I have not been able to stop thinking about my post and all things related the entire day. I had the most wonderful time with Beth at breakfast! It was perfect!!! We enjoyed delicious whole, organic, and amazingly beautiful food, comforting and connecting conversation and laughter as a bonus! It was such a great blessing. I'm not sure I would have made it through this day without the blessing of her friendship. It was the perfect way to start my day!
I was still very emotional. Just thinking about my post made me tear up every time, during and after breakfast. Then after breakfast, I worked hard to get things done at work. No matter how much I tried to just think about work, this issue with food kept consuming my thoughts, and prayers. Then it was like being kicked while down, finding out I had made a mistake on the Christmas Cards going out to all parents today. There was so much around that situation that just kept tearing me down. This time I was trying not to assume the worst, and to look at the truth without taking on unnecessary crap. However, it just kept getting worse. I am not going to go into detail, I don't want anyone to feel bad and I don't want to speak badly of others. Lets just say from my vantage point, it felt like I kept getting kicked in the gut. It was very hard not to take on (C).
I left the office, and headed out to run the last of the errands, when I received a wonderful text from Maria. Thanks, so much. I couldn't text back because I was driving, and crying again. Her text gave me a sense of focus and reminded me this IS important. It seems so silly, this is such a huge thing for me. Tonight at dinner with the love of my life, I had a hard time telling Chris about how I was feeling without crying AGAIN.
I told him, I feel very naked. This whole process of blogging has been quite intense and food has soothed me and comforted me. The thoughts of giving up that comfort has been very emotional. I have wanted to cry and scream at God and say, "Are you kidding me" "Thanksgiving week... after everything I have been through, and everything I have been working on, now, THIS week I have to deal with food!" It just seems like more than I can bear, and what timing!
All day I kept thinking about an email Carolyn sent in response to Friday nights post. She said she liked the phrase, "safe place to free fall". I know she was supposed to highlight the phrase so I would think of it today! I just kept thinking if I can feel like free falling is safe with Chris how much more should I be willing to free fall with Christ! I know he will not only catch me but help me fly! I know it I believe it, the question is am I brave enough to jump!
Just writing this I have a lump in my throat. I'm terrified. Terrified of facing this head on. Terrified to let you all in on the really ugly. Terrified. I know as hard as starting dance class was, I know as hard as it was to twirl while my picture was taken, it is nothing compared to the piles and piles of (C) I have snuggled up with for so many years, associated with the issue of food. I don't begin to understand how it is intertwined into my life but I know it is going to be painful! I also know it will be freeing and transforming when I put it down!
I am not going to begin to tell you how I think this process is going to go. I have no idea. So this terrifying jump.... I'm not even sure what it is. I knew to dance I needed to start dancing...etc. But with this. I don't know. Today, I ate well and when I have been wanting to eat I have simply asked myself why. Why? I had two meals today, the delicious breakfast with Beth and then dinner at Red Robin with Chris. They were two perfect meals, food was delicious and the company was uplifting. I also have refused to mask my feelings with carbs but have just cried and cried and cried. Can I say the emotion has nothing to do with hormonal shifts. It is not that time...:) (Sorry if that is TMI) Tonight I have wanted to eat banana bread, but when I asked myself the question why it was because it would mask the hurt or fear or whatever it is I am feeling. Had water instead.
Tonight, though it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat, I am going to be willing to think about jumping. I am going to be willing to stand in line at the roller coaster and see if when I get to the gate I am still willing. I realize, I have a long way to go. Tonight I only have the courage to ask for God to give me the willingness and the strength to take this one step at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment