Tonight I am looking forward to spending a couple days with my husband. We are headed to the airport in a couple hours, to pick up some students and drive them to Pisgah. Chris has continuing education classes tomorrow in Asheville, so I will work at Pisgah. Then tomorrow afternoon he drives to Raleigh and I will go with him. We will spend tomorrow night in Raleigh and then Wed. be back home.
I give you this schedule because it has been where my focus has been all day. I am thrilled to spend time, even just in the car with my man. This break has been hard on us both. We are looking forward to some time together. I have fought with some (C) wondering if I can do it with work both at home and at Pisgah. There is one thing I know for sure and that is my man needs me! So I will be traveling with him! Today I have been just so excited about going, it is all I have been able to think about. He will be in meetings and I will be working on some writing I need to get done for work, but we will be together.
Yesterday and today I have struggled with what to write about. Honestly what has been affecting me most has been the things my family has been going through. Disappointment, hurt, sadness, helplessness, anger, and more. All of those close to me have been dealing with things that have affected me. I have felt all the following and questioned my ability as a mother and a wife. When those around me are hurting, I want to be part of the solution for them getting better. When there is arguing or tension, I want to help be a peace maker. When I fall short or am unable to fix it I fell inadequate! That is (C). I have not known how to write about my feelings without sharing their stuff. What I do know is that the last several days have been packed and charged with heightened emotional feelings and I have mostly dealt with it with prayer and food. To my credit perhaps at least prayer has been a part. I have found myself taking on too much of other peoples issues. Somehow I need to figure out how to be there for them with out taking it on. How to listen without taking it all on my shoulders too. There is really no point in both of us carrying it! However I do! I tend to just strap it all on and carry the extra weight. So tonight I am asking God to take the (C) I have taken on that is not mine! I am asking that he then give me the wisdom to know how to be the wife and mother I need to be.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Day 66 Missed! ... Day 67
One day completely missed! I have no good excuse... just tired. Tired and not wanting to work on anything other than to be there for my family. It would have been easy to post yesterday if I could write about their stuff, their hurts, disappointments, joys, but it is their, stuff not mine. As you can all imagine we have been having so much going on in our family.
Sabbath, the girls and I got up and went to church, Andrew arrived home around 7pm and Chris around 10pm. We were finally all together for just a few hours. All the kids headed out the door at 11am this morning.
As I eat the last piece of pumpkin pie, the Thanksgiving holiday has officially come to an end. We have put of the Christmas tree and now we start looking forward to Christmas. I feel lost at this moment. I can't say this holiday has been any different than any other as far as the food is concerned. I have not been running. I have not done anything I should. I have just survived. It has been almost a depressing holiday. Perhaps more depressing in my inability or unwillingness to do the things I knew I should. In some ways it had less to do with the circumstances and more with my reaction or coping technique. I have most definitely used food to sooth and for so much more.
I did succeed in not retreating to my bed. I went shopping with the girls when I would have rather just curled up in bed, watch girl movies and feel sorry for myself. I did wash dishes and try to keep the kitchen clean. I did cook comfort food for my kids. I did go to church, when that was the last thing I wanted to do Sabbath morning. So it wasn't a complete fail.
Frankly tonight I'm not sure if I am just full of self condemning (C) or if it is just facing the truth. I don't want to be writing because I don't have anything productive to write about.
Here it is...With all that this Thanksgiving break had to offer I know, one thing for... I love my kids, and I love my husband with all I am. I know this process is making things better, baby steps. I want to be down on myself for not eating better, for not running, I frankly am very comfortable self loathing... but if nothing else tonight I am going to put down the (C) and acknowledge this is a process. Tonight I am going to just praise God for the journey, praise God for my husband, and my children. Give Him praise in all things, and believe that all things work together for good the them that love God, and live accordingly...
Lord, give me the grace to keep going in this process. Give me the willingness to start taking some really big steps toward freedom in You! Lord, thank you for my family! Thank you for all the blessings you have so richly provided! Thank you.
Sabbath, the girls and I got up and went to church, Andrew arrived home around 7pm and Chris around 10pm. We were finally all together for just a few hours. All the kids headed out the door at 11am this morning.
As I eat the last piece of pumpkin pie, the Thanksgiving holiday has officially come to an end. We have put of the Christmas tree and now we start looking forward to Christmas. I feel lost at this moment. I can't say this holiday has been any different than any other as far as the food is concerned. I have not been running. I have not done anything I should. I have just survived. It has been almost a depressing holiday. Perhaps more depressing in my inability or unwillingness to do the things I knew I should. In some ways it had less to do with the circumstances and more with my reaction or coping technique. I have most definitely used food to sooth and for so much more.
I did succeed in not retreating to my bed. I went shopping with the girls when I would have rather just curled up in bed, watch girl movies and feel sorry for myself. I did wash dishes and try to keep the kitchen clean. I did cook comfort food for my kids. I did go to church, when that was the last thing I wanted to do Sabbath morning. So it wasn't a complete fail.
Frankly tonight I'm not sure if I am just full of self condemning (C) or if it is just facing the truth. I don't want to be writing because I don't have anything productive to write about.
