102-Interesting day

Well today has been the first day where I have not had something pressing to do, and where I was home by myself for most of the day.  I struggled more today than any other day this vacation.  Several factors have played into the struggle with Crap.

First, even though I gave myself permission to have a PJ day, I just kept struggling with feeling guilty about my lazy day.  I struggled with (C) like, "you are reverting, this process really isn't changing you that much, after all, it has only been easy when people were around, etc"  I kept trying to put it down but there is no question the struggle was much greater!

Second,  I have been asked by our pastor to organize an Agape feast at our church this sabbath evening.   I am excited about doing it, it is fun doing something creative, and yet all the old insecurities of long ago keep coming back up.  For example, I always felt like people only saw me as creative, the decorator, the person with fluff but no substance.  I remember all those old feelings and it has been hard today not taking them on again.  I know it is (C) but I have so struggled with it today. 

I have been somewhat productive working on the Agape Feast, sending emails, calling our pastor, and spending time just planning and thinking about what I want to do and how. (Simply the fact that I felt compelled to tell you this shows the struggle!)

I know that today I learned a couple things.  1.  It is so important to keep praying and to not let my guard down.  It may be easier but the (C) still keeps coming up and I need to keep asking God for his strength to put it down. I need to keep Him close and present in mind.  2.  It is harder when I am alone and I don't think that is because I am weak or a looser... (C).... but it is harder because when we are surrounded by good people we have additional strength.  We were not meant to be alone.  When the people around us have Him living in their hearts He is tangibly with us.  When I start to say or think something and Chris holds up his hands in the shape of a C..... it is easier to not even go there.... Or when Becca does the same.... or when other friends say something..... tell me to put it down.  Being alone makes this more difficult, and that doesn't make me weak, but simply blessed by the people around me.  This gives strength to the argument that if we are willing to be open with our struggles to those we love and trust perhaps it would make the struggles easier to overcome. It goes to show that keeping struggles to ourselves strengthens the struggle.

Today finds me, thankful for those around me who have been willing to walk this journey with me.  Today finds me realizing the vulnerability of this process gives me strength.  Funny how that works!