger when I am with him. I feel supported.
Today I can honestly say I don't remember one time accepting any (C). Today was a day minus the crap and I am so grateful for that! I am so thankful for a Savior who is still willing to forgive and redeem me. I am so thankful for His design, for His plan for us to have partners in life that can support and encourage us to keep moving forward, and to keep seeking a deeper relationship with Christ!
Today also was a beautiful reminder that the (C) might be familiar and it might be hard to let go, but Oh how sweet it is to not be playing around in it! I am ready to be free! I am ready for Christ to do His work in my life! I am ready to live free!
Day 79- I'm Ready
Today has been a very full day! Filled with blessings, tears, laughter, friendship and just plain hard work. My day started at 6am out the door by 7:15 and I just arrived home a few minutes ago, it is 1:20am. That is a long day. Tonight there are so many things to blog about I have to choose what or I would be writing all night.
Of all the blessings 3 things stand out the most...
1. In today's sermon I was impressed with the idea of being willing to let God in fully and let him clean me out. After all living MtC is not possible without giving Him free reign to power wash me. I kept thinking back to the beginning of this process and the illustration of wanting to have showered and gotten all the (C) off and sweet smelling lotion and then put on a fluffy white Terry Cloth Robe! I am so ready for Christ to do what he needs to do to clean me up, from the inside out. I want Him to clean my heart and mind, to take charge in my life and to guide and direct me in how to love and serve Him better.
2. In today's sermon an illustration was made that didn't sit well with me. It is not that there was anything wrong with what the pastor was saying, his point was accurate, I just didn't agree with the illustration used to make his point. I was however sitting next to a dear friend who I knew understood without me even saying anything. We have not even had a chance to mention it, since my day has been crazy, but it was such a blessing to have her there, knowing me, and understanding.
3. Tonight, when things were crazy and I wasn't sure it would all happen, so many people made it such a success. The evening was a hit and I am so grateful for so many. Roy, Bonny, Nancy, Tammy, Sandie, Dave F., Rick and Beth, Ed, Bob, and so many more. Everyone just stepped in and helped out. I was even able to leave and drive home and that means I get to sleep in in my bed with my husband. In fact I am going to stop blogging for now and snuggle down. I am falling asleep listening to his snoring :).
So tonight, I am ready to continue the process of letting go and giving God free reign to power wash me! Tonight I am thankful for my dear friend who knows me so well! tonight I am thankful for so many people who are willing to give of themselves to be part of MPA! Tonight most importantly I am so grateful to be home and in bed with a snoring husband!
Goodnight.... or technically good morning!
Of all the blessings 3 things stand out the most...
1. In today's sermon I was impressed with the idea of being willing to let God in fully and let him clean me out. After all living MtC is not possible without giving Him free reign to power wash me. I kept thinking back to the beginning of this process and the illustration of wanting to have showered and gotten all the (C) off and sweet smelling lotion and then put on a fluffy white Terry Cloth Robe! I am so ready for Christ to do what he needs to do to clean me up, from the inside out. I want Him to clean my heart and mind, to take charge in my life and to guide and direct me in how to love and serve Him better.
2. In today's sermon an illustration was made that didn't sit well with me. It is not that there was anything wrong with what the pastor was saying, his point was accurate, I just didn't agree with the illustration used to make his point. I was however sitting next to a dear friend who I knew understood without me even saying anything. We have not even had a chance to mention it, since my day has been crazy, but it was such a blessing to have her there, knowing me, and understanding.
3. Tonight, when things were crazy and I wasn't sure it would all happen, so many people made it such a success. The evening was a hit and I am so grateful for so many. Roy, Bonny, Nancy, Tammy, Sandie, Dave F., Rick and Beth, Ed, Bob, and so many more. Everyone just stepped in and helped out. I was even able to leave and drive home and that means I get to sleep in in my bed with my husband. In fact I am going to stop blogging for now and snuggle down. I am falling asleep listening to his snoring :).
So tonight, I am ready to continue the process of letting go and giving God free reign to power wash me! Tonight I am thankful for my dear friend who knows me so well! tonight I am thankful for so many people who are willing to give of themselves to be part of MPA! Tonight most importantly I am so grateful to be home and in bed with a snoring husband!
Goodnight.... or technically good morning!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Day 78- Beauty continued....