Here it is...With all that this Thanksgiving break had to offer I know, one thing for... I love my kids, and I love my husband with all I am. I know this process is making things better, baby steps. I want to be down on myself for not eating better, for not running, I frankly am very comfortable self loathing... but if nothing else tonight I am going to put down the (C) and acknowledge this is a process. Tonight I am going to just praise God for the journey, praise God for my husband, and my children. Give Him praise in all things, and believe that all things work together for good the them that love God, and live accordingly...
Lord, give me the grace to keep going in this process. Give me the willingness to start taking some really big steps toward freedom in You! Lord, thank you for my family! Thank you for all the blessings you have so richly provided! Thank you.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Day 65- Only 300 to Go
65 days. Friday night is here again. Starting this journey on Friday night always makes this time very reflective for me. A nice unplanned bonus.
Today I spent out in town with my girls, shopping like the rest of the country. We just bought a couple Christmas gifts...frankly almost nothing, but enjoyed the time together.
So tonight it seems fitting to reflect on the holidays and my relationship with food. I will be completely honest and say I don't think my eating habits have been any different this year than others. I so much enjoyed my mother in laws delicious thanksgiving meal that was quite healthy! We had kale, salad, roasted root vegetables, corn souffle casserole, Gardein Chicken , Greek stuffing, Chris's cranberry relish, and green beans. It was so colorful, healthy, yet comforting and all around perfect. She had apple pie, pecan pie, and red velvet souffle with ice cream for dessert. It was all wonderful and I enjoyed every bite. I ate way to much pie, even having a piece before leaving the next morning. It was so good, homemade and just wonderful.
I can't say I have changed how I eat yet, but the last couple days I have at least been trying to be aware of why I am eating. If I find it is for the need of comfort I have tried to stop myself and just pray. It has not worked all the time. I certainly ate pie, Thursday morning, just because I was feeling very uncomfortable about leaving, sad to be leaving without Chris, sad to be driving on Thanksgiving with just my girls, sad Andrew was headed by himself in the opposite direction, so I ate pie. (I want you all to know I was so happy Chris went to be with his Grandmother and family! I was also very happy for Andrew to go and spend time with the Andersons! I was also happy to be going home with my girls and having some girl time! It was all good yet I hated we couldn't all be together on Thanksgiving.) So I ate pie. I enjoyed every bite and ate it in total awareness that I was eating it for comfort. Then on the trip home, we were starving and nothing fast was open so we ate Dunkin Donuts at a gas station. I got a beagle with cream cheese and then two donuts for the road, but only ate one.
Frankly it has been a real struggle. I think the disruption in our plans, being separated from Chris, not having people to cook for, all of it has left me just wanting to use food. Tonight was particularly bad, the girls wanted rice and raisins, (perhaps the most iconic comfort food for our family). I had one and a half bowls... It was wonderful!
I will say this, simply identifying and being aware when I am eating for comfort or because I'm lonely, does take away some of the pleasure of eating. I realized Thanksgiving dinner was nothing but relishing in the love I felt from my in laws, it was eaten with pleasure and a full and thankful heart. It was eaten, knowing it was also nourishing me. It was perfect! It was as it should be. Since then it has been a much bigger struggle. The contrast has been good to see.
I feel again like I am just rambling about my relationship with food. As some put on facebook.... In a relationship and it is complicated! That is a perfect way to describe me and food.
There is no question, this has been a difficult Thanksgiving. As much as I have enjoyed my girls, being away from Chris makes me very sad! I would add the kids in that too... however as much as I miss having them all in the house for Thanksgiving, If they need to be other places, I think I am alright with that! Chris and I are a family! Together, with or without the kids, we are a family! I will LOVE LOVE LOVE every-time we are all together kids and all, but as long as Chris and I are together... and our kids are safe...all is well!
I think tonight I am a little sad. Friday night, holiday weekend.... scattered...So I ate way to much and food that just comforted me. It is embarrassing writing this but true. Perhaps just realizing it and not just eating and eating and eating, while telling myself a whole lot of (C) is something.
If I am brutally honest, I feel like I have failed. I say I think it is better to acknowledge the reasons, but I have simply been unwilling over and over to trust those moments to God. I have been unwilling to trust in His comfort. It makes me sad, profoundly sad. I can only imagine how it must be for him, when He knows His way will work so much better than rice and raisins. His way will be real comfort. Why can I know it and not do it?!?
Tonight, I am saying, I'm sorry to Him. Sorry, I have yet to really trust Him. Tonight I am going to thank Him for his patience and love.
Today I spent out in town with my girls, shopping like the rest of the country. We just bought a couple Christmas gifts...frankly almost nothing, but enjoyed the time together.
So tonight it seems fitting to reflect on the holidays and my relationship with food. I will be completely honest and say I don't think my eating habits have been any different this year than others. I so much enjoyed my mother in laws delicious thanksgiving meal that was quite healthy! We had kale, salad, roasted root vegetables, corn souffle casserole, Gardein Chicken , Greek stuffing, Chris's cranberry relish, and green beans. It was so colorful, healthy, yet comforting and all around perfect. She had apple pie, pecan pie, and red velvet souffle with ice cream for dessert. It was all wonderful and I enjoyed every bite. I ate way to much pie, even having a piece before leaving the next morning. It was so good, homemade and just wonderful.
