131- Trying to be patient.

Yesterday a couple things happened which made me realize I am far from clean of the (C) my grandparents have piled on me and thrown at me over the years.  The pain is hard to wash off. 

Then today, after arriving home, I watched "Say yes to the Dress Atlanta" that I had recorded last week.  One of the episodes featured a heavy girl with a family who were down right cruel.  They at one point called her a linebacker, in one of her dresses, and laughed.  She stayed strong, but the pain on her face was so obvious.  Then as she walked away from them she cried, cried hard. 

As terrible as it sounds, it was good to see.  While watching her pain, and watching the stupid family members hurt her, I realized I have still been making excuses for my grandparents.  Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have agreed with them some and not been willing to really see it as just painful and wrong.  Seeing that woman's family, I didn't in any way agree with them,  they were hateful! It highlighted how I have been unable or unwilling to call what my grandparents have done to me wrong! What I am trying to say, is if I am really honest about it to many times I agree with them.  Example, when Grandfather asked me how was it that Chris puts up with me, how does he stay faithful to me when I'm over weight and don't keep a clean house....  we were in public, I was so hurt I wanted to burst into tears (similar to the girl on the show) but I quickly and privately agreed with him and asked myself the same question.

Today when I saw the pain on this lovely woman's face, I saw her hurting, yet agreeing.  I recognized that pain in myself and knew to heal, to forgive, to take the shower and wash off all the crap, I have to first acknowledge that it is completely wrong!  Sadly even though I say it, know it is... I'm not sure I feel it!  Not sure I'm there yet.  So I am trying to be patient and somehow find the courage to call it what it is, so that I can take the next step to washing off lots of (C) that I have been hanging on to for way too long!!!!!

130- Claiming

Today I had a conversation with a student who is very alone in this world.  He comes from a highly disfunctional family and this past week, his father, someone he was still trying to hang onto as a parent figure, told him he wants nothing to do with him because he believes his son stole from him.  This poor boy came into my office and asked the question, "so what am I supposed to do now?"  At a loss for what to say, I claimed the promise in Psalms that says God is the father to the fatherless.

My day continued on with challenges, but each time I face (C) being slung or discovered (C) I was holding onto, I claimed a promise.  "I am with you,"  "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you," "You are mine,"  "....I will run and not grow weary,"  No matter the issue there was some promise.  So many times we ask questions, failing to remember that there are answers, promises, waiting for us in His word.

An additional benefit of today was the quiet joy that comes from having a focus on Christ.  A focus on what He is saying, instead of the noise of this world.  "Come unto me all ye who labor....,"  Oh how blessed is His word! 

129- Free (posted late....fell a sleep)

Today was a very long day.  The biggest event was being interviewed and filmed by Ron Quick for a promotional video that highlights our recruiting team.  Now, I have posted about how little I like having my picture taken.  To be on video..... 100 times worse.  Who wants to look 10 pounds heavier. I hate hate seeing myself on video.  I dreaded it, was hoping that he would not use me at all....and he still may cute me out....but dreaded it something terrible.

However, dreading it... perhaps.... but I did not let my fear cripple me.  I was able to talk myself through it.  I pictured (C) and letting it go.  I told myself that this was not me or looking good or not, but about us being in the right place at the right time, to minister to the people we need to.  I kept reminding myself that we needed to just share the stories, it is all about the stories, and we can tell stories.  It is not about how I look. 

I shared with the students that I was nervous and how this felt awkward. One of them said they were glad to know I was nervous too.  Then we went on to talk about why we were doing this and had prayer.  In my prayer I was silently asking God to wash away all the (C) and let me be free to share Him. 

I am so grateful for the practice I have had in this process.  It helped so much.  The interview went great and we will wait and see what the finished product looks like. 

Today, I am praising God for the answered prayers.  For helping me to let go and be free to share Him. Today was a great example of why this process is good.  Many times when I am writing late at night about piles and piles of Crap, I have questioned why this process is important.  Why would anyone go through this, and frankly whether or not it is even good to do.  Some days it feels like it is too much about me, too much about (C) and not enough about things that really matter.  Today was a wonderful example of how letting go is important so that we can adequately share God. Yes there are days that are filled with (C) and seemingly just myself, but that is the work so that when the call comes, or when the opportunity presents itself I am Free, Free to share God, FREE!

128- Alone....Not really

Today I had to say goodbye to Chris as he headed back to Charlotte.  I hate saying goodbye to him and today was particularly hard because he was stressed about somethings.  I just desperately wanted to be with him.  Then this afternoon I went to a movie all by myself. I was headed to a movie, that I know Chris would never want to see.  I did ask a friend to go, but when she couldn't, I went anyway.  I have only done that one other time in my life and was fine to be going alone.  The movie was ultimately about aloneness.  The empathy I felt for the character brought on loneliness.  It was weird.  As I drove away in the early evening, I felt so relieved that it was just a movie and not my life.  I have certainly struggled with feelings of aloneness, but I have truly never been really alone! Not like this character. 

