Good morning! I didn't get the post made last night, because I was working on a sermon for today. It is at my home church and only needs to be 10 min. long. That should make it easy. But for some reason it has been hard preparing. I just can't seem to get the outline straight. It has just been a struggle. I have prayed about it, asked for clarity, asked for a quick and concise way to share this journey of letting go of the crap without every having to say crap and it has just not come to me.
My house is full of guests, which is a blessing and giving so much joy! We are looking forward to a wonderful party tonight and my heart is full of joy and anticipation. Yet when I think about these 10 min. I am not at peace. I know I just need to surrender it. I know I just need to let him speak.... I am praying this will be the Lords 10 minutes and I am praying he will give me the wisdom to know how best to share my story.
Thanks for your prayers!
Happy Sabbath!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
97- Making a Difference
Just noticed yesterdays post.... what is with the title, (be, be) who knows what I was thinking!
So today I came home after a very tiring and frustrating day, feeling sick to my stomach and all around exhausted, and there were dishes that needed washing. With Andrew and friends just minutes away, I decided there was no better time than the present to get the dishes done. I headed into the kitchen and got to work. Minutes later Chris came in the kitchen and started drying and putting away dishes. We started talking about our day and it just seemed normal. Then about half way through the process, I realized I had not even considered telling him to leave and let me do it. I had not even thought about insisting he leave and stop working. I hadn't even thought about how nice it was to have him help, it was just normal. At that moment, I told him I that I had not expected him to help. He said he knew that but he wanted to.
I realize this seems like such a nothing event but it was huge, huge, huge for me. In 22 years I have never been able to have Chris come and join me in working without me insisting that he doesn't need to help, I don't want him to help, etc. The reason is all the (C) I assume he is thinking, all the (C) I am feeling about the fact that it even needs to be done. Today there was nothing. No crap at all!
Unless it is not clear this is what I normally would have been thinking..... 97 days ago if Chris had come into the kitchen and I was doing dishes I would have thought....
* He is discussted with me because I am a slob.
*I should have had this done earlier.
*I am lazy and he is always doing everything
*He is resenting having to help me.
*He thinks if he doesn't help me that I won't get it done, because I never follow through.
Today, nothing!!!! I just enjoyed not only the company, but the help. It used to be I was thrilled if he would sit in the kitchen and talk with me. We were done in a matter of minutes and the kids arrived. We headed out the door to take them to pizza and once again NO (C)! I would normally feel bad that I had not planned better and had things prepared so that we could eat at home, a more economically smart move! Tonight, I was thankful and accepted his gesture as an expression of his love for me!
I was so encouraged this evening. So thankful for the progress I see! So thankful that this New Years, I may still be fat, I may still have a long way to go before I am a runner, but I have made progress and it is the first time EVER I feel like I can say that! In looking at this year, I know I am making progress and it is making a difference in the quality of my life and those around me.
So today I came home after a very tiring and frustrating day, feeling sick to my stomach and all around exhausted, and there were dishes that needed washing. With Andrew and friends just minutes away, I decided there was no better time than the present to get the dishes done. I headed into the kitchen and got to work. Minutes later Chris came in the kitchen and started drying and putting away dishes. We started talking about our day and it just seemed normal. Then about half way through the process, I realized I had not even considered telling him to leave and let me do it. I had not even thought about insisting he leave and stop working. I hadn't even thought about how nice it was to have him help, it was just normal. At that moment, I told him I that I had not expected him to help. He said he knew that but he wanted to.
I realize this seems like such a nothing event but it was huge, huge, huge for me. In 22 years I have never been able to have Chris come and join me in working without me insisting that he doesn't need to help, I don't want him to help, etc. The reason is all the (C) I assume he is thinking, all the (C) I am feeling about the fact that it even needs to be done. Today there was nothing. No crap at all!
Unless it is not clear this is what I normally would have been thinking..... 97 days ago if Chris had come into the kitchen and I was doing dishes I would have thought....
