65 days. Friday night is here again. Starting this journey on Friday night always makes this time very reflective for me. A nice unplanned bonus.
Today I spent out in town with my girls, shopping like the rest of the country. We just bought a couple Christmas gifts...frankly almost nothing, but enjoyed the time together.
So tonight it seems fitting to reflect on the holidays and my relationship with food. I will be completely honest and say I don't think my eating habits have been any different this year than others. I so much enjoyed my mother in laws delicious thanksgiving meal that was quite healthy! We had kale, salad, roasted root vegetables, corn souffle casserole, Gardein Chicken , Greek stuffing, Chris's cranberry relish, and green beans. It was so colorful, healthy, yet comforting and all around perfect. She had apple pie, pecan pie, and red velvet souffle with ice cream for dessert. It was all wonderful and I enjoyed every bite. I ate way to much pie, even having a piece before leaving the next morning. It was so good, homemade and just wonderful.
I can't say I have changed how I eat yet, but the last couple days I have at least been trying to be aware of why I am eating. If I find it is for the need of comfort I have tried to stop myself and just pray. It has not worked all the time. I certainly ate pie, Thursday morning, just because I was feeling very uncomfortable about leaving, sad to be leaving without Chris, sad to be driving on Thanksgiving with just my girls, sad Andrew was headed by himself in the opposite direction, so I ate pie. (I want you all to know I was so happy Chris went to be with his Grandmother and family! I was also very happy for Andrew to go and spend time with the Andersons! I was also happy to be going home with my girls and having some girl time! It was all good yet I hated we couldn't all be together on Thanksgiving.) So I ate pie. I enjoyed every bite and ate it in total awareness that I was eating it for comfort. Then on the trip home, we were starving and nothing fast was open so we ate Dunkin Donuts at a gas station. I got a beagle with cream cheese and then two donuts for the road, but only ate one.
Frankly it has been a real struggle. I think the disruption in our plans, being separated from Chris, not having people to cook for, all of it has left me just wanting to use food. Tonight was particularly bad, the girls wanted rice and raisins, (perhaps the most iconic comfort food for our family). I had one and a half bowls... It was wonderful!
I will say this, simply identifying and being aware when I am eating for comfort or because I'm lonely, does take away some of the pleasure of eating. I realized Thanksgiving dinner was nothing but relishing in the love I felt from my in laws, it was eaten with pleasure and a full and thankful heart. It was eaten, knowing it was also nourishing me. It was perfect! It was as it should be. Since then it has been a much bigger struggle. The contrast has been good to see.
I feel again like I am just rambling about my relationship with food. As some put on facebook.... In a relationship and it is complicated! That is a perfect way to describe me and food.
There is no question, this has been a difficult Thanksgiving. As much as I have enjoyed my girls, being away from Chris makes me very sad! I would add the kids in that too... however as much as I miss having them all in the house for Thanksgiving, If they need to be other places, I think I am alright with that! Chris and I are a family! Together, with or without the kids, we are a family! I will LOVE LOVE LOVE every-time we are all together kids and all, but as long as Chris and I are together... and our kids are safe...all is well!
I think tonight I am a little sad. Friday night, holiday weekend.... scattered...So I ate way to much and food that just comforted me. It is embarrassing writing this but true. Perhaps just realizing it and not just eating and eating and eating, while telling myself a whole lot of (C) is something.
If I am brutally honest, I feel like I have failed. I say I think it is better to acknowledge the reasons, but I have simply been unwilling over and over to trust those moments to God. I have been unwilling to trust in His comfort. It makes me sad, profoundly sad. I can only imagine how it must be for him, when He knows His way will work so much better than rice and raisins. His way will be real comfort. Why can I know it and not do it?!?
Tonight, I am saying, I'm sorry to Him. Sorry, I have yet to really trust Him. Tonight I am going to thank Him for his patience and love.
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