So today Chris and I invited our pastor and his wife over for lunch after church. As always I was a little behind getting everything done, or perfect the way I always want it will be. This morning I had a choice, finish up little things that needed to be done, or do my hair and make up. Now traditionally I would not take the time for myself. I would jump in the car with wet hair (using my curls as an excuse) grabbing my make up bag on the way out the door. Make up would get put on at stop lights or in the church parking lot. I would choose my clothes by what was clean and easy to put on. Today I choose differently, decided my house could just be as is, and I would take time to be feminine, take time and stop pushing my womanhood to the back ground. As I write this I realize this has the potential to sound so narcissistic. This is not about all things being about me. I think it all goes back to needing to have perfection so since I don't think that is possible, I just don't try. I have spent my whole life really believing I am not elegant, beautiful, feminine, or cute. So I do better just not trying. It is better to just be what I "know" I am than to try to be something and fail. I realize, that beauty of character, is most important, however ignoring the outside.... what am I doing.... honestly I'm trying to convince you that it is OK that I wanted, or needed to spend time this morning getting ready.... seriously am I that pathetic. There is nothing wrong with caring for my external being. Even needing to explain that shows how far I still have to go...
So long story short, I spent time, got dressed well, and then went to church. As Chris came and sat down beside me after playing bass, he said, "You look really nice". Nice bonus! I felt like a lady. I am a lady! :)
We had a wonderful dinner with our pastor and his wife and when I wanted to make comments or jokes making myself the butt, or making funny comments about my inadequacies, I stopped. I refrained. It was good. Certainly an improvement.
So the sermon the pastor preached today was once again really great! He was talking about developing a deep relationship with Christ. There was so much good but at one point he was talking about relationships and how intimate relationships require two people being willing to be open and share. That is one thing about this blogging that has been difficult. For those of you who are following, you know very intimate things about me. You know what my struggles are and what some of my victories are. Yet unless we get a chance to be together I know nothing of what is happening with you. At times when I haven't seen you for a while and then I see you and you make a comment about something in this blog, it is at that moment, I feel a little naked. OK not a little... I feel like you are fully clothed and I am stark raving naked. I don't think I should stop blogging, and I certainly don't want you to stop commenting on my blog, I just need to find some time to communicate with you and find out how you are all doing. It is important in my close relationships to know how you are doing and if you have been invited to read this blog then I feel safe with you, and I would love to know how you are REALLY doing! So if you are reading this I would like to spend some time with you! Let's set a date!
I had a wonderful time preparing food for today and sharing love with food!
I spent time honoring the femininity that God created in me by taking time to dress!
I refrained from cutting myself down!
I realized I want to spend time with YOU!
It has been a blessed Sabbath day!
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