This morning Chris mentioned after reading my post that sometimes he doesn't think my post matches my emotions. Yesterday, was a difficult day. I knew Monday I would be leaving to go up to Pisgah and would be gone until Sunday. The thought of being apart for a whole week put me in a real funk. Chris's observation was that this work of identifying the (C) is a somewhat negative process, and I am not someone who likes dwelling on the negative. I know I have blogged about that concept and He is right. I have a hard time spending too much time in the negative, however I also find myself there more than I should. Sunday was a very difficult day for me knowing I was going to have to leave, but I also was very weighed down with this whole idea that celebrating is somehow selfish and bad. I think the (C) is this... I am a fluff person, a Pollyanna, a head in the sand person, a frivolous without depth, someone who doesn't pay attention to details...etc..etc. It is (C) but I hear it daily, I feel it way too much. With Christmas, or any other time, I hear the sober minded individuals who are always trying to get you back to THEIR reality of negativity. When eating a grand meal you need to remember the starving in Ethiopia etc. It seriously goes through my mind. When decorating for a party... imagine if all the money went to charity what good could be done.... and on and on.
I am tired of the internal fight going on, the (C) I listen too every time I start to celebrate. Honestly part of my mood was realizing how significant the struggle is for me. When writing yesterdays post I just couldn't spend to much time on all this (C) because I needed a refresher! Chris was right, I needed to spend time basking in truth and even taking the time to write the (C) was more than I could bear.
Another concept that I touched on yesterday was that of the beauty surrounding the holidays. On thanksgiving day, at my mother in laws house, Anna was so excited to show us a dress she had bought. It is not a fancy dress but an evening dress. It is certainly too formal to wear to church. She bought it on her own and felt so good in this body hugging black evening dress. She found it cheap and just loved it! After our dinner with my in laws she headed to the room to change. She came out twirling, dancing (the way a little girl would) and just beaming from ear to ear. We all told her how great she looked and talked about her shoe options etc. Then something was said about not knowing when she would be able to wear it... she without hesitation said, "Well if I can't find a reason to wear it, Daddy will have to make a reason for me to wear it!" It was beautiful! Her confidence, her willingness to express her need to dress up. If you have read Captivating, he writes a lot about a woman's need to dress up, to feel beautiful etc. For me personally, I have never felt free to need those opportunities. I frankly have not honored my daughters needs to be dressed up the way I should. So this morning as Chris and I were lying in bed, talking about yesterdays blog, I told him how important that dressing up thing is to the feminine part of me. The part that I have pushed down and ignored for so long. So we are going to as a family find a time when Anna can wear her little black dress and I can break out the little black dress in my closet! I don't know when or how yet but it will happen. Who knows you might get an invite to a "wear all your sparkle party". After all men have football almost every Sunday (or some kind of sport to watch every week...we woman should have at least one time a year to dress fancy!)
In writing this I am constantly thinking of people like my mother who frankly feel more comfortable when in linen and plaid, or wool with a touch of silk and dressing up is not her idea of a good time. That is fine too! I am not saying EVERYONE should dress up or have the desire, but there is nothing... NOTHING wrong with wanting to have the opportunity to dress up. Last night was the banquet here at Pisgah and today it is so much fun to see all the pictures of the girls dressed up and fancy. They have such a good time. I am just saying there needs to be opportunity for us old people to dress up too!
Alright enough about all that... Tonight I am honoring the feminine side of me, the little girl who desperately wants to dress up, twirl around, and be the beauty. Tonight I am letting go of the guilt associated with those feelings, and honoring the God given desire to be a woman, a thing of beauty, and I am acknowledging that to be a thing of beauty, to want to be a thing of beauty makes me no less substantive!
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