107- Sad

Yesterday we found out that our pastor is taking a medical leave of absence. We are praying for him and hoping he returns soon, but understand the reality is that it may not happen soon.  The news has created just a sadness that should be explained this way.... In our church there have been growing challenges, growing struggles around the same issues every church deals with.  For years we have been so at home in our church.  When stress in the world has been escalating our church has been a constant place of refuge until recently.  Recently it has not felt so safe.  If has felt like a place where we are constantly trying to be changed, not by God or the holy spirit, but by other members.  Criticisms of each other seems to be growing all the while everyone keeps talking about we need more unity.  It seems the more unity is talked about the farther and farther apart we become.  With the news that we don't have a pastor for an unknown length of time, I have just felt sad.  Please understand, I understand and am happy our pastor is taking the time to work on his health!  I am happy that this is available to him! I am praying for him and his wife!  I am sad because I don't feel at home in my own church!  I don't feel like it is a safe place anymore for me.

I don't want to start a fire storm of gossip about my church.  I just had to be open.  Each of us struggles with things in our lives that are NOT public to the world.  Each of us has struggles that we would rather not share with the world.  Frankly each of us has struggles we don't even want to admit to ourselves.  I know that in this blogging process being open is important.  I know I have been quite open about a lot of very personal things. That was the point of this blog. But even in all this openness, there are still things that I have not shared.  Even in trying to be as transparent as I can be there are still things that all of you don't know.  Some days I just want to blab it all, to just scream to everyone every single struggle I have or have ever had.  The problem is this, I can't!  Even in this "safe" by invitation only place I can't share everything.  If I can't share it all in this, by invitation only place,  I certainly could never be completely transparent in my church. 

Why is this important.  Well today I am afraid my church is becoming less safe.  Less safe when we need to be becoming more safe!  We need to be going one direction and I feel like we are going the opposite direction! In this process of blogging I KNOW that being open is so important to growth, to healing, to learning to KNOW my Savior.  A safe place is vitally important to our growth and yet for some reason the idea of a safe church seems to not sit well for so many in our church.  It is more important to them that we indoctrinate instead of embrace.  Indoctrination is more important than introduction to a loving Savior. 

So why is this subject important to this blog about me letting go of Crap!  Well, tonight I am filled with sadness, filled with a feeling of discouragement and I don't know what to do with it other than write it down.  Other than to share it and pray for a transformation in my church as well as in my heart!  I know that I need Him to transform my life!  I know I need to have a spirit of willingness, a spirit of cooperation, and not of despair!