I can't say I have changed how I eat yet, but the last couple days I have at least been trying to be aware of why I am eating. If I find it is for the need of comfort I have tried to stop myself and just pray. It has not worked all the time. I certainly ate pie, Thursday morning, just because I was feeling very uncomfortable about leaving, sad to be leaving without Chris, sad to be driving on Thanksgiving with just my girls, sad Andrew was headed by himself in the opposite direction, so I ate pie. (I want you all to know I was so happy Chris went to be with his Grandmother and family! I was also very happy for Andrew to go and spend time with the Andersons! I was also happy to be going home with my girls and having some girl time! It was all good yet I hated we couldn't all be together on Thanksgiving.) So I ate pie. I enjoyed every bite and ate it in total awareness that I was eating it for comfort. Then on the trip home, we were starving and nothing fast was open so we ate Dunkin Donuts at a gas station. I got a beagle with cream cheese and then two donuts for the road, but only ate one.
Frankly it has been a real struggle. I think the disruption in our plans, being separated from Chris, not having people to cook for, all of it has left me just wanting to use food. Tonight was particularly bad, the girls wanted rice and raisins, (perhaps the most iconic comfort food for our family). I had one and a half bowls... It was wonderful!
I will say this, simply identifying and being aware when I am eating for comfort or because I'm lonely, does take away some of the pleasure of eating. I realized Thanksgiving dinner was nothing but relishing in the love I felt from my in laws, it was eaten with pleasure and a full and thankful heart. It was eaten, knowing it was also nourishing me. It was perfect! It was as it should be. Since then it has been a much bigger struggle. The contrast has been good to see.
I feel again like I am just rambling about my relationship with food. As some put on facebook.... In a relationship and it is complicated! That is a perfect way to describe me and food.
There is no question, this has been a difficult Thanksgiving. As much as I have enjoyed my girls, being away from Chris makes me very sad! I would add the kids in that too... however as much as I miss having them all in the house for Thanksgiving, If they need to be other places, I think I am alright with that! Chris and I are a family! Together, with or without the kids, we are a family! I will LOVE LOVE LOVE every-time we are all together kids and all, but as long as Chris and I are together... and our kids are safe...all is well!
I think tonight I am a little sad. Friday night, holiday weekend.... scattered...So I ate way to much and food that just comforted me. It is embarrassing writing this but true. Perhaps just realizing it and not just eating and eating and eating, while telling myself a whole lot of (C) is something.
If I am brutally honest, I feel like I have failed. I say I think it is better to acknowledge the reasons, but I have simply been unwilling over and over to trust those moments to God. I have been unwilling to trust in His comfort. It makes me sad, profoundly sad. I can only imagine how it must be for him, when He knows His way will work so much better than rice and raisins. His way will be real comfort. Why can I know it and not do it?!?
Tonight, I am saying, I'm sorry to Him. Sorry, I have yet to really trust Him. Tonight I am going to thank Him for his patience and love.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Day 64 Thanksgiving
This has perhaps been one of the weirdest Thanksgivings ever. This morning Chris kissed me good-by very early as he left his mothers house to go to be with his grandmother Grissom. I was very happy for him to go, but was sad to see him leave. We had a wonderful breakfast and conversation with Prissy (Chris's mother) and then soon after breakfast Andrew left to go to Becca's home. Then a hour or so later we (Anna, Sarah, and myself) loaded up the car and headed for home.
The trip home was nice, we talked a lot, cried some, laughed and were board. It was a very long 5:45 min. drive that seemed to never end. Coming home with just the girls on Thanksgiving was strange. Thanksgiving is all about family and not being all together was just down right weird. We started talking about how we would spend the weekend, and started focusing on a girl focused fun weekend. Our "Thanksgiving dinner" was a stop at a Dunkin Doughnuts in a gas station where we were stopping for a potty break. (That sounds terrible, really we had an amazing dinner with my mother in law the night before. So we had already had Thanksgiving dinner).
Having Chris and Andrew gone, and knowing that Chris is gone because of death just reminds me how important family is. How important it is to count our blessings and praise God for all he does. So tonight, that is all I want to do. Praise God and give thanks...
I am so thankful for...
Chris, Anna, Sarah, Andrew, Mom, Dad, Prissy, Larry, Paul, Jon, Peter, Mary, Jolene, Alisha, Kurt, Gene, Suzanne, Luke, Elden, Jolin, Tad, Jonathan, Grandmother Grissom, Grandmother and Grandfather Steen, Gra, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Becca, Kevin, Friends, Jobs, Church, Praise,
I am so thankful for...
delicious food, a roof over our head, laughter, romance, a mind, challenges, victories, and the color red.
I am so thankful for...
children who every day make me proud! who are not perfect but who love the Lord, each other, and have a heart to serve others... for all the joy they bring.
I am so thankful for...
a relationship with my creator that fulfills me, strengthens me, challenges me, comforts me, forgives me, sustains me.
