Tonight as I sit by the fire, with Christmas music, with our tree decorated and festive, I am reminded of how our tree has changed over the years. When we first married it was covered in bows and silk poinsettias. Both were cheep and it looked new and up to date (at the time :)). I loved it. I remember sitting in our first apartment, with our red walls, white couch (still crisp and clean) and with a tree that touched the ceiling. I had elaborate arrangements all over the house. It was a wonderful time, but no fireplace, no kids, just Chris and me. Then came kids. I wanted our tree to be fun and accessible to our kids. I didn't want to tell them not to touch. I wanted it to be a family tree, I wanted them to play with it, experience it and delight in it. So we made huge candies with paper bowls and cellophane. We made huge ginger bread men and then put candy canes on the tree. We strung popcorn and cranberries as the children got old enough to want to help and make things. One year we even had paper chains. Then after a while we ended up not making the huge candies but having a tree covered in homemade ornaments. Popsicle stick ornaments, clay, paper mache, whatever was being made in school. I called that the school year tree. It progressively got older. We gave the kids ornaments, and they gave us ornaments and so did friends. As the years went by the tree started looking more and more grown up. Now this year, I decorated the tree by myself, (new for us, it is usually a family affair), and so I decided to just put the ornaments on that I liked, the ornaments that meant a lot to our family and or the pretty ones. So sitting here, our tree is very different this year, it is beautiful. It is so grown up. Amazingly coordinated, delicate, and very breakable! It is probably the most reflective of me (and Chris, that is what he says). I am enjoying it so much! I am so thankful I didn't have this tree until now. I am grateful that my life has been full of trees that reflected our family at each stage. I am grateful that now our tree reflects us current. The current us, is not stuck in the past, not wishing for more, but content in who we are right now.
This whole process of trying to live without all the (C) in my life is similar. After all what I am really trying to do is to let go of the (C) that I have carried around for so long. It is taking a step toward living current. Living free of the past, not wishing for the future but living current. Being content right here and now.
I am thrilled to be where I am 10 weeks into this process. I have identified lots of (C) in 10 weeks. I have put down a lot of it, it has become easier to identify, and I have moments where I realize what it is like to live without it. I also still have (C) that I have been holding onto and cherishing for way to long and I have yet to be willing to fully let it go. Yet I am closer, closer to letting it go.
Tonight I am thrilled with where my tree is, content in the knowledge that it has been where it needed to be in the past and that it will become what it needs to be in the future, and tonight it is exactly where it should be. Tonight I am thrilled to be 10 weeks into this process and happy that the past adds to the richness of who I am, the lessons learned and even the (C) I have carried makes tonight all the sweeter. Tonight I am happy to be who I am, thankful and at peace with the knowledge that with His help I will become who I need to be in the future, so I can be completely content and relish in who I am in Him tonight!
Happy Sabbath and Happy Holidays!
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