For a day filled with decorating, working, climbing and rushing around town, there has still be so much happen that keeps taking me back to this beauty thing. So I did get my hair cut, and grandmother said, "Did they cut it? I can't tell". Translation, "It is still too long and it looks bad on you". However before that comment from grandmother, and before I even got my hair cut I had an email come to my phone with a notice that Chris had commented on my blog. So I read it and in a cold gym surrounded by students I felt like crying. It was sweet and very sappy! JUST what I needed. It is amazing how those words made me feel like a lady instead of the little girl I always feel like when spoken to by my grandmother. I know that may seem normal and obvious, but I really believe it has less to do with the person and our age difference or relationship and more to do with the words and the way she says them. Her words are cutting, belittling and his were uplifting and affirming.
So I went to my appointment with my husbands words on my mind and heart, wow what a great gift it was. I sat in that chair and took my hair out of the ponytail and she couldn't even get the comb through it. It was so bad, huge, dry frizzy, you name it, it was terrible. I had no make up on, and was so tired. I just looked terrible. I kept fighting the (C). I wanted to just belittle myself but instead I dwelt on Chris's words, I kept playing them over and over as if his words would finally get through and transform me. An hour or so later I did look so much better.... it must have worked... LOL! Later I made it through grandmothers comments with the resolve that I am the woman Chris commented on and not the little girl she still sees.
Then I rush around again, run back to grandparents to change for vespers, had to help them and was late to vespers. I felt rushed and a bit flustered. Enjoyed the concert very much and then..... Vonda, beautiful Vonda comes up to me and says some very nice things about me and my pictures. I didn't handle it nearly as gracefully as I should have, I am very uncomfortable taking compliments, and after leaving I realized how awkward I must have seemed. I was anxious to get away, not from her but from the compliments. I have often wished Vonda and I could spend more time together, I really like her, but I couldn't wait to get away because of the compliments. ERG!!!! Such stupid (C). I every day tell girls and guys to accept compliments, I really want them to understand it. I really want them to KNOW the truth, to see the talent, or the beauty, etc that God has blessed them with. I want them desperately to accept it, but I can't accept it myself. Vonda, Tammy, and Beth, thank you for your compliments tonight.
So after leaving the church I took two girls up to the dorm to try on costumes for a play they are in tomorrow morning. Both girls were insecure and mentioned body issues, hair issues, and so on. It reminded me that it is important to get this stuff right. I need to stop being insecure so I am not thinking of myself but of others. The more insecure and unhappy with myself I am the less likely I am to reach out to others. For example, tonight Vonda, Beth and Tammy you three all looked amazing. Vonda your hair is always so beautiful and you have eyes that are not only beautiful but they grab you. Tonight you didn't let me go... you made me listen, really listen. You did that with your beautiful eyes. Beth, you are always so elegant, so put together and tonight was no exception. You just are a beauty for sure! I am so learning from your willingness to take time to dress, time to do your hair and time to do your make up. You are never just thrown together and I aspire to be like you. Tammy, you are so beautiful too, always concerned with those around you and working so hard to make a good life for all you come in contact with. You have such a beautiful smile that can make people feel welcome and it brings laughter at just the most needed times and lights up a room. Ricci, you are such a beauty, your hair is amazing and that smile is such a delight. Maryjean, you may not feel comfortable in a skirt but you should. You looked amazing and in your Delila costume, you look the part of an amazing beauty!
I needed to write all that. Even if you don't read it, I needed to write what I was really thinking tonight but didn't say. I frankly think sometimes we are happy with our insecurity, even proud that we are insecure. Or at least proud that we don't think we are beautiful, or comfortable believing we are ordinary or plain, Here is the deal, the insecurity often keeps us thinking about us, not others. The insecurity makes us dwell on our shortcomings instead of the beauty all around us. Tonight, I didn't let those around me know of their beauty because I was caught in my own crap and I am going to put it down.
So I went to my appointment with my husbands words on my mind and heart, wow what a great gift it was. I sat in that chair and took my hair out of the ponytail and she couldn't even get the comb through it. It was so bad, huge, dry frizzy, you name it, it was terrible. I had no make up on, and was so tired. I just looked terrible. I kept fighting the (C). I wanted to just belittle myself but instead I dwelt on Chris's words, I kept playing them over and over as if his words would finally get through and transform me. An hour or so later I did look so much better.... it must have worked... LOL! Later I made it through grandmothers comments with the resolve that I am the woman Chris commented on and not the little girl she still sees.
