Sixty days is so hard to believe. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. That is a really long time!!!!! I'm most excited about the fact that I seem to be seeing some benefit from living without the (C). Today frankly was just a delightful day filled with lots of blessings. I was able to start the day cooking for Anna and her friend. Chris and I in the kitchen cooking roll-ups is just sheer joy. He always makes the hash browns and I make the roll ups. We work well together, enjoy flirting, talking and then without fail our children are so excited to come into the kitchen and eat the results. That was a great moment.
The best moment, the happiest moment today was when, Chris took my face in his hands and looked at me with sheer delight in his eyes, and then after what seemed like a long time said some very sweet things about my beauty and his love for me. Beside the obvious, the reason this was by far the happiest moment of the day for me was while he was looking at me, with those loving eyes sparkling, I just soaked it in. I just enjoyed his gaze, and thought about how dear this man was to me. What was remarkable about that was I didn't feel uncomfortable, or insecure. I didn't immediately start thinking about (C), but about love.
I am so incredibly blessed that I am married to a man who has loved me so well. He is kind, accepting of who I am, (no it is more than accepting, he has admired who I am) and yet my insecurities, my own (C) has so kept me from fully accepting him. This entire weekend we were able to relish in each other. Today, my happiest moment was when I was able to receive his gaze of love the way it was intended.
The incredible thing is this. I know I serve a Savior friend who gazes at me with more love than Chris will ever be capable of giving. God loves me and adores me. As special as it was for me to let go of all the (C) and be able to see and accept Chris's love in a new way, how much more special will it be when I can see and experience the loving gaze of my Savior. Chris has been loving this process. He says it is fun watching the change and being able to look at me lovingly without me shooting him down or not even noticing because I am too caught up in my negative feelings about self. I can only imagine how sad it makes my creator to see me unable to fully accept and grasp His love for me because of a pack of lies. Oh how it must hurt him for lies or (C) to be standing in the way of me understanding and feeling His love for me.
Tonight, I am praying for a more intimate and real understanding of my Saviors love. I am praying I will with His help, set the (C) down and be willing to accept His gaze of love. To see the twinkle in His eyes, and believe what I am seeing.
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