* He is discussted with me because I am a slob.
*I should have had this done earlier.
*I am lazy and he is always doing everything
*He is resenting having to help me.
*He thinks if he doesn't help me that I won't get it done, because I never follow through.
Today, nothing!!!! I just enjoyed not only the company, but the help. It used to be I was thrilled if he would sit in the kitchen and talk with me. We were done in a matter of minutes and the kids arrived. We headed out the door to take them to pizza and once again NO (C)! I would normally feel bad that I had not planned better and had things prepared so that we could eat at home, a more economically smart move! Tonight, I was thankful and accepted his gesture as an expression of his love for me!
I was so encouraged this evening. So thankful for the progress I see! So thankful that this New Years, I may still be fat, I may still have a long way to go before I am a runner, but I have made progress and it is the first time EVER I feel like I can say that! In looking at this year, I know I am making progress and it is making a difference in the quality of my life and those around me.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
96- Fun to be be admired
This afternoon the girls and I had a few moment to do some shopping to see if we could find something for Anna to wear for the New Years Eve party. After a couple stores we ended up in a store with the intention of looking for one pair of pants for Anna. Let's just say, Chris decided to pick out things for me to try on. As I stepped out of the dressing room to show him how the blouses looked, his eyes said it all. He was trying to critique what he saw but the twinkle in his eye gave him away. He was having great pleasure in what he saw. I was able to fight off the erg to believe the (C) I have for so long! I just looked back at him and thought about how much I love him. How blessed I am to have a man who sees the beauty even when I have been unable to. Tonight here at home while modeling a couple things he didn't see in the store he again seemed so please to be looking at me. I just looked back and enjoyed the twinkle in his eye!
I know that God has a twinkle in his eye when watching us, I know that he loves us and admires his creation. I know that he longs to spend time with us and is looking forward to a time when we are physically with him in heaven. He longs to watch us be free of the shackles this world binds to us. Today and tonight I was far from being free of the shackles or the (C) but I let go I could and pretended the rest! At one point I put on something that I was not comfortable in and Chris didn't get as much pleasure when I was insecure and uncomfortable. The confidence and comfort contributes to the beauty he saw. Or was it less about me being more beautiful because of the confidence and more to do with him wanting me to feel that confidence and comfort, just because he loves me and hopes for me to have more. More freedom.
Regardless tonight I feel loved and admired and I know that what Chris feels for me is just a tiny example of the love God has for me. I know God also wants for me more than anything to accept the freedom he offers if I will but let him work in my life.
I know that God has a twinkle in his eye when watching us, I know that he loves us and admires his creation. I know that he longs to spend time with us and is looking forward to a time when we are physically with him in heaven. He longs to watch us be free of the shackles this world binds to us. Today and tonight I was far from being free of the shackles or the (C) but I let go I could and pretended the rest! At one point I put on something that I was not comfortable in and Chris didn't get as much pleasure when I was insecure and uncomfortable. The confidence and comfort contributes to the beauty he saw. Or was it less about me being more beautiful because of the confidence and more to do with him wanting me to feel that confidence and comfort, just because he loves me and hopes for me to have more. More freedom.
Regardless tonight I feel loved and admired and I know that what Chris feels for me is just a tiny example of the love God has for me. I know God also wants for me more than anything to accept the freedom he offers if I will but let him work in my life.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
95- Home Again Home Again!
Well the family Christmas is over and we are home. I can not tell you how much I worried about so many things. I was worried about making it through this time without being disrespectful of my parents, and yet still stand up for me. I worried about all the childhood crap coming up while around my siblings and my parents, but it was fine. In fact it was wonderful! I felt more free, more true to myself, which made it possible for me to be more thoughtful of others.
