So It is 8 am and I am finally getting to write last nights post. So according to webMD it is official I am having perimenopause symptoms. So why is this important to this blog. Well yesterday, everything was going fine. I got up early made breakfast for Jay Yo, a student staying one night with us, and then took him to the airport. Last year Jay was rushed home to his dying father and then was able to donate an organ and save his fathers life. He was telling me all about it on the way to the airport. It was such an inspirational story and he is such a sweet soul. I left him at the airport feeling refreshed and uplifted. He was such a blessing. I then was able to go and do some Christmas shopping, which was interrupted by a call from Chris asking me to join him for lunch! Another wonderful blessing. Then a phone call from Sarah asking if she could join us for lunch... double blessing. Spent the afternoon shopping with Sarah, always a blessing... and then home to see my other children. Life is so good.......right?............well..............................
.....................then all of a sudden, I am wanting to cry, I'm irritated at everyone and everything is going wrong. We needed dish washing soap from the store and no child was able or willing to go.... my car was parked behind another car so I had to take Andrews....couldn't find the things I needed at the store...forgot food for today's lunch... broke an egg in my cart when the carton gave way....the back hatch didn't close completely after loading the car, drove all the way home with it loose afraid my groceries were going to end up on the ground behind me....putting away groceries, the entire carton of eggs fell out of the carton, I had already forgotten about the defective carton.........I'm so upset that Chris asks if I am upset at him, if he has done something wrong...... put away orange juice and hit the above shelf, on the door, in the fridge causing the entire shelf and all its contents to plummet to the floor.....Chris tells me to go into the other room and just sit down.... Andrew comes in the kitchen hearing the disaster and gives me a huge hug and tells me to come see something very important to him.... walks me into the living room sits me down in the chair and hands me the Chik-fil-A package Becca gave him and then walks back into the kitchen to help Chris clean up the mess.
At this point I am wanting to laugh, cry, scream, and run away all at the same time. Andrew was making me want to laugh, with his goofy, funny, yet very tender way of dealing with my break down. I was wanting to cry for causing so much strife, scream because I was mad and run away so I could just have some down time. I decided to go to my room, snuggle down in bed, turn on the TV, and hide. I kept wanting to cry, a very familiar feeling when my period starts but no period in sight. One could say I was tired, a true and accurate statement, but I knew it was more than that. Chris came in a bit later and was very kind and sweet. He tucked me in more and forbade me from leaving the bed. I was happy to do just that. I thought I should blog, but it would have been nothing more than an emotional incoherent rant, and I needed to just think of nothing. I snuggled down and napped waking when Chris would come and check on me and finally fell asleep for the night. It was far from a restless free night of sleep, but it was sleep.
I am feeling better this morning but still a bit emotional and weepy. I decided to look up perimenopause symptoms and I have all but one, and have had many of them for the last couple months. So let the fun begin!
So what does this have to do with letting go of the (C).
First, understanding what is going on with me will help to put the blame in the right place. Or understand why I am having mood swings will help me to figure out a remedy without blaming the egg carton or the kids, or my husband etc.
Second, I spend so many early years of my childrens life depressed and I did nothing about it. I refuse to cause strife in their life because of hormonal imbalance. I will figure out a way to do something. I need to go see professionals and figure out the best way to navigate through this time without damaging those around me. I don't want to make excuses and then harm everyone in my path!
Third, I plan to have a talk with my kids today, and let them know what is going on so they don't take on (C) that I am throwing their way. I want them to understand and hopefully help them with the process of dealing with a mom in this time.
This morning I am fighting with lots and lots of (C), more than I can begin to tell you. I am not sure how much of that is as a result of what is going on physically but it has already been a difficult morning. However, I am at least realizing it is not just me going crazy. I realize this is a part of this crazy journey, called life that I am going to have to walk through.
So today I am praying for strength, wisdom, and a continued relationship with my Lord. I hope to go through this journey with His grace and find a way to not let what is happening physically control me. Today, I am praying for the ability to get through the next few days and be able to celebrate the way I so love to do!!!!!
Let the fun begin!
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