I am so thankful for...
ballet, for all things that sparkle and red (yes I already said that, somethings bear repeating! :)).
I am thankful for...
Pisgah, University City SDA Church, Southern, and JJ Heller.
I am thankful for...
conversations that challenge me, sermons that impress me and people who make me laugh.
I am thankful for...
Chris, a man who will give up his Thanksgiving to honor his grandmother and be a comfort and support for her. For Chris, who has loved me in my most unlovable moments, and who promised to always be my support. For Chris who romances me, laughs with me, has passion for me, who will hug me and make everything better. For Chris who has forgiven me so many times it makes me sad to think how much and still opens his heart everyday. For Chris who I am missing terribly tonight.
I am thankful for..... A thankful heart!
Happy Thanksgiving all!
The trip home was nice, we talked a lot, cried some, laughed and were board. It was a very long 5:45 min. drive that seemed to never end. Coming home with just the girls on Thanksgiving was strange. Thanksgiving is all about family and not being all together was just down right weird. We started talking about how we would spend the weekend, and started focusing on a girl focused fun weekend. Our "Thanksgiving dinner" was a stop at a Dunkin Doughnuts in a gas station where we were stopping for a potty break. (That sounds terrible, really we had an amazing dinner with my mother in law the night before. So we had already had Thanksgiving dinner).
Having Chris and Andrew gone, and knowing that Chris is gone because of death just reminds me how important family is. How important it is to count our blessings and praise God for all he does. So tonight, that is all I want to do. Praise God and give thanks...
I am so thankful for...
Chris, Anna, Sarah, Andrew, Mom, Dad, Prissy, Larry, Paul, Jon, Peter, Mary, Jolene, Alisha, Kurt, Gene, Suzanne, Luke, Elden, Jolin, Tad, Jonathan, Grandmother Grissom, Grandmother and Grandfather Steen, Gra, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Becca, Kevin, Friends, Jobs, Church, Praise,
I am so thankful for...
delicious food, a roof over our head, laughter, romance, a mind, challenges, victories, and the color red.
I am so thankful for...
children who every day make me proud! who are not perfect but who love the Lord, each other, and have a heart to serve others... for all the joy they bring.
I am so thankful for...
a relationship with my creator that fulfills me, strengthens me, challenges me, comforts me, forgives me, sustains me.
I am so thankful for...
ballet, for all things that sparkle and red (yes I already said that, somethings bear repeating! :)).
I am thankful for...
Pisgah, University City SDA Church, Southern, and JJ Heller.
I am thankful for...
conversations that challenge me, sermons that impress me and people who make me laugh.
I am thankful for...
Chris, a man who will give up his Thanksgiving to honor his grandmother and be a comfort and support for her. For Chris, who has loved me in my most unlovable moments, and who promised to always be my support. For Chris who romances me, laughs with me, has passion for me, who will hug me and make everything better. For Chris who has forgiven me so many times it makes me sad to think how much and still opens his heart everyday. For Chris who I am missing terribly tonight.
I am thankful for..... A thankful heart!
Happy Thanksgiving all!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Day 63- Thanksgiving early.
We are at Chris's mothers home where we have just finished a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. It was healthy, beautiful, and absolutely delicious. More special than the food has been spending time with Prissy and Larry. How blessed I am to have in laws who I genuinely like and enjoy talking with. What a blessing I am to be married to a man who was raised by such a godly woman. What a blessing to watch her interact with my children and know they are genetically and emotionally connected! I feel so blessed tonight.
Today on our way here, Chris and I received a phone call from Grandma Grissom. She was calling to let us know that her daughter (Chris's aunt Brenda) died this morning of a massive heart attack. We have not been close to Brenda, but dearly love his grandmother Grissom and are very sad to know that she has survived her husband and both of her children. What a lonely place to be. She now has just three grandchildren living and her great grandchildren. (Anna, Sarah and Andrew) Chris is her oldest living descendant. I am also so sad for Brenda's two daughters loosing their mother the day before Thanksgiving. It just made me sad. The news has slightly changed our plans. Chris is headed tomorrow morning to Macon, GA to be with his grandmother and I will head home with our kids. We decided the whole family would be to much during this stressful time, and if just Chris goes he can stay as long as he needs.
The news helped to put things in perspective. I want to take time this Thanksgiving to thank the Lord for my family! I want to thank the Lord for health! I want to thank the Lord for all of you! I want to treasure every moment! I am determined to get healthy, both physical and emotional. I want to spend my days praising God for his amazing blessings! I want to spend my days focusing on all he has done! I want to spend time each day with God.
At first hearing the news just deeply saddened me. It is still very sad, but I am so appreciative of the reminder to really spend this Thanksgiving to share my appreciation to those I love. There is no better time to affirm one another. There is no better time to praise God from who all blessings flow!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tonight I am praising God! Tonight I am affirming family and friends. Tonight I am Thankful! So very Thankful!