Then I rush around again, run back to grandparents to change for vespers, had to help them and was late to vespers. I felt rushed and a bit flustered. Enjoyed the concert very much and then..... Vonda, beautiful Vonda comes up to me and says some very nice things about me and my pictures. I didn't handle it nearly as gracefully as I should have, I am very uncomfortable taking compliments, and after leaving I realized how awkward I must have seemed. I was anxious to get away, not from her but from the compliments. I have often wished Vonda and I could spend more time together, I really like her, but I couldn't wait to get away because of the compliments. ERG!!!! Such stupid (C). I every day tell girls and guys to accept compliments, I really want them to understand it. I really want them to KNOW the truth, to see the talent, or the beauty, etc that God has blessed them with. I want them desperately to accept it, but I can't accept it myself. Vonda, Tammy, and Beth, thank you for your compliments tonight.
So after leaving the church I took two girls up to the dorm to try on costumes for a play they are in tomorrow morning. Both girls were insecure and mentioned body issues, hair issues, and so on. It reminded me that it is important to get this stuff right. I need to stop being insecure so I am not thinking of myself but of others. The more insecure and unhappy with myself I am the less likely I am to reach out to others. For example, tonight Vonda, Beth and Tammy you three all looked amazing. Vonda your hair is always so beautiful and you have eyes that are not only beautiful but they grab you. Tonight you didn't let me go... you made me listen, really listen. You did that with your beautiful eyes. Beth, you are always so elegant, so put together and tonight was no exception. You just are a beauty for sure! I am so learning from your willingness to take time to dress, time to do your hair and time to do your make up. You are never just thrown together and I aspire to be like you. Tammy, you are so beautiful too, always concerned with those around you and working so hard to make a good life for all you come in contact with. You have such a beautiful smile that can make people feel welcome and it brings laughter at just the most needed times and lights up a room. Ricci, you are such a beauty, your hair is amazing and that smile is such a delight. Maryjean, you may not feel comfortable in a skirt but you should. You looked amazing and in your Delila costume, you look the part of an amazing beauty!
I needed to write all that. Even if you don't read it, I needed to write what I was really thinking tonight but didn't say. I frankly think sometimes we are happy with our insecurity, even proud that we are insecure. Or at least proud that we don't think we are beautiful, or comfortable believing we are ordinary or plain, Here is the deal, the insecurity often keeps us thinking about us, not others. The insecurity makes us dwell on our shortcomings instead of the beauty all around us. Tonight, I didn't let those around me know of their beauty because I was caught in my own crap and I am going to put it down.
Day 77- Still...
I am not going to recount my day... suffice to say it was difficult. I am STILL... overwhelmed!!!! However the highs out weighed the lows. A wonderful evening with friends, laughing, relaxing, the CD with my pictures all wrapped up in such delightful detail....and that brings me to my blogging for today...
Tanya, brought me my package. The way she delivers her "product" is amazing. First she gives you the preview on her blog and then she brings you the real thing. It was a small box with a red satin ribbon around it and her signature sticker holding it closed, (very classy) then you opened it and the detail was just so exquisit that it would take way too long to try to describe. Let me just say it was so apparent that she had spent so much time on it. She had spent a lot of time working on this gift for me. Wow, what a blessing. Notice I was just mentioning the wrapping. The contents are priceless, proof of this experience, pictures I can use to work on brochures and send when I get a speaking engagement, but the wrapping was divine. It reminded me that the outside, the wrapping does matter. If there was nothing in the box it would not be as valuable for sure, but if you could have seen me opening the package... I was gently, untying the string, very gently and slowly opening it as I absorbed every detail. If she had walked in and handed me a CD in a CD case I would have been excited and looked forward to looking at the pictures, but the way things were done I savored every second of opening the gift. It some how even added value to the contents.
I have for so long believed the (C) that my appearance didn't matter... It is crap!!!! I know I have blogged about this before but I needed to again. I know if the contents of the package are nothing, no matter how fine you dress it up, it is still missing the main event. I know we shouldn't judge a book by its cover... but that statement is for the observer not the observed. Big difference. Jesus made birds in bright beautiful colors. He made flowers, sky and the starts. All have function but all have beauty that is unnecessary for function. There is so much beauty in all he made and yet then we say, "how we look doesn't matter"? Really? It should not matter most, but it matters.
