131- Trying to be patient.

Yesterday a couple things happened which made me realize I am far from clean of the (C) my grandparents have piled on me and thrown at me over the years.  The pain is hard to wash off. 

Then today, after arriving home, I watched "Say yes to the Dress Atlanta" that I had recorded last week.  One of the episodes featured a heavy girl with a family who were down right cruel.  They at one point called her a linebacker, in one of her dresses, and laughed.  She stayed strong, but the pain on her face was so obvious.  Then as she walked away from them she cried, cried hard. 

As terrible as it sounds, it was good to see.  While watching her pain, and watching the stupid family members hurt her, I realized I have still been making excuses for my grandparents.  Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have agreed with them some and not been willing to really see it as just painful and wrong.  Seeing that woman's family, I didn't in any way agree with them,  they were hateful! It highlighted how I have been unable or unwilling to call what my grandparents have done to me wrong! What I am trying to say, is if I am really honest about it to many times I agree with them.  Example, when Grandfather asked me how was it that Chris puts up with me, how does he stay faithful to me when I'm over weight and don't keep a clean house....  we were in public, I was so hurt I wanted to burst into tears (similar to the girl on the show) but I quickly and privately agreed with him and asked myself the same question.

Today when I saw the pain on this lovely woman's face, I saw her hurting, yet agreeing.  I recognized that pain in myself and knew to heal, to forgive, to take the shower and wash off all the crap, I have to first acknowledge that it is completely wrong!  Sadly even though I say it, know it is... I'm not sure I feel it!  Not sure I'm there yet.  So I am trying to be patient and somehow find the courage to call it what it is, so that I can take the next step to washing off lots of (C) that I have been hanging on to for way too long!!!!!