Today on our way here, Chris and I received a phone call from Grandma Grissom. She was calling to let us know that her daughter (Chris's aunt Brenda) died this morning of a massive heart attack. We have not been close to Brenda, but dearly love his grandmother Grissom and are very sad to know that she has survived her husband and both of her children. What a lonely place to be. She now has just three grandchildren living and her great grandchildren. (Anna, Sarah and Andrew) Chris is her oldest living descendant. I am also so sad for Brenda's two daughters loosing their mother the day before Thanksgiving. It just made me sad. The news has slightly changed our plans. Chris is headed tomorrow morning to Macon, GA to be with his grandmother and I will head home with our kids. We decided the whole family would be to much during this stressful time, and if just Chris goes he can stay as long as he needs.
The news helped to put things in perspective. I want to take time this Thanksgiving to thank the Lord for my family! I want to thank the Lord for health! I want to thank the Lord for all of you! I want to treasure every moment! I am determined to get healthy, both physical and emotional. I want to spend my days praising God for his amazing blessings! I want to spend my days focusing on all he has done! I want to spend time each day with God.
At first hearing the news just deeply saddened me. It is still very sad, but I am so appreciative of the reminder to really spend this Thanksgiving to share my appreciation to those I love. There is no better time to affirm one another. There is no better time to praise God from who all blessings flow!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tonight I am praising God! Tonight I am affirming family and friends. Tonight I am Thankful! So very Thankful!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Day 62 Still thinking....
I have not been able to stop thinking about my post and all things related the entire day. I had the most wonderful time with Beth at breakfast! It was perfect!!! We enjoyed delicious whole, organic, and amazingly beautiful food, comforting and connecting conversation and laughter as a bonus! It was such a great blessing. I'm not sure I would have made it through this day without the blessing of her friendship. It was the perfect way to start my day!
I was still very emotional. Just thinking about my post made me tear up every time, during and after breakfast. Then after breakfast, I worked hard to get things done at work. No matter how much I tried to just think about work, this issue with food kept consuming my thoughts, and prayers. Then it was like being kicked while down, finding out I had made a mistake on the Christmas Cards going out to all parents today. There was so much around that situation that just kept tearing me down. This time I was trying not to assume the worst, and to look at the truth without taking on unnecessary crap. However, it just kept getting worse. I am not going to go into detail, I don't want anyone to feel bad and I don't want to speak badly of others. Lets just say from my vantage point, it felt like I kept getting kicked in the gut. It was very hard not to take on (C).
I left the office, and headed out to run the last of the errands, when I received a wonderful text from Maria. Thanks, so much. I couldn't text back because I was driving, and crying again. Her text gave me a sense of focus and reminded me this IS important. It seems so silly, this is such a huge thing for me. Tonight at dinner with the love of my life, I had a hard time telling Chris about how I was feeling without crying AGAIN.
I told him, I feel very naked. This whole process of blogging has been quite intense and food has soothed me and comforted me. The thoughts of giving up that comfort has been very emotional. I have wanted to cry and scream at God and say, "Are you kidding me" "Thanksgiving week... after everything I have been through, and everything I have been working on, now, THIS week I have to deal with food!" It just seems like more than I can bear, and what timing!
All day I kept thinking about an email Carolyn sent in response to Friday nights post. She said she liked the phrase, "safe place to free fall". I know she was supposed to highlight the phrase so I would think of it today! I just kept thinking if I can feel like free falling is safe with Chris how much more should I be willing to free fall with Christ! I know he will not only catch me but help me fly! I know it I believe it, the question is am I brave enough to jump!
Just writing this I have a lump in my throat. I'm terrified. Terrified of facing this head on. Terrified to let you all in on the really ugly. Terrified. I know as hard as starting dance class was, I know as hard as it was to twirl while my picture was taken, it is nothing compared to the piles and piles of (C) I have snuggled up with for so many years, associated with the issue of food. I don't begin to understand how it is intertwined into my life but I know it is going to be painful! I also know it will be freeing and transforming when I put it down!
I am not going to begin to tell you how I think this process is going to go. I have no idea. So this terrifying jump.... I'm not even sure what it is. I knew to dance I needed to start dancing...etc. But with this. I don't know. Today, I ate well and when I have been wanting to eat I have simply asked myself why. Why? I had two meals today, the delicious breakfast with Beth and then dinner at Red Robin with Chris. They were two perfect meals, food was delicious and the company was uplifting. I also have refused to mask my feelings with carbs but have just cried and cried and cried. Can I say the emotion has nothing to do with hormonal shifts. It is not that time...:) (Sorry if that is TMI) Tonight I have wanted to eat banana bread, but when I asked myself the question why it was because it would mask the hurt or fear or whatever it is I am feeling. Had water instead.
Tonight, though it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat, I am going to be willing to think about jumping. I am going to be willing to stand in line at the roller coaster and see if when I get to the gate I am still willing. I realize, I have a long way to go. Tonight I only have the courage to ask for God to give me the willingness and the strength to take this one step at a time.
I was still very emotional. Just thinking about my post made me tear up every time, during and after breakfast. Then after breakfast, I worked hard to get things done at work. No matter how much I tried to just think about work, this issue with food kept consuming my thoughts, and prayers. Then it was like being kicked while down, finding out I had made a mistake on the Christmas Cards going out to all parents today. There was so much around that situation that just kept tearing me down. This time I was trying not to assume the worst, and to look at the truth without taking on unnecessary crap. However, it just kept getting worse. I am not going to go into detail, I don't want anyone to feel bad and I don't want to speak badly of others. Lets just say from my vantage point, it felt like I kept getting kicked in the gut. It was very hard not to take on (C).
