112- Prayer

Tonight Chris and I hosted a dinner at our home for a group of friends/ or church family members.  It was a time to get together and eat, fellowship and pray for our church.  We had a soup and homemade bread pot luck that turned out very good! The food was delicious but what I want to write about tonight is not the food, or the preparing, but once again the importance of friends and openness. 

Tonight we were asking that this group of individuals pray with us for the next 40 days.  To pray for our church, to pray for our pastor, to pray for our own hearts and attitudes.  In the process of talking about the strong need I see for our church to be open and accepting, I felt impressed to share something that is incredibly difficult for me to share.  In fact it is so difficult it is something that I have yet to feel safe enough or bold enough to share here.  So tonight as I sat on the ottoman in front of the fire sharing, I felt like I was free falling.  Who knows what will happen, what will their reaction be, what will they say?  I wanted to not stop talking so they wouldn't have the opportunity to chime in.  I was terrified.  However I knew two things.  One, I knew it was time to be real, and two I knew on either side of me were people who had my back (so to speak).  Everyone was very nice to me,  and it was wonderful being open!

So here is the deal.  I realized after sharing that there was a lot of (C) associated with being quiet, there is a lot of crap associated with any secret.  Crap about what people would think if they knew.  I can remember when my grandmother would say terrible things about her niece.  She would bash them for being terrible house keepers, no she bashed them for being pigs!  Living like pigs!  Being filthy and fat.  I can remember the first time she openly was talking about them to my mother in front of me.  I was 6 years old and we had been cleaning for what seemed like weeks for her arrival.  I remember feeling shame.  I remember hoping she would never find out that the clean house she was visiting was not the house we usually lived in.  After all to get it to look this way we had been working for ever!  My room was normally a mess.  I found myself identifying with my grandmothers niece and taking on the (C) she was spewing.   I remember thinking at 6 years of age, how important it is to keep the "dirty" us a secret! Don't let anyone see it because if they do see it they will think you are a pig.  I have spent a lifetime of hiding the "dirty".  Anything that I think is going to be unacceptable to others and sadly I am still doing it! 

Tonight, I was reminded and convinced that letting others in, turns on the light and makes the issue have less power.  Obviously I don't know what people are going to do with the information they heard tonight, but I am trying to just let it go and believe that if God impressed me to tell then he has got it under control.  I may feel some what more vulnerable, but I certainly feel more free.

Tonight was not about telling our "dirt" it was about coming together and praying and I am so thankful for prayer. It is only through the power of Jesus Christ and prayer that makes it possible for the dirt to be cleaned out of the darkest corners of my life.  It is only because of prayer that I can free fall and still feel safe.

Tonight I am letting go of the (C) that told me I need to keep the "dirt" secret.  That I can only share the "clean" me.