90-Thankful for gifts

So today was filled with the very last minutes of shopping. I picked up a couple things I know I needed and tried to find a couple more gifts just because.  We are headed to my parents house for Christmas and I wanted to have something for all the nieces and nephews but then I also wanted to have something for my sister and amazing brother.  But then where does it stop.  I can't afford to buy for everyone. These are the thoughts running through my head as I make the last couple thoughts. To help maintain the surprise I can't share all the blessings but lets just say I will not have a gift for everyone but I will have a gift for several people that I had not planned for.  I found some wonderful deals that I think will make a nice gift but didn't break the bank. I am excited about gift giving.

I really appreciate what a gift can do.  I love gift giving.  Not the obligated, I a have to find, so in so a gift, but real gift giving.  You know the. . .  where I try to find something to give you as an expression of my love. In our family (meaning  my parents home) when we have had big family gatherings it has always been suggested that we should not do gifts. To many people, to little money, to much hassle, so lets just not do gifts.  I hate the idea of not doing gifts.  It is not that I want a gift.  I want to give unexpected gifts.  I hate when people try to tell me I can't or who put restrictions on it.  For example I hate being told I can only spend X. 

Today, as I was driving around trying to figure out who and if I should buy or make or just not have something for them, I found lots of (C) getting in the way of my joy.  I was feeling guilty for spending money, and feeling guilty for not finding gifts for some.  I kept battling and trying figure out what is it that drives me or what (C) is there that makes this such an issue for me, or is it even (C).  I have not come up with the answers but I do have a need to be the one who comes with arm fulls of packages.  It doesn't need to be of monetary value, but I want it to be some kind of expression of love.  I want people to open it up and feel the love.  I want them to know.  So I guess, it is less about the gift and more about wanting them to understand my feelings for them.

Today, as I found remarkable deals on a couple gifts, I also came up with no cost ideas for a couple family members.  The joy that filled my soul each time I found something was remarkable.  I love the process of thinking of them and wrapping for them.  Wrapping is very important.  I love everything about it.  However yesterday as I was putting my huge sparkly bows on gifts I thought how many will think it is ridiculous. Ridiculous that I brought gifts and ridiculous that I have wrapped them with huge beautiful bows. I fight with knowing that some in my family will not accept it as the gift it is intended to be but will criticize the "extravagance" or the unnecessary nature of me having gifts for them.  It hurts me when the desire I have to give is just seen as "to much".  It hurts me when people can't just accept the gift.  I guess because when they don't accept the gift they are not accepting the me I am giving them.

Today as I finished up the Christmas shopping I am bracing myself for moments when people don't accept my gift as just what it is, a gift and expression of my love.  I am also realizing how many times, how daily, I do the same thing to God.  He has given me so many gifts, my family, (and a very long list of things everyone would put), but he has also given me so many things I don't like to acknowledge or appreciate.  He has given me beautiful eyes (wow that was almost impossible to write), He has given me a sense of humor, He has given me beautiful and quite plentiful hair. He has given me GRACE! He has given me wisdom, He has given me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..... Today I want to thank HIM, today I want to put down my own crap and see His gift to me, and accept it. Today I am so thankful for gifts.  Thankful for the joy and pleasure of purchasing, making, wrapping and giving gifts. Today I am so thankful for a heavenly father who is excited to lavish us, and I am thankful for the fun that comes with finding and giving the perfect gift for everyone.