This evening I met Chris at Olive Garden for a wonderful dinner. While I was waiting for him to arrive, I sat in my car and listened to music. As I sat there I was contemplating my day. Then a couple came walking out of Olive Garden. The man had sunglasses on and a cane. I thought of Dr. Shive a Psychiatrist. I have been to Olive Garden with him several times. He is friends with Lynn and whenever she is in town she takes him to Olive Garden and I tag along. I realized when I saw the blind man walking out of Olive Garden fondly remembered my lunches at OG with Dr. Shive. When I worked at Nosoca back in highschool and college we had blind camp. I loved it! There is something very different about being around and interacting with a blind person. I feel like they somehow know me, the real me. I know when talking with Dr. Shive, all that really matters is what he sees. He sees me and that is all he sees.
When I saw that man walking out of Olive Garden I also thought of my grandmother. I thought how I wish she was blind. I'm not being mean, I just wish she was blind so she could know me. My grandmother is constantly disturbed by me and almost everyone. She is disturbed by fat people, by ladies who don't wear hose, by women who wear high heals, when hair is too long or too short, or too straight, or too curly. She doesn't like nail polish, to much make up, and skirts that are to short. She is bothered by flip flops, jeans, and any shirt that is lower than a turtle neck, (ok that was an exaggeration, it can be a normal t shirt, but not a v t shirt). Ask me how I know all this, I hear it every time she sees it on me or anyone around us. This morning she complained about how girls today only play with their hair and make it look bad, instead of doing needle point.
I realize that I can't make her happy, I just wished she was blind. Maybe then she wouldn't be so disturbed by everything and could know me. When I saw that man tonight and when I thought of Dr. Shive I instantly realized what I had struggled with. See today and everyday, my hair is not right. I was wearing heals, with hose (but they were patterned so I might as well be not wearing any). I spent to much time blowing dry my hair and getting ready. I come upstairs and the look in her eyes said it all. She is critiquing instead of seeing me.
I feel sorry for her. Sorry that she is missing out on a granddaughter who loves her. Missing out on the opportunity to know me. This sounds depressing, but I'm not! I think the realization that I feel more comfortable around blind people says something. I have a new goal. I hope one day to be free enough that I feel the same around people who are blind and those who are not! The problem is not my grandmothers critical nature. The problem is not what other people are thinking. The problem is that I think about what they think! I want to get to the place where it matters so little that I don't think about it!
I do want to care about how I look, to take the time to do my hair and put on make up. I even want to do more to take care of my outward appearance. I want to value myself enough to care about what I am wearing, etc. I care how I look, I just don't want to care what others are thinking. When I sit down to breakfast with my grandmother I want to see her! If I am thinking about all of her rules of dress I am breaking, then I am not seeing her. Then we are both consumed with my looks. She will most likely always be consumed with disgust, but I don't need to be consumed with her disgust too! She may be critical, but I don't need to be thinking of her criticism!
More than anything I want to see Jesus. More importantly I want to know him. I don't want anything getting in the way. I don't want my heart and mind consumed by anything that is not pleasing to him. I can hear Him, my creator, in the voice of a good gospel song leader saying, "That is right! Don't listen to her or anyone, that is right! You need to listen to what I think!"
"The LORD your God in the midst of you is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over you with joy; he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
1 comment:
Well, I have hair envy of you... I love that your hair is thick and mine is thin, I love your hair because it's curley and mine is stick straight...... You know I am a prissy girl, and I scold myself for taking too long to get ready for church... because I do want to look good which equal me feeling good..... so I don't know what to do with that!
Next time you "see" your grandmothers criticism, I would ask her.... that you have been thinking about Jesus' blind spot.. how did he do it? How did he talk to a prostitue, a tax collector, man with leporesy.... and not have disgust in his heart? Grandmother, how do you do that?
See if you can "see" her from her answer...maybe that is too simple minded, because that is the way I think!!! I think you are beautiful every time I see you... outside and inside!!!!!! LOVE YOU!
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