Hurt...Forgiveness....
I'm not quite sure where to go with this. Right now I am wishing I had seriously read some of the many books that have been suggested on the subject of forgiveness. I wish I had profound insight. I know that people talk about forgiveness as something you do for yourself not for others....or it is also said that forgiveness is not saying it is OK what they did to harm you, but it is just letting go. I know forgiveness comes from God and if I am to forgive someone, I need a heart of forgiveness. I need to first understand how He forgave me!
Within the last week I have been hurt. Hurt that included old things, old hurts, old wounds, yet in the process I was also re wounded. (A new understanding, thanks to my loving brother) It is one of those situations when I can have love and frankly empathy for the ones that hurt me, but it doesn't take the hurt away. In the past, I would let the love and empathy I have for the one hurting me, mask or even deny the hurt. I am way past that. I was hurt and the worst of it is, it is both old and new hurt. I have a new understanding of the relationship, and that brings pain. I have cried a lot, (so much so my eyes have been burning days later) but I'm not convinced I'm done crying. I know tears can heal, but I'm not sure how long I would need to cry.
This hurt has shown a light on a whole lot of (C) I have held on to for a very long time. Much of it I have been confronting in this blog. It brought up the shame I have felt associated with my femininity, feeling unintelligent, lacking in leadership skills, not valued enough to be heard... and more.
I understand the head knowledge of what was going on, I can analyze it, even explain it, but that hasn't healed the hurt. Perhaps this time is harder because it brought up so much old (C). Perhaps this time is harder because I don't know where to go from here. I am not convinced that there is any benefit it trying to "work things out". I am not sure that would benefit anything except perhaps me hurting more. After all, I wasn't trying let things go where they went. I wasn't trying to put myself in a situation to be hurt....yet I was. So now what.
Forgiveness, I'm sure there is a place for it! Healing, Oh how I long for that! (I'm just not sure what treatment is needed for healing to take place.) I want to set boundaries, yet my optimism drives me to try to remain open to new possibilities. I want to fight back, scream, and hurt the ones who hurt me, but then I say... "what is the point!" I don't really want to do that at all. I don't want to make this bigger. I really just want to heal. I don't want to cry over this (C)!!!! (After all my eyes hurt now too!)
I am sorry if this all sounds very vague. I really believe the specifics are not important! There is no need for me to hurt or belittle others in the process. After all I am sure most, if not all of you, can put a face, or a group of faces and a list of circumstances to this story and it will be yours. Who hurt me and how he/ she/ or they/ hurt me is not important. I have no desire to push them under the water while I try to climb up on the life saving ring. So what now?
First, I am going to pray! Second, I am going to read the bible! Third, I am going to let myself cry! Forth, I am not going to avoid hurt by putting up walls, but set up a shield of promises.
Here are some verses I found comforting tonight...
Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Romans 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Romans 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
1 Samuel 24:15 May the LORD be our judge and decide between us. May he consider my cause and uphold it; may he vindicate me by delivering me from your hand."
Psalm 119:154 Defend my cause and redeem me; preserve my life according to your promise.
Tonight I need that last plea! I am praying that He will preserve my life according to His promise! I feel stronger already! Goodnight!
3 comments:
I can only wonder who has and is hurting you. Please take note that as we (who DO LOVE YOU) are reading this blog today our heart breaks for you. I can only imagine how our Heavenly Father feels when He sees your tears. Why do we as humans feel like we need to "straighten people out"... tell them our opinions of their short comings. Well my dear, I think I know you and the Lord blesses us with gifts... we don't get them all! You don't have all the gifts, but you have sooooooo many that are important. I will be turning 60 this year and it does make you somewhat reflective. Looking back I can see where I have really messed up! I still do some of those same things. I meant no malice, I made mistakes. Some people will deal with us harshly, and yes put us down for our shortcoming. The great thing about getting older is that you REALLY don't give a ....(C)... I have done the best I can.... I have done better than a lot of people. I have fell short........ many times! Forgive whoever this is... and back away and protect yourself from this hurt... we need to turn the other check, but we don't have to stay within arms length to keep getting hit! LOL.. put some distance from whoever this is. Move away from it and watch the Lords plan for you unfold. I know it will be AWESOME... just like YOU! Love and prayers being lifted up for you now... and all day for you!
Lucy, Thank you so much for your kind words. I don't want to let the hurt consume me but transform me. I agree with protecting myself, I am just not sure how that practically looks. Lucy, you are so affirming, so loving and such an example of strength. I love the fight you have! I admire your no none sense strength. Thanks for your love and example of strength.
It's easy to affirm you! Have a great day and keep smiling and find joy in your day! (You HAVE to come to one of my Zumba classes and put on a coin shirt and shake it) :) Everyone has a smile on their face during Zumba! We don't take our selves serious and just experience the fun!
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