Tonight I am writing by the fire, under the tree, in bed...it takes me back to my childhood, sleeping next to the tree, looking into the tree, mesmerized by the lights and enjoying the mood lighting it created. The fire adds to the ambiance. Being with my husband makes it all the better!!!!!!
In the midst of all of this beauty and comfort elements I am reminded of my great need for comfort. I'm not sure why or where it comes from but for some reason it is a great need of mine. I like down comforters, fires, hugs, mood lighting, hot drinks, soups, bread, cakes, pies, slippers, hoodies, and warm baths. All these bring me comfort. Not just comfort as in comfortable but it is like a blanket that insulates me from the pain I have held onto for so long. The pain of not being all I want to be, the pain of things said to me that I have held onto or believed, the pain of disappointment and so much more. Tonight, I am reminded that I am ready to enjoy these comfort elements for the sheer pleasure they bring and not need them as insulation. I am not exactly sure how to go about letting go of the hurt and the over all need for comfort. I wish it was as easy as forgiving and letting go of it all at one time, and maybe it is, but it is much more likely that it will be an ongoing process. Today, I spent sometime asking God to forgive me, I spent sometime asking God to heal the hurts, I spent sometime turning it over to Him. I am certainly not sure about this process or how to do it but I do know it never hurts to spend time with God, and to spend time turning things over to Him.
Some of the hurts I am trying to turn over are...
Loneliness: I spent much of my childhood without close friends, without a best friend, without someone to tell my feelings to, my hopes, dreams and disappointment. I am not lonely any more! I have dear wonderful friends that love me, know me, and encourage me. I have an amazing man who adores me and who listens to me and desires to understand me better. I have no reason to hold onto issues of loneliness. The pain of loneliness is in the past and I need to leave it there and let the wounds that came from those years be healed by God. So today, I am giving it to HIM!
Hurt that comes from hurtful things being said: This is a tricky one because it is something that still happens. It will always be something that can happen, however it is one thing to deal with the hurt that happens today and a very different thing to have to deal with 40 or so years of hurt AND the hurt from today. So today I spent sometime forgiving those that have hurt me and asking God to heal the hurt.
So tonight as Chris and I sleep under the Christmas tree, beside the fireplace, I am enjoying it all for with pure pleasure and able to soak it in, in a very different way!
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