I left the office, and headed out to run the last of the errands, when I received a wonderful text from Maria. Thanks, so much. I couldn't text back because I was driving, and crying again. Her text gave me a sense of focus and reminded me this IS important. It seems so silly, this is such a huge thing for me. Tonight at dinner with the love of my life, I had a hard time telling Chris about how I was feeling without crying AGAIN.
I told him, I feel very naked. This whole process of blogging has been quite intense and food has soothed me and comforted me. The thoughts of giving up that comfort has been very emotional. I have wanted to cry and scream at God and say, "Are you kidding me" "Thanksgiving week... after everything I have been through, and everything I have been working on, now, THIS week I have to deal with food!" It just seems like more than I can bear, and what timing!
All day I kept thinking about an email Carolyn sent in response to Friday nights post. She said she liked the phrase, "safe place to free fall". I know she was supposed to highlight the phrase so I would think of it today! I just kept thinking if I can feel like free falling is safe with Chris how much more should I be willing to free fall with Christ! I know he will not only catch me but help me fly! I know it I believe it, the question is am I brave enough to jump!
Just writing this I have a lump in my throat. I'm terrified. Terrified of facing this head on. Terrified to let you all in on the really ugly. Terrified. I know as hard as starting dance class was, I know as hard as it was to twirl while my picture was taken, it is nothing compared to the piles and piles of (C) I have snuggled up with for so many years, associated with the issue of food. I don't begin to understand how it is intertwined into my life but I know it is going to be painful! I also know it will be freeing and transforming when I put it down!
I am not going to begin to tell you how I think this process is going to go. I have no idea. So this terrifying jump.... I'm not even sure what it is. I knew to dance I needed to start dancing...etc. But with this. I don't know. Today, I ate well and when I have been wanting to eat I have simply asked myself why. Why? I had two meals today, the delicious breakfast with Beth and then dinner at Red Robin with Chris. They were two perfect meals, food was delicious and the company was uplifting. I also have refused to mask my feelings with carbs but have just cried and cried and cried. Can I say the emotion has nothing to do with hormonal shifts. It is not that time...:) (Sorry if that is TMI) Tonight I have wanted to eat banana bread, but when I asked myself the question why it was because it would mask the hurt or fear or whatever it is I am feeling. Had water instead.
Tonight, though it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat, I am going to be willing to think about jumping. I am going to be willing to stand in line at the roller coaster and see if when I get to the gate I am still willing. I realize, I have a long way to go. Tonight I only have the courage to ask for God to give me the willingness and the strength to take this one step at a time.
Day 61
This is a post I don't want to make. Having said that here I go....
When I started this whole process, the initial idea was surrounding diet and exercise. I was tired of people telling me how I should eat and I wanted to quit hearing them and listen to what I know is right. I wanted to live a year the way I know I should without the slavery to others comments and opinions. Well I am sure if you have been reading this at all you know I have said so little about the diet and exercise. Truth be told, I have just not been able, willing, not sure what to really focus on that. I think all this other (C) is also important and perhaps what needs to be worked on. Maybe I needed to work on all the other (C) so that I can dig deep enough to face or get to the food and exercise issue... frankly not sure.
I know yesterday, as I was driving in to Pisgah, I was starving. I couldn't find anyone to eat with so decided to stop and eat at PF Changs. I ate a dish there a week or so ago and I have been thinking about it ever since. So I stopped and ate. I literally inhaled that dish. (Garlic Noodles). I mean I ate it like a person who hasn't eaten in a month. It was sad. I justified my choice saying it was quality...... but really. There are so many things I could have gotten there that would have fit my belief about food and what I should be doing. Yet I eat, or inhale a dish of noodles, oil, and spices. (Wow I made that sound terrible). As I was sitting there inhaling, I knew I was not eating for any of the right reasons. This wasn't even for pleasure. I was getting my drug.
I have never enjoyed salads. It is not the taste, it is the fact that I feel nothing when eating a salad. It is not a drug. So much of what I eat is. I know yesterday, I needed a drug to cover up. Cover up the (C). In some ways as I'm writing I'm wondering if the reason the food and exercise has been so hard to face is because I feel so raw and vulnerable, so outside my comfort zone, (dancing, twirling on a hill, just being completely open to so many about my personal daily thoughts) that I feel the need, even desperate need to have the comfort or the security blanket of food. I don't know, but I have to figure it out or this year experiment is going to end with me weighing 100 extra pounds. If I eat like I did yesterday at lunch every time I am eating alone I will be huge.
This post is late because after working till 12, I couldn't find anything to write about....LOL....seriously. I knew all day... I have known for days, that the real issue, the thing I need to deal with is this. I just hate facing it. I don't even know what I am facing. I guess, I will make a list of what I think is getting in the way...
Fear (I will fail)
Letting go of my security blanket or drug terrifies me
Afraid of what I MIGHT have to give up if I start choosing food with a healthy mind.
