144- Such a biblical number

My husband is home and falling asleep next to me.  What a wonderful thing it is to have him home! The last several days I have spent lots of time trying to get over a bug of some kind...praying for the One Project and all in attendance, reading, and thinking about several upcoming speaking engagements.  I need to finalize topics, study and prepare. I have found myself crippled with (C).  Caught up in doubt, feelings of inadequacy, and even shame.  I know I have been given the gift of speaking.  I can accept that and am humbled by the opportunities to use my gift, but I have spent to much time separating the preparation from the act.  I feel confident in the act of speaking and highly inadequate in the preparation.  Preparation means in depth study.  Preparation means planning.  Preparation means organizing.  Preparation means to be connected to God.  I doubt myself in every one of these areas.

I also have a problem with looking at others and comparing myself.  For example I look at pastors who inspire me, pastors who have a way of opening my eyes to new and interesting concepts, or to a fresh way of looking at an old story and I then feel more inadequate.  Chris and I talked last night about the amazing speakers and the powerful messages he had been listening to. I then start doubting my ability.  I start doubting so much.

So today with my focus on living minus the (C) I have tried to trust that if I have been called to speak then He must be willing to give me something to speak about.  Today I have literally been saying, "get thee behind me Satan!  Jesus Christ live in me!"  Today I have struggled with topics, struggled with reading and ended up simply putting it all down,  and spending time listening in prayer. 

It is huge for me to see where the crippling feelings are coming from.  I can not tell you how many times I have struggled with this over the years and instead of seeing the (C) for what it is, I would just ad more (C).  For example if I found it difficult to study or find a topic, not realizing what I was really struggling with, I would then start beating myself up for not working hard enough or soon enough etc.  At least I am now recognizing the (C) for what it is and am able to completely eliminate the additional  layer of (C).

 Tonight, I am trying to listen to God more than anything.  To listen, to read, and to listen again.