This day started with Chris and I going out to a wonderful breakfast together. We dined together. Sipped our coffee slowly, enjoyed the food, delighted in each other and dreaded saying good-by. At one point while we were sitting together, he was looking at me with that wonderful twinkle in his eyes, that look which says so much. I realized I was uncomfortable having him look at me that way. I felt like a 17 year old girl, amazed this wonderful guy was looking at me in a way which said, he was enjoying what he was looking at. I told Chris what I was feeling and he laughed and said, "you know what I am going to say...Put IT down!" I set aside the feelings and looked at him instead as the marvelous gift he is! It was hard, I felt vulnerable, having him look at me that way. I wanted to revert and wrap up in my comfortable blanket of self loathing. Instead, I just looked back and studied him, as if looking at the contents of a wonderful new gift I had just unwrapped.
About an hour later I was having a great conversation with my brother Jon, and when I shared the story, he mentioned that unworthiness is the basis for all love relationships. (or something like that) It made me stop and think. Long after our conversation I continued to try to figure out exactly why what I normally feel when Chris is admiring me didn't seem right, but Jon's statement did. Here is what I decided is the difference.
When I am given any gift, for Christmas, or birthdays, or any occasion I don't deserve them. After all deserving a gift makes it payment, not a gift at all. Chris's love for me is such a gift, that twinkle in his eye, that admiration is a gift, NO QUESTION! I don't deserve it! However when given gifts, if I said to the giver, "Oh thank you, but I don't deserve this, I am too gross to accept it (push it away). Why would you want to give it to me, I am nothing, no I can't take it". Where does that leave the giver and the receiver? As Chris said to me today, "If you don't put down the (C) then you can't fully accept my love". I can understand that his love is a wonderful gift, not payment, while still stretching out my arms and actually accepting the gift! Shame, may be a part of the equation for pushing away the gift. I will never say, "I deserve Chris and his love", but I do hope one day to feel comfortable with that intensely intimate stare he can give me. Willing to accept the gift and appreciate it's magnitude. The absence of shame and self loathing is not pride or self worship. The absence of shame and self loathing is not a haughty spirit. It IS a sweet spot where you are still in awe of the gift, delighted in the giver, the focus is on them and what they have given not me!
No comments:
Post a Comment