I feel like I might loose a friend. (this statement is so true it brought tears to my eyes)
Comfort
Leaving experience and joy behind. (if I eat salad, I miss out on the joy and delight I would gain from eating the pasta)
Wow I sound like a full blown addict. I heard a man recently make the claim that there is no such thing as addiction, it is all a spiritual strong hold... that all addiction is sin. I don't agree, however right now his comments are haunting me, how much of this is simple sin. I guess you could say I'm not surrendering to Him if I am cripped with fear. I didn't want to write this blog because I have no idea what to do with all this. I don't know what is (C). I don't know where to go, or if I can. I know how I should eat, I am getting over worrying about what everyone else thinks. I don't want to be eating for anyone else, but I don't know how to let go of the comfort that food is for me. I don't think food should be just fuel. I don't think it should just be about nutrition, pleasure should be involved, but that is different than using it as a drug. I need to figure out how to do that. Do I just have to first get rid of the need for a drug? Perhaps, I like the sound of that. Keep working on getting rid of the (C) in my life and magically, I will stop needing the comfort and will start embracing salad? I don't really believe that is the way to go. I just am not sure! PLEASE.... IF YOU THINK YOU know the perfect combination of food that will cure me, that will fix this.... I don't want to know right now. I will welcome you prayers and love, but this I need to struggle with.
I think I need to struggle with it because, I need to understand so much more than the food. I am realizing as I am writing how much I need to discover and work out in myself, first.
Well this is the most unorganized post ever. It is like brainstorm writing. I have no conclusion today, except that I am a mess, and perhaps there is so much (C) surrounding this issue that I can't even begin to uncover it all. I am sure for some of you, reading this you know you have the answer, it is glaring, obvious and simple. I am sure it is and perhaps I will discover it, but please please, just love me in this. Don't try to fix me. I have spent a life of everyone trying to fix this issue in me and it doesn't work. It may be that I am hopelessly stubborn, but whatever it is I need your support in this discovery not your direction. I need to work through this. Perhaps that is one of the reasons it is so hard for me to blog about because I don't have it figured out. I know if I have it figured out it is harder for you to tell me the magic cure.
I can't tell you how many times random strangers have told me what I needed to be doing to stop being fat. It started when I was 10 years old. I was a healthy 110 pounds and 5'4" tall. (my current height) I had already gone through puberty, I was a very healthy weight for the womanly body I already had. A gorgeous woman who was traveling through Ethiopia told me, "You need to make sure you start right now being careful of what you eat or it will get out of control. You don't want to get fat." I heard, " you better start eating better, because you ARE getting fat." I was already having a hard time adjusting to the woman's body I had all of a sudden been given. I had grown a huge amount in height in one year and I had breasts. I was so much taller than all my little 10 year old friends who were Philippine and still had ten year old bodies. I know she didn't mean what I heard, but it was traumatic enough that I still remember what I was wearing, where we were, and what she looked like.
Once after speaking at a women's retreat I received a letter in the mail from a former Pisgah classmate. It contained some magic potion for loosing weight. She wrote a long letter about how much happier I would be etc. I was 45 pounds less than I am now. Not skinning but a healthy weight.
Grandparents, on a regular basis tell me what I need to do. And many others.
I can't write this without crying..... (CCCCCCCC!!!!!) ERG!!!! Why is this so emotional an issue for me. What a week to think about this issue :).... Well I guess I will stop rambling on, wipe my tears and go start my day. I will simply pray about it. I'm going to breakfast with Beth! Excited about seeing her, it has been too long.
It just dawned on me, when writing about breakfast with Beth, if I am with friends I am not using it as a drug! Yesterday I was all alone and my food became my companion. I am not saying I eat healthy with friends, but the relationship to the food is different when I'm with friends. (No conclusion just a little insight.)
So today, I am looking forward to breakfast with Beth. Will pray that God will give me an extra portion of comfort, strength and insight today.
Yes this post was late, less about the late night and more about working up the courage to just let it all hang out... so to speak.
When I started this whole process, the initial idea was surrounding diet and exercise. I was tired of people telling me how I should eat and I wanted to quit hearing them and listen to what I know is right. I wanted to live a year the way I know I should without the slavery to others comments and opinions. Well I am sure if you have been reading this at all you know I have said so little about the diet and exercise. Truth be told, I have just not been able, willing, not sure what to really focus on that. I think all this other (C) is also important and perhaps what needs to be worked on. Maybe I needed to work on all the other (C) so that I can dig deep enough to face or get to the food and exercise issue... frankly not sure.
I know yesterday, as I was driving in to Pisgah, I was starving. I couldn't find anyone to eat with so decided to stop and eat at PF Changs. I ate a dish there a week or so ago and I have been thinking about it ever since. So I stopped and ate. I literally inhaled that dish. (Garlic Noodles). I mean I ate it like a person who hasn't eaten in a month. It was sad. I justified my choice saying it was quality...... but really. There are so many things I could have gotten there that would have fit my belief about food and what I should be doing. Yet I eat, or inhale a dish of noodles, oil, and spices. (Wow I made that sound terrible). As I was sitting there inhaling, I knew I was not eating for any of the right reasons. This wasn't even for pleasure. I was getting my drug.
