So last night I wanted to write about my crippling fear, that to have a good photo shoot I would need to move, dance, or even twirl around with my arms in the air. I know one of the reasons I was so fearful was I wanted that kind of photo shoot. I wanted to move and NOT be posed. But to just "be natural and move" is terrifying for me. TERRIFYING! Add all the insecurities and this was disaster waiting to happen.
This morning I had nothing to do but get ready for the shoot and then drive to Pisgah and be there by 4. I decided to straighten my hair some so that it could blow and be free. (At least my hair likes to move!) Then the lovely job of deciding what to wear. I decided on (bet you would never guess....) red. Not the color I would recommend but I needed the strength today. I needed the comfort of my favorite color. Then the long 2 1/2 hours to Pisgah. I tried the whole way not to think about the shoot but that is all I could think about. I literally kept telling myself to twirl, to move, to flip my hair, to do whatever, and it would not kill me. To have bad pictures wouldn't be the end of the world either. I finally decided this would be more about the experience then the pictures. I was going to be willing to do whatever Tonya asked, even if I had to twirl.
Tonya came and we started out trying to find a spot. We decided on a hill behind staff houses. About the third shot and she was asking me to walk. Just walking was hard. Then about 10 minutes into the shoot, she asked me to be like Maria from the sound of music, put my arms up and twirl around looking up! REALLY! It was almost as God knowing my fears decided to ask me to do the vary thing that I was terrified to do. So I did, and I didn't die.
What on earth is happening to me! I mean lets look at this. I have started Ballet classes, I have ballet shoes and dance clothes. I am twirling on hills while someone takes pictures of me! I am shocked!!!! Stunned. It is almost as if I am looking down at me, and I'm not recognizing me. In contemplating it all this evening I was in Beth's office. She asked me to sit at her computer, she gave me a box of kleenex and asked me to watch a video.
I will post it here, but let me just say. I am trying so hard to find that first little girl in me. I cried, for many reasons but mostly for the loss I felt. The loss, knowing the little girl, is gone, and she never had the opportunity to be that free little girl. Now this 42 year old, is just trying to let go of the chains that bound the little girl and at least be free now. http://youtu.be/jfuBL5M_Dx0
So after all this, George Grow, (a retired teacher whose wife has been battling cancer) came to staff meeting to share with us a little about what they have been going through. I cried again, listening to all they have been going through. I started feeling like perhaps all this, even this blogging, isn't really that important. When all is said and done, who cares if I can't dance? Who cares if I wasn't free as a child or free now to move? Who cares if it is hard for me to have my picture taken? I have at other times questioned if this whole process is narcissistic. Is this just all about me? Is this just a waste of time? Is this too focused on me and on (C)?
So tonight, here at my grandparents, writing I have been asking myself a lot of questions. Here is my answer. This blog is narcissistic, because it is a journal about a year long journey that I am taking. My life is not all about me! Is it important for me to learn to be free? If God is taking me on this journey, if it is Him guiding and directing than for some reason, it is. Today each and everyone of us had to deal with some kind of challenge, mine just happened to be twirling. I don't understand this journey yet, and maybe I never will, but I can tell you this, I will stop tomorrow if I think God wants me to. I know he led me in the process to start and I know he is fully capable of letting me know if I am supposed to stop. Until then, learning to twirl was important, for some unknown reason, but it was important, and today on the side of a hill I twirled and twirled, and someone took pictures of me doing it. (I will post pictures, when I get them!)
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