Just a week or so ago I blogged about my feelings of aloneness.  Tonight, I want to put down another layer.  Tonight I was acutely reminded that I am NOT alone!  I may have felt it, I may even still feel it, but I am not alone! I am not without a birth family, in fact I am surrounded by a huge family that love me! Parents, Grandparents (seriously who at 42 still has two grandparents living), aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sister, nieces and nephews. I am not alone!  I don't live alone, I am married to the most loving, in to me, funny, sexy, thoughtful and deep man.  For almost 23 years he has cherished me!  I am not alone!  I am surrounded by friends who love me, are crazy enough to be on this journey with me :) and who pray for me! I am not alone!  I have three wonderful children, that I am so proud of, and who love me too!  I have people I work with, students, and church members that I am in one way or another connected to.  I am most definitely not alone!

My feelings have been real, my hurts real, the struggle real, but the source though real, needs to be put in his place. Aloneness for me has been a huge hurt, a huge hole.  A hole I have tried to fill with any number of other vices, instead of surrendering the hole to God.  Instead of focusing on truth, I have let small incidents create deceptively huge craters in my heart. I let incidences of real hurt turn into volumes of lies.  No more! It is all (C) and I am ready for that shower!  I am ready to focus on the truth,  I am not Alone!

So how do I keep new hurts from turning into volumes of lies, deal with the hurt.  See the hurt for what it is, an incident, a hurt, forgive, be willing to feel the hurt, be willing to be healed by my Savior and then move on.  To often we take incidences and make them a life story.  No more! It is all (C) and I am ready for that shower!


Tonight as I watched the character in the movie navigate through an utterly alone existence, I realized how incredibly, rich in love and acceptance I am.  I realize the hurts that created the lies have been around long enough and kept me from seeing those around me who are truly alone. It has kept me from being free to live as I should and has kept me from appreciating those who make up the bounty of love that surrounds me.

127- Laughter and being yourself.

It has been a very long day.  It started with early church, leaving the house before 8am and ended in a different town, with a late dinner.  There have been many blessings for sure.  Beautiful music played by young people is always such a blessing.  Delicious food, time with my man, watching the drama team minister with their talent and hard work.   What blessings.  However, by far one of the greatest blessings today was laughing and being completely comfortable to be myself.  Last Sat. night we had a few friends over and we all enjoyed wonderful moments of laughter!  It was wonderful and healing!  Tonight, we went out after vespers with Rick and Beth and we just really had a great time laughing.  I am reminded of my first post after listening to a Christian comedian, when I wrote about the importance of laughter.  It is very healing!  It is something I cherish.  In my family, my brother Jon was always given the title of comedian.  He was always the funny one! I loved his humor and still do!  I have in recent years realized that I can not only enjoy laughing at others but when I feel comfortable I can be quite funny too.  Chris gets the most exposure to my humor, I suppose it is because I feel the most comfortable, with him!

Tonight as I am ready to shut things down and get some sleep, I realized that my humor is there, I have just never felt comfortable enough in my own skin to use it. Frankly, when I am self conscious or insecure or covered up with (C) it is hard to even think of things that are funny. The moments when I am able to be funny are the same moments when I feel comfortable to just be me.  So tonight, I am ready to let the me shine a little stronger.  I am ready to let go of whatever it is that keeps me from being who God created me to be.  I am ready to laugh and ready to make others laugh too! As the (C) is washed away it will be interesting to see who is under all that!

What a wonderfully enjoyable evening it was! What a blessed gift friends are who can make you laugh and laugh with you too!

126- The process

The process, the journey, this should be the focus.  I heard several different times today about how important it is to focus on the journey not the destination.  I have found this difficult as a Seventh-day Adventist, who has, as young as I can remember, thought about second coming, heaven and all things at the end of the journey.  Today as I heard the idea that it needs to be about the journey, I asked myself how or if that should play into my Adventist beliefs.  After all eschatology has been a huge primary focus of my church. We find it important for everyone to know what the end, will be.  So have we lost the focus? 

This blog has an end, just 239 days from now.  However the end has no preconceived outcome.  I have not decided to be something or that something magical will happen.  Though this has an end there is no major goal, this is all about the process.  All about daily, trying to live consciously for my Savior.  I am wanting to daily honor Him by not carrying around piles of (C).  Most of life is not that way.  We are usually focused on an end point.  The destination, the finish line, the orgasm, the graduation, the fireworks, the end of a book, the engagement, the wedding, the birth etc.  What about all the time leading up to? 

Tonight I am reminded of what my father told me when no one would date me.  He said to pray that God will daily direct me in what I am doing and who I am becoming.  That way if his plan for me is to be married it will happen and if not then I have not wasted a lifetime searching and yearning for something that was never meant to be. That is hard to do.  I know even with this process, I have hoped and even dreamed that the process was going to magically make me everything I have ever dreamed of being.  I have dreamed of a new body, a boldness, a freedom, and so much more.  However, if my focus is on the end point then the process is lost.  I have intentionally tried to not think about the end, but just the day to day. Since I am not trying to complete something, but am just trying to do something everyday, it is completely about the process. 