I think the biggest pile of (C) that I have been hugging onto is that it doesn't matter... UNLESS it is what others think of you or of how they think you should be... and than it defines your worth. Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut, and I know when I come back to my grandparents, Grandmother will mention that I didn't get it cut enough. That it is too long. It will bother me, even hurt me. I know it is going to happen, and I know it shouldn't, but it will. Everytime I am doing my hair, I can hear my grandmother Chalmers (who has been dead a long time now) saying how people with long gray hair look ratty! When I wear things that are slightly low, (anything past my collar bone) Grandmother will give me a talk on modesty. I realize my grandmothers idea of looking great is a old lady hair cut, short and curly and turtle neck shirts. You know the look right? I know I don't want to look that way, so why do the comments hurt so bad, why do I care? Not sure, but this is for sure!!!!! IT IS CRAP!!! I need to be myself, I need to be willing to carefully spend time on my packaging, and make sure it is done so that it is pleasing to me. Tonight as I opened Tanya's wonderful package for me, I thought about how the quality and even the style of the packaging reflected the style and the talent of the contents within. Just so, if I try to make my outside such that everyone else is pleased with it, then it won't reflect me. If Tanya's packaging had been a completely different fell from what was inside it would not have been nearly as special. When I went to a 4 day seminar on public speaking they critiqued us on our appearance. I was terrified. I had shopped and tried my best to find an outfit that was public speaking esk....I bought a black pant suit with a crisp white shirt and great heals. When it came time for critique, I was almost hyperventilating. The woman very kindly said that I needed to dress with personality that matched my personality. She said, "When I look at you I am expecting, serious, strong, buisness, void of emotion, then you speak, and you come alive, are funny, and emotional and colorful! Your personality doesn't match the outside." I need to be me inside and out. I need to discover my style, my look, and then ROCK it!!!! I need to be freely me. I am not saying we shouldn't consult each other or talk about it with each other, but we need to have the confidence to then pick the "US" and do it, or be it.
I know that for some reason, I want to or tend to value and hug onto the (C) others want to throw at me and ignore the real me. So having my hair done tomorrow is important and I should have it done just as I think would be best, not my grandmother! Because if my grandmother had wrapped up the pictures that Tanya had taken it would look ridiculous and it would not at all be the beautiful gift that it was. If I let her get in the way of me being me, than I won't be nearly the package I should or could be. God created us to be unique individuals and I need to honor His creation in me.
So here are a few pictures of tonights amazing package...
First the package...
Then the content...or the inside... just a few of many many favorites!
Tanya, brought me my package. The way she delivers her "product" is amazing. First she gives you the preview on her blog and then she brings you the real thing. It was a small box with a red satin ribbon around it and her signature sticker holding it closed, (very classy) then you opened it and the detail was just so exquisit that it would take way too long to try to describe. Let me just say it was so apparent that she had spent so much time on it. She had spent a lot of time working on this gift for me. Wow, what a blessing. Notice I was just mentioning the wrapping. The contents are priceless, proof of this experience, pictures I can use to work on brochures and send when I get a speaking engagement, but the wrapping was divine. It reminded me that the outside, the wrapping does matter. If there was nothing in the box it would not be as valuable for sure, but if you could have seen me opening the package... I was gently, untying the string, very gently and slowly opening it as I absorbed every detail. If she had walked in and handed me a CD in a CD case I would have been excited and looked forward to looking at the pictures, but the way things were done I savored every second of opening the gift. It some how even added value to the contents.
I have for so long believed the (C) that my appearance didn't matter... It is crap!!!! I know I have blogged about this before but I needed to again. I know if the contents of the package are nothing, no matter how fine you dress it up, it is still missing the main event. I know we shouldn't judge a book by its cover... but that statement is for the observer not the observed. Big difference. Jesus made birds in bright beautiful colors. He made flowers, sky and the starts. All have function but all have beauty that is unnecessary for function. There is so much beauty in all he made and yet then we say, "how we look doesn't matter"? Really? It should not matter most, but it matters.
