Today I had to say goodbye to Chris as he headed back to Charlotte. I hate saying goodbye to him and today was particularly hard because he was stressed about somethings. I just desperately wanted to be with him. Then this afternoon I went to a movie all by myself. I was headed to a movie, that I know Chris would never want to see. I did ask a friend to go, but when she couldn't, I went anyway. I have only done that one other time in my life and was fine to be going alone. The movie was ultimately about aloneness. The empathy I felt for the character brought on loneliness. It was weird. As I drove away in the early evening, I felt so relieved that it was just a movie and not my life. I have certainly struggled with feelings of aloneness, but I have truly never been really alone! Not like this character.
Just a week or so ago I blogged about my feelings of aloneness. Tonight, I want to put down another layer. Tonight I was acutely reminded that I am NOT alone! I may have felt it, I may even still feel it, but I am not alone! I am not without a birth family, in fact I am surrounded by a huge family that love me! Parents, Grandparents (seriously who at 42 still has two grandparents living), aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sister, nieces and nephews. I am not alone! I don't live alone, I am married to the most loving, in to me, funny, sexy, thoughtful and deep man. For almost 23 years he has cherished me! I am not alone! I am surrounded by friends who love me, are crazy enough to be on this journey with me :) and who pray for me! I am not alone! I have three wonderful children, that I am so proud of, and who love me too! I have people I work with, students, and church members that I am in one way or another connected to. I am most definitely not alone!
My feelings have been real, my hurts real, the struggle real, but the source though real, needs to be put in his place. Aloneness for me has been a huge hurt, a huge hole. A hole I have tried to fill with any number of other vices, instead of surrendering the hole to God. Instead of focusing on truth, I have let small incidents create deceptively huge craters in my heart. I let incidences of real hurt turn into volumes of lies. No more! It is all (C) and I am ready for that shower! I am ready to focus on the truth, I am not Alone!
So how do I keep new hurts from turning into volumes of lies, deal with the hurt. See the hurt for what it is, an incident, a hurt, forgive, be willing to feel the hurt, be willing to be healed by my Savior and then move on. To often we take incidences and make them a life story. No more! It is all (C) and I am ready for that shower!
Tonight as I watched the character in the movie navigate through an utterly alone existence, I realized how incredibly, rich in love and acceptance I am. I realize the hurts that created the lies have been around long enough and kept me from seeing those around me who are truly alone. It has kept me from being free to live as I should and has kept me from appreciating those who make up the bounty of love that surrounds me.
No comments:
Post a Comment