Day 47

So last nights post was posted this morning because our internet was down last night. Today I have struggled all day with tomorrows photo session.  I just dread it more than I can say.  Then tonight after 5 (DR. office closed) I started getting a fever blister and I'm out of the medicine needed to get rid of it.  So on top of all the things I am insecure about I will also have a fever blister.  I just can't believe it.   I mean really, did I need anything else to make this event more awkward? If I'm brutally honest, I in-vision myself as looking better than I do, skinnier, taller, younger, just all around better. Pictures have a way of destroying the illusion or dream.

I realize beauty comes from within, from life which is a gift from God.  I know my dissatisfaction is ridiculous! If I were to talk to myself, I would say God created me, I need to be happy being me. It seems simple and yet for some reason this has been a problem my whole life.  I remember my sophomore year in high school, crying before a family picture.  Everyone in my family were so beautiful, handsome, I felt out of place.  I remember thinking if I didn't know better I would think I was a adopted.  I realize this is a lot of (C) but it is (C) I have had around me for a very long time.  I can't remember a time when I was happy with my physical appearance.

I am going to do my best to talk to myself the way I talk to others.  I am going to do my best to let go of the (C) and enjoy tomorrow, but I am telling you,  the thought of having my picture taken makes me feel panicked.  It is going to take really surrendering it to God.  It is going to take His strength to make it happen because I don't have the strength.  I can't believe I am saying this but this is right up there with dancing! Maybe even a bigger mess. This is a mess that I remember way back before the age of 7.  That is a long time to hold onto (C), that is a lot of years to think one way and changing won't be easy.  I know that if God wants to he could just take it all away, but I also know he sometimes wants us to go through the process of changing the habit patterns we have developed in our brains and that takes practice and time. 

Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so.... :)