Today has been an emotionally charged day. We have done lots of entertaining at our home in the last several weeks. In that time the main part of the house has been relatively clean. Some days cleaner than others but over all it has been quite nice. In the evenings between events, Chris and I have enjoyed time by the fireplace. Fresh flowers around, candles etc. It has been lovely. However, in the midst of all this loveliness our room has continued to get more and more a mess. To the point that today I decided it had to get cleaned. If I am honest about it, my room is always terrible. It is always the room where we throw things when people are coming over. It is the room where I pile clothes, books and other junk. My drawers are full of clothes I don't wear, and the drawers don't work well enough to use them. The closet is a mess and the clothes I wear go from suitcase, to chair or laundry basket to suitcase. It is really disgusting! Our bathroom is the last to get cleaned, I hate it!
So yesterday evening while talking with Chris about it I kept getting very emotional. I really believe our homes, our houses are a reflection of us. Not just our style, but our personality, our soul. There have been periods of my life where our home was a total disaster. There wasn't one corner of organization. There wasn't a clean dish, or clean pair of socks in the entire house. I know you may find it hard to believe but I am telling the truth. The ugly truth. There have also been times in my life when all I did was stuff and hide the junk, the dirt and fake clean spaces. Currently there are clean parts in our home, but our bedroom has remained a constant mess.
When I shared my belief that our homes reflect us, Chris asked what I thought this said about us. I have always had parts of the house that I would me humiliated if people opened the door. The laundry room, the basement, sometimes the whole house but ALWAYS my room! Sadly! I think my life is the same, there are deep parts of me that I have hoped people would not know about. There are deep parts of my soul that I have had a hard time believing could be open to the public, even open to God and not be shamed, or rejected. The process of blogging has helped to clean out many of those dark places. It is what this process is all about. Today I knew I needed to start the process of really cleaning out my room. Once and for all it needs to be cleaned from one end the the other. I need to get it organized, I need to get it decorated, I need to transform it. Sadly I don't have the funds to do it the way it needs to be done! But I need to do what i can do. I need to get rid of (C), and do what I can to get things organized. I started today. I have a long way to go, but just like the process of learning to live without the crap in me, takes time, I am trying to be willing to give myself time, to work on the (C) in my room.
Today I was very emotional about our room because I know for years we have left it to last. We have not finished the room, we have not decorated the room, we have not put money into our room, because all the other needs of our family have come first. I feel the same about myself. I have often kept myself busy with other peoples issues, while ignoring my own. The connection made this a very emotional process for me.
Tonight, I am happy to have started one more way of living minus the (C). Tonight, I am tired from the emotional nature of the day, yet thrilled to be working. Tonight I am thankful for a husband who has loved me in spite of the piles of (C) that have affected him for so long! Tonight I am filled with gratitude and a cautiously optimistic spirit. Looking forward to a life with a whole lot less (C) in it!
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