So what about my church and what about this process. I have decided that both are the same.  We should as a church be longing for the day when we are able to be with Him in heaven, however it is more important that we long to be with Him today!  It is more important that we focus on spending time with Him right here and now.  It is more important for me to spend today setting down the (C) and living free!  It is important for me to walk today with my eyes set on Him.  Then in 239 or 360 or 150 days from now I will be exactly where I should be.  Frankly, in our relationship with Christ there is no finish line.  There is no end.  It just takes place in a different location, but it is still the same relationship.  The relationship is not about a way to get to the final destination. It is all about a journey with him that will just continue on in a glorious garden and then new earth! Somehow I think we expect that our relationship with Jesus will magically be different and glorious when we get to heaven, but it will be the same relationship. I know, it will be special to feel him, see him, and literally hear him, but the relationship will still be between me and my Savior.  He will still have the same love, the same character, the same grace, the same care, the same delight in me there as he has here!  The good news about that is I can experience Him now!  I don't have to wait!   If we spend so much time thinking about the wedding day or the second coming and not enough time thinking about our relationship with Him now we miss out on something. Something glorious. In fact if we don't surrender our hearts to him now perhaps we won't want to be there with him in the new location. Today, I need to focus on today!  Today, I need to focus on his face, today! Today, I want to set down some of the (C), today!  Today, because of his delight in me, I can start to understand what that fluffy white robe feels like, today!  Today, I can start to understand what a life with my heart in His feels like, and then heaven will not be the end point, but just a change in location!

125- Blind

This evening I met Chris at Olive Garden for a wonderful dinner.  While I was waiting for him to arrive, I sat in my car and listened to music.  As I sat there I was contemplating my day.  Then a couple came walking out of Olive Garden.  The man had sunglasses on and a cane.  I thought of Dr. Shive a Psychiatrist. I have been to Olive Garden with him several times. He is friends with Lynn and whenever she is in town she takes him to Olive Garden and I tag along.  I realized when I saw the blind man walking out of Olive Garden fondly remembered my lunches at OG with Dr. Shive.  When I worked at Nosoca back in highschool and college we had blind camp.  I loved it! There is something very different about being around and interacting with a blind person.  I feel like they somehow know me,  the real me.  I know when talking with Dr. Shive, all that really matters is what he sees.  He sees me and that is all he sees. 

When I saw that man walking out of Olive Garden I also thought of my grandmother.  I thought how I wish she was blind.  I'm not being mean, I just wish she was blind so she could know me.  My grandmother is constantly disturbed by me and almost everyone.  She is disturbed by fat people, by ladies who don't wear hose, by women who wear high heals, when hair is too long or too short, or too straight, or too curly. She doesn't like nail polish, to much make up, and skirts that are to short.  She is bothered by flip flops, jeans, and any shirt that is lower than a turtle neck, (ok that was an exaggeration, it can be a normal t shirt, but not a v t shirt).  Ask me how I know all this, I hear it every time she sees it on me or anyone around us.  This morning she complained about how girls today only play with their hair and make it look bad, instead of doing needle point. 

I realize that I can't make her happy, I just wished she was blind. Maybe then she wouldn't be so disturbed by everything and could know me.  When I saw that man tonight and when I thought of Dr. Shive I instantly realized what I had struggled with.  See today and everyday, my hair is not right.  I was wearing heals, with hose (but they were patterned so I might as well be not wearing any). I spent to much time blowing dry my hair and getting ready. I come upstairs and the look in her eyes said it all.  She is critiquing instead of seeing me.

I feel sorry for her.  Sorry that she is missing out on a granddaughter who loves her. Missing out on the opportunity to know me.  This sounds depressing, but I'm not! I think the realization that I feel more comfortable around blind people says something.  I have a new goal.  I hope one day to be free enough that I feel the same around people who are blind and those who are not!  The problem is not my grandmothers critical nature.  The problem is not what other people are thinking.  The problem is that I think about what they think!  I want to get to the place where it matters so little that I don't think about it!

I do want to care about how I look, to take the time to do my hair and put on make up.  I even want to do more to take care of my outward appearance.  I want to value myself enough to care about what I am wearing, etc.  I care how I look, I just don't want to care what others are thinking.  When I sit down to breakfast with my grandmother I want to see her!  If I am thinking about all of her rules of dress I am breaking, then I am not seeing her. Then we are both consumed with my looks.  She will most likely always be consumed with  disgust, but I don't need to be consumed with her disgust too!  She may be critical, but I don't need to be thinking of her criticism!

More than anything I want to see Jesus.  More importantly I want to know him.  I don't want anything getting in the way.  I don't want my heart and mind consumed by anything that is not pleasing to him. I can hear Him, my creator, in the voice of a good gospel song leader saying, "That is right! Don't listen to her or anyone, that is right! You need to listen to what I think!"  

"The LORD your God in the midst of you is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over you with joy; he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17