I think the biggest pile of (C) that I have been hugging onto is that it doesn't matter... UNLESS it is what others think of you or of how they think you should be... and than it defines your worth. Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut, and I know when I come back to my grandparents, Grandmother will mention that I didn't get it cut enough. That it is too long. It will bother me, even hurt me. I know it is going to happen, and I know it shouldn't, but it will. Everytime I am doing my hair, I can hear my grandmother Chalmers (who has been dead a long time now) saying how people with long gray hair look ratty! When I wear things that are slightly low, (anything past my collar bone) Grandmother will give me a talk on modesty. I realize my grandmothers idea of looking great is a old lady hair cut, short and curly and turtle neck shirts. You know the look right? I know I don't want to look that way, so why do the comments hurt so bad, why do I care? Not sure, but this is for sure!!!!! IT IS CRAP!!! I need to be myself, I need to be willing to carefully spend time on my packaging, and make sure it is done so that it is pleasing to me. Tonight as I opened Tanya's wonderful package for me, I thought about how the quality and even the style of the packaging reflected the style and the talent of the contents within. Just so, if I try to make my outside such that everyone else is pleased with it, then it won't reflect me. If Tanya's packaging had been a completely different fell from what was inside it would not have been nearly as special. When I went to a 4 day seminar on public speaking they critiqued us on our appearance. I was terrified. I had shopped and tried my best to find an outfit that was public speaking esk....I bought a black pant suit with a crisp white shirt and great heals. When it came time for critique, I was almost hyperventilating. The woman very kindly said that I needed to dress with personality that matched my personality. She said, "When I look at you I am expecting, serious, strong, buisness, void of emotion, then you speak, and you come alive, are funny, and emotional and colorful! Your personality doesn't match the outside." I need to be me inside and out. I need to discover my style, my look, and then ROCK it!!!! I need to be freely me. I am not saying we shouldn't consult each other or talk about it with each other, but we need to have the confidence to then pick the "US" and do it, or be it.
I know that for some reason, I want to or tend to value and hug onto the (C) others want to throw at me and ignore the real me. So having my hair done tomorrow is important and I should have it done just as I think would be best, not my grandmother! Because if my grandmother had wrapped up the pictures that Tanya had taken it would look ridiculous and it would not at all be the beautiful gift that it was. If I let her get in the way of me being me, than I won't be nearly the package I should or could be. God created us to be unique individuals and I need to honor His creation in me.
So here are a few pictures of tonights amazing package...
First the package...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Day 76- A little overwhelmed!
We are three days away from a Christmas program that I am in charge of. I still have to get the decorating done, make sure my drama group is ready and has all the props needed to make their skits happen, I have refreshments to get done, I have programs to type and print, (still need to find paper to print them on) I have costumes to have ready for Sabbath morning drama at the Foster Church, school evaluation projects to work on, articles to write, and flyers to design and all I want to do is leave for Christmas vacation.
A little overwhelmed....yep. In times like this I really believe the biggest problem is not being behind, or all the things that need to get done but it is the (C) I keep telling myself. So tonight I am trying to let go, put it down and just accept that I have a lot to do, end of story. I'll let you know how that goes. Tonight in the midst of chaos, with my head rushing I am going to stop blogging, stop facebooking, stop everything, and I am going to spend some quiet time just praying and bathing in his words of love. Tonight as I was at a practice where my students were preparing for a drama they will perform this Sabbath, I was reminded of how very much our Savior loves us. He not only wants to save us, but he is desperate to be our calm in the midst of the storm. So tonight I am not going to keep working on how I can get it all done, and where I can get things, etc. I am just going to stop it all and close my eyes, pray, maybe sing, and let Him give me peace.
"Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest!"
A little overwhelmed....yep. In times like this I really believe the biggest problem is not being behind, or all the things that need to get done but it is the (C) I keep telling myself. So tonight I am trying to let go, put it down and just accept that I have a lot to do, end of story. I'll let you know how that goes. Tonight in the midst of chaos, with my head rushing I am going to stop blogging, stop facebooking, stop everything, and I am going to spend some quiet time just praying and bathing in his words of love. Tonight as I was at a practice where my students were preparing for a drama they will perform this Sabbath, I was reminded of how very much our Savior loves us. He not only wants to save us, but he is desperate to be our calm in the midst of the storm. So tonight I am not going to keep working on how I can get it all done, and where I can get things, etc. I am just going to stop it all and close my eyes, pray, maybe sing, and let Him give me peace.
"Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest!"
Day 75- The previews are up....
Well the day has come when more proof, of my frolic and romp while being photographed, is here. Tanya Musgrave called and let me know she would be posting the preview pictures on her blog. She asked for permission to tell people about me trying to let go of the (C). I hesitated for a minute but then said fine. Today's blog is going to be about connecting you to her blog. I want you to read what she wrote and you can see the pictures there. I will just say this...
