So today I have struggled with this hold idea of my weight, etc. I have done lots of reading, thinking and praying. I have come to a conclusion. At the risk of sounding like I am giving up, I have decided that I will not let weight be an issue!!! I don't think it is physically, mental, or emotionally healthy to obsess about weight. I know I have done lots of it since I was young and it has not been working for me.
Today I signed up for devotionals, and a webcast for "Made to Crave". It is a book Carolyn gave me and Beth also talked about, that is about craving God instead of food. About letting him fill holes etc. I think it will be good for me and I am excited to read it and start participating, but the focus for me will be on the craving God part!
I am going to keep working on running and exercising but not worrying about weight.
Today I ate a huge plate of lettuce with cold leftover lentils on top and enjoyed it very much! I know it was good for my body and I liked feeding it with nutrients and good protein! However I also enjoyed some instant homemade ice cream made in our new Blendtec blender. Why am I telling you this... I'm not sure. Just thinking about this subject brings up so much Crap for me I can't even begin to tell you! Honestly working on this part of my life will be the most difficult thing ever. Not because of the hard work of loosing weight but perhaps the hard work of being willing to stay just as I am. I am not convinced at this point that going through everything it will take to significantly change this body is good for me. Saying that is like opening up flood gates of Crap for me. I know how it sounds and what many of you must be thinking!!!! However, I can't!!!!!.... I must not!!!!! worry about that! At this point I am feeling very convicted that I need to do exactly what I believe is right and that is to worry about everything else in my life and work on living a healthy God craving life! If that results in some weight loss fine, but for me perhaps the harder work will be accepting myself just as I am.
Today I was reminded of when I felt convicted that I needed to wear a wedding band. I knew I needed to, I knew it was right for me and yet I hated the idea that I would in the eyes of many conservatives look like I was back sliding. I was starting down the slippery slope of leaving the church. (I realize how silly that sounds today but it was a very real and genuine fear.) I finally came to the conclusion that I could be an example of someone who was not the stereotypical badventist. (Please don't anyone think that I think wearing jewelry of any kind makes you a badventist! ) At the time I knew I could be an example of someone who may wear a wedding bad but who is still a shining light for God.
I guess after much contemplation I believe that I will at this point strive to be a person who perhaps dispels the stereotype that if you are heavy you are lacking self control, you are unhealthy and you are an emotional eater. I just want to work on being a healthy person for Christ, and let this body be what it is. Perhaps it will change and I will end up skinny! I won't complain! I will not let my weight be the primary focus of my life. It has dominated to much for to long, my heart, my insecurities, my soul and I am done!!!!! I am going to try to daily look in the mirror and declare myself a beautiful child of God! I am going to spend time each day treating this body to water, nourishment and exercise. I am going to spend time everyday learning more about how to Crave God! About how to be the woman he would have me be. I am done with the CRAP!!!!!!! that says if I had it all together I would just be skinny!
As I am sure you can tell from this post I have been struggling with way to much Crap today and I am tired. I am ready to go to bed, ready to start another day tomorrow. I did not live today minus the crap! I spent today fighting it and I'm glad the day is over.
Tonight, I am trying to be content just as I am.
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