I have never enjoyed salads. It is not the taste, it is the fact that I feel nothing when eating a salad. It is not a drug. So much of what I eat is. I know yesterday, I needed a drug to cover up. Cover up the (C). In some ways as I'm writing I'm wondering if the reason the food and exercise has been so hard to face is because I feel so raw and vulnerable, so outside my comfort zone, (dancing, twirling on a hill, just being completely open to so many about my personal daily thoughts) that I feel the need, even desperate need to have the comfort or the security blanket of food. I don't know, but I have to figure it out or this year experiment is going to end with me weighing 100 extra pounds. If I eat like I did yesterday at lunch every time I am eating alone I will be huge.
This post is late because after working till 12, I couldn't find anything to write about....LOL....seriously. I knew all day... I have known for days, that the real issue, the thing I need to deal with is this. I just hate facing it. I don't even know what I am facing. I guess, I will make a list of what I think is getting in the way...
Fear (I will fail)
Letting go of my security blanket or drug terrifies me
Afraid of what I MIGHT have to give up if I start choosing food with a healthy mind.
I feel like I might loose a friend. (this statement is so true it brought tears to my eyes)
Comfort
Leaving experience and joy behind. (if I eat salad, I miss out on the joy and delight I would gain from eating the pasta)
Wow I sound like a full blown addict. I heard a man recently make the claim that there is no such thing as addiction, it is all a spiritual strong hold... that all addiction is sin. I don't agree, however right now his comments are haunting me, how much of this is simple sin. I guess you could say I'm not surrendering to Him if I am cripped with fear. I didn't want to write this blog because I have no idea what to do with all this. I don't know what is (C). I don't know where to go, or if I can. I know how I should eat, I am getting over worrying about what everyone else thinks. I don't want to be eating for anyone else, but I don't know how to let go of the comfort that food is for me. I don't think food should be just fuel. I don't think it should just be about nutrition, pleasure should be involved, but that is different than using it as a drug. I need to figure out how to do that. Do I just have to first get rid of the need for a drug? Perhaps, I like the sound of that. Keep working on getting rid of the (C) in my life and magically, I will stop needing the comfort and will start embracing salad? I don't really believe that is the way to go. I just am not sure! PLEASE.... IF YOU THINK YOU know the perfect combination of food that will cure me, that will fix this.... I don't want to know right now. I will welcome you prayers and love, but this I need to struggle with.
I think I need to struggle with it because, I need to understand so much more than the food. I am realizing as I am writing how much I need to discover and work out in myself, first.
Well this is the most unorganized post ever. It is like brainstorm writing. I have no conclusion today, except that I am a mess, and perhaps there is so much (C) surrounding this issue that I can't even begin to uncover it all. I am sure for some of you, reading this you know you have the answer, it is glaring, obvious and simple. I am sure it is and perhaps I will discover it, but please please, just love me in this. Don't try to fix me. I have spent a life of everyone trying to fix this issue in me and it doesn't work. It may be that I am hopelessly stubborn, but whatever it is I need your support in this discovery not your direction. I need to work through this. Perhaps that is one of the reasons it is so hard for me to blog about because I don't have it figured out. I know if I have it figured out it is harder for you to tell me the magic cure.
I can't tell you how many times random strangers have told me what I needed to be doing to stop being fat. It started when I was 10 years old. I was a healthy 110 pounds and 5'4" tall. (my current height) I had already gone through puberty, I was a very healthy weight for the womanly body I already had. A gorgeous woman who was traveling through Ethiopia told me, "You need to make sure you start right now being careful of what you eat or it will get out of control. You don't want to get fat." I heard, " you better start eating better, because you ARE getting fat." I was already having a hard time adjusting to the woman's body I had all of a sudden been given. I had grown a huge amount in height in one year and I had breasts. I was so much taller than all my little 10 year old friends who were Philippine and still had ten year old bodies. I know she didn't mean what I heard, but it was traumatic enough that I still remember what I was wearing, where we were, and what she looked like.
Once after speaking at a women's retreat I received a letter in the mail from a former Pisgah classmate. It contained some magic potion for loosing weight. She wrote a long letter about how much happier I would be etc. I was 45 pounds less than I am now. Not skinning but a healthy weight.
Grandparents, on a regular basis tell me what I need to do. And many others.
I can't write this without crying..... (CCCCCCCC!!!!!) ERG!!!! Why is this so emotional an issue for me. What a week to think about this issue :).... Well I guess I will stop rambling on, wipe my tears and go start my day. I will simply pray about it. I'm going to breakfast with Beth! Excited about seeing her, it has been too long.
It just dawned on me, when writing about breakfast with Beth, if I am with friends I am not using it as a drug! Yesterday I was all alone and my food became my companion. I am not saying I eat healthy with friends, but the relationship to the food is different when I'm with friends. (No conclusion just a little insight.)
So today, I am looking forward to breakfast with Beth. Will pray that God will give me an extra portion of comfort, strength and insight today.
Yes this post was late, less about the late night and more about working up the courage to just let it all hang out... so to speak.
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