It is so easy for me to look at pictures and open my arms to piles and piles of (C). As I said when facing the shoot, that pictures make it impossible to fake or imagine yourself perfect, because the pictures tell the truth. I have always believed, (as a photographer) that people are always beautiful and interesting to photograph when they are comfortable, it is in being genuinely themselves that makes the picture great. I may believe it as a photographer but have not known how to be it as the photographed. Perhaps it is this simple... non of us look good covered in Crap! (that just needed the full word!!!) Seriously, imagine anyone covered in literal crap, then imagine them after a shower with that beautiful white robe! It seems so simple.
Tanya is a gifted photographer for sure!!!! If you are ever in the need, give her a call!!!!! But, it is not the perfect lighting, or the perfect angles or the perfect moments! What I love is I see a glimps of the me without the (C)! I see a glimps of me free. Not completely....perhaps I need to do this on Day 365 to see if I can tell a difference. But I do see the beginnings of it all! Don't get me wrong I could, pick apart each picture, but frankly the freedom I see out shines any lump, bump, or wrinkle. The freedom I see out shines any lump, bump, or wrinkle. Yes I had to write it twice because I almost can't believe it myself!!! It is not about the package or the outside that makes a picture great.... after all how many stunning pictures do you see of a corps...exactly! It is not the package but the inside, the joy, the freedom bubbling out!
Tanya, to you my dear girl! I believe part of your gift is not seeing the perfect light etc but being willing to see the person. You have a gift for finding and highlighting the joy, the playfulness, the personality and then on top of that you wrap it up in artistic perfection! You don't just have an artistic gift but a soul gift. You took this middle aged, insecure mess, who wanted, for the first time, to let it go! You took what would bore some photographers and found a way to see what I so desperately hoped was there!!!! Not a person of outward perfection, not a perfect body, or a perfect face, but a real live human being who is beautiful! My one fear in not knowing you very well before this shoot was that my journey, the struggle, the vulnerability I wanted to share would bore you, and that you would just want to get it over with. I mean after all, I am no Alisha Y! That was the crap I was dealing with the day of the shoot. But I put it down and let you in and you embraced me. Thanks for sharing your soul gift with me and so many others. It is truly what makes you different from every other photographer who can take a good picture.
So here is her blog, enjoy! http://tkmusgrave.blogspot.com/2011/12/letting-go-of-crap-beth.html
It is so easy for me to look at pictures and open my arms to piles and piles of (C). As I said when facing the shoot, that pictures make it impossible to fake or imagine yourself perfect, because the pictures tell the truth. I have always believed, (as a photographer) that people are always beautiful and interesting to photograph when they are comfortable, it is in being genuinely themselves that makes the picture great. I may believe it as a photographer but have not known how to be it as the photographed. Perhaps it is this simple... non of us look good covered in Crap! (that just needed the full word!!!) Seriously, imagine anyone covered in literal crap, then imagine them after a shower with that beautiful white robe! It seems so simple.
Tanya is a gifted photographer for sure!!!! If you are ever in the need, give her a call!!!!! But, it is not the perfect lighting, or the perfect angles or the perfect moments! What I love is I see a glimps of the me without the (C)! I see a glimps of me free. Not completely....perhaps I need to do this on Day 365 to see if I can tell a difference. But I do see the beginnings of it all! Don't get me wrong I could, pick apart each picture, but frankly the freedom I see out shines any lump, bump, or wrinkle. The freedom I see out shines any lump, bump, or wrinkle. Yes I had to write it twice because I almost can't believe it myself!!! It is not about the package or the outside that makes a picture great.... after all how many stunning pictures do you see of a corps...exactly! It is not the package but the inside, the joy, the freedom bubbling out!
Tanya, to you my dear girl! I believe part of your gift is not seeing the perfect light etc but being willing to see the person. You have a gift for finding and highlighting the joy, the playfulness, the personality and then on top of that you wrap it up in artistic perfection! You don't just have an artistic gift but a soul gift. You took this middle aged, insecure mess, who wanted, for the first time, to let it go! You took what would bore some photographers and found a way to see what I so desperately hoped was there!!!! Not a person of outward perfection, not a perfect body, or a perfect face, but a real live human being who is beautiful! My one fear in not knowing you very well before this shoot was that my journey, the struggle, the vulnerability I wanted to share would bore you, and that you would just want to get it over with. I mean after all, I am no Alisha Y! That was the crap I was dealing with the day of the shoot. But I put it down and let you in and you embraced me. Thanks for sharing your soul gift with me and so many others. It is truly what makes you different from every other photographer who can take a good picture.
So here is her blog, enjoy! http://tkmusgrave.blogspot.com/2011/12/letting-go-of-crap-beth.html
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