Tonight I am pondering aloneness. Being alone. Feeling alone. Then the opposite.... Being together. Feeling connected. It is easy to spend time thinking of aloneness when you are alone. While here at my grandparents I am in the basement. That just sounds alone doesn't it?
There have been many times when I have felt alone. I remember feeling very alone as a child. I didn't fit in with most of the girly crowds, and the boys weren't interested in a little tomboy. So I was alone. I grew up with two amazing brothers, but they weren't interested in playing dolls, so I was alone or playing trucks in the dirt and alone with my desire to play house. I felt alone returning from Africa, I didn't understand this place called adolescent USA. It is a universe all it's own and I didn't understand it! I felt very alone! I have felt alone at Pisgah as a student. I knew I was loved, had lots of friends, yet I was not really accepted in any of the clicks. I was just welcomed in all, making it.... not really in any! After all if you were really part of one of the clicks you would not be welcome at any other click. I remember crying graduation weekend when I realized how alone I was! I have felt alone in my family. Perhaps the hardest one to write because I love, really love my family and I know they love me, but I have still had times when I felt so very alone! I have felt alone in grief, alone in joy, alone in misunderstanding, alone in idea, alone in conviction, very much alone. At times I have even felt alone in my marriage.
What is this aloneness? Seriously what is it? God said that it was not good for man to be alone and that was before sin came into play. In a perfect world where Adam had no childhood issues, no (C) that he was having to wade through, God said it was not good for him to be alone. Why? Sometimes we talk about craving alone time. I have often wondered if I could go away and just be alone for a week if I would survive. What would I do? How would it be. I find God's observation about Adam interesting. First of all, I think when we read the creation story it is as if God saw the other animals with their mates and he had an "AHAH" moment. It was like... "Oh wow, this isn't good, I should make Adam a mate" "Why didn't I think of that sooner." Seriously, give God some credit! Do you really think it was an after thought. I personally think that the God who is the alpha and the omega would have considered that before. I think the idea that aloneness is NOT good was so important that he intentionally highlighted it with creation.
I also find it interesting that in a perfect world, God was not enough. Yes you read that right... God was not enough! How many times do we think, that as long as I have a relationship with God, that is all I need! Really? Adam had a perfect relationship with God. He could walk through the garden with him. Talk with him, commune with him, and God still said, I am not enough, he needs someone else. He needs to not be alone. God was not enough. I know that there are times in my life when God was all I had. God will gladly fill in. He will gladly comfort us, dine with us, commune with us, but that is not a perfect solution. He desires that we not be alone.
I think tonight I am acknowledging that the aloneness I have experienced is NOT good. The aloneness is not what God had in mind for my life. He wants me to have close nurturing friends. He wants me to be in a marriage where I am adored and where I am NOT alone. He wants me to have deep friendships because that is GOOD!
Here is the deal. Because of the hurt in past relationships I have often felt alone when I was not alone. I have put up walls. I have refused to step out. The past hurts, have made me try to say, I am enough. I don't need anyone. I have mistaken my walls for strength, and independence. Truth be told I have not been strong enough to be vulnerable. I have not been strong enough to be needy. Truth, tonight I am in my aloneness, realizing my desire to be needy. Today, I missed a friend. I finally texted her to see if I could stop by. She didn't respond. Then I sat there and pondered. Perhaps she got my text but didn't want to respond. Perhaps she was too busy. Perhaps she just didn't see it and would be happy if I stopped by. I finally after much ridiculous (C) decided I need to take one more step to see if it would be possible to stop by. So I called. She said yes. I stopped by. Had wonderful conversation and felt more connected. To all my friends, family, and to my husband, if I start acting like a needy friend, please be patient. I'm just trying to knock down some walls.
To my family, friends and husband. My aloneness is a result of old wounds. It is a result of walls I built a long time ago. It is not because of what you are or are not doing. It is not because you should have done anything, or not done something. It is only because of your unconditional love and support that I am even beginning to want to tear down the walls.
Tonight I am going to try to be strong enough to be needy!
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