Today I have spent a lot of time contemplating last nights post. My day started with my grandparents needing my help and derailing my plans for getting to work early. Then after struggling to get the grandparents clean and ready for their day, I headed down to the basement and desperately needed Chris. I had barely started my day and I was already behind. I felt overwhelmed and yearned to be home. As I walked into my room I saw my phone and called Chris. Just hearing his voice was wonderful, but then we had a wonderful conversation. I felt connected, loved and even more desperate to be home.
I soon after headed off to work, was able to accomplish a lot, had a wonderful conversation with Beth, an uplifting lunch with Tammy, Beth and Rick, and was able to leave work in time to be home for dinner with Chris. It was a great day!
On the ride home I took lots of time thinking about last nights post. Thinking about what I can do to work on letting the walls come down. I know it won't be easy but it is simple. I simply need to start choosing to let the walls come down. I simply need to not put the walls up. So how do I simply do that. The only thing I know is that I have to be willing to be hurt, willing to put myself out there, be willing to be vulnerable, willing to let friends know when I need them. I need to be willing to share the ugly, the beautiful, just share me with Chris. Alright maybe it isn't simple! This could quite possibly be one of the most difficult things I have done. At the core of so many issues I know aloneness is right up there.
I need to make one thing clear. I am not alone! I am surrounded by amazing people who love me. I am in a marriage with the most loving man who is completely engaged in this crazy process with me. He has been willing to be vulnerable and open with me. He hurts for me, wants to protect me and is relishing in better knowing me. What an incredible gift. I am blessed beyond measure, it is such (C) that in the midst of such love, acceptance and compassion I still feel compelled to put up walls.
Tonight I am praising God for all of my friends. I spent my entire young life yearning for a friend, begging God for a friend. He has certainly answered my prayer. I love you and thank you for being the answer to my prayers. I am also praising God for a man who 22 years ago chose me and is still choosing me! Tonight I am praising God for His answered prayers and want to honor Him by taking down the walls and relishing in the blessings He has provided. How silly that I try to protect myself against the gift that God has provided.
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