One thing I realized is that learning to let go of the (C) in my life has helped me learn to identify the (C) of others as their (C) and therefore not taking it on me. Over and over again this Christmas I would recognize a situation or a comment that would have in the past added (C) to my person, and this year I just saw it for what it was, their (C). I didn't even have to reject it or put it down, it was simply theirs. It made this perhaps the best time I have had with my family in a long time! I enjoyed so much about it! It was a very merry Christmas!
One thing I realized is that learning to let go of the (C) in my life has helped me learn to identify the (C) of others as their (C) and therefore not taking it on me. Over and over again this Christmas I would recognize a situation or a comment that would have in the past added (C) to my person, and this year I just saw it for what it was, their (C). I didn't even have to reject it or put it down, it was simply theirs. It made this perhaps the best time I have had with my family in a long time! I enjoyed so much about it! It was a very merry Christmas!
Day 94- A great moment of Clarity!
Today I awoke to the smell of breakfast being cooked. I got dressed and headed downstairs to help out. There were plenty of people helping out so I went on into the family room and spent time with the kids. Then later on I was summoned to the kitchen. In the kitchen I was asked how I make brown sugar homemade syrup. I told mom that I don't make brown sugar syrup but just a simple syrup with maple flavoring, she actually didn't believe me at first. Then my sister in law shared what she makes, then mom started talking about what she makes, there was stress, debate with an attempt to figure out the perfect syrup. I simply left the room and went into the family room. I sat down next to my dad and had a conversation about what had happened. In that conversation I realized some very important things.
First, for years when the stressful moments like that happen, not bad stress but stressful none the less, I just take it. I hate it, it erodes away at my soul, yet I usually just take it, or get mad. Today, I just walked away.
Second, I realized time that is just freely mine is important. For example, I grew up in a house where when Mom decided that she needed to get things done, it had to be done, right then, and what I was doing or not doing didn't matter, I had to help out that very moment. I realized I need time that is just mine. Time where I am free to do nothing or be productive but where I get to decided. This opened my eyes to issues Chris and I have had. It helped me understand myself so much better and it all happened because I was willing and able to walk away from a stressful situation. It also was possible because I didn't take on (C) like I normally would when in those stressful situations.
I have been amazed at how much better things are getting. I am very encouraged knowing this process is helping me be more mindful, more conscious of what is going on so that I have the ability to deal with it.
First, for years when the stressful moments like that happen, not bad stress but stressful none the less, I just take it. I hate it, it erodes away at my soul, yet I usually just take it, or get mad. Today, I just walked away.
Second, I realized time that is just freely mine is important. For example, I grew up in a house where when Mom decided that she needed to get things done, it had to be done, right then, and what I was doing or not doing didn't matter, I had to help out that very moment. I realized I need time that is just mine. Time where I am free to do nothing or be productive but where I get to decided. This opened my eyes to issues Chris and I have had. It helped me understand myself so much better and it all happened because I was willing and able to walk away from a stressful situation. It also was possible because I didn't take on (C) like I normally would when in those stressful situations.
I have been amazed at how much better things are getting. I am very encouraged knowing this process is helping me be more mindful, more conscious of what is going on so that I have the ability to deal with it.
93- Merry Christmas!!!
This post was written on time, but not posted until today.
Merry Christmas! What a wonderful exhausting day it has been. Eating has been the theme of the day. We started with homemade kuchen and homemade sweet rolls as an appetizer before the real breakfast. Then we had roll ups with hash browns, and before everyone was even done with breakfast, we were starting lunch, with Rubin sandwiches, cake, pumpkin pie, cookies and such. It was a day of gluttony. We skipped the big Christmas dinner since we were all so full and had so much food that needed to be eaten. A great day if you love eating!
The day was also filled with conversation, with just being together. Watching my the little ones interact and play. Sitting around the room at any given time were very little people interacting with their family. It was so much fun to watch the family connecting on a multigenerational way.
We had opened presents on Christmas Eve so today was a day just spent together. It was a day free of most (C). I have been surprised at how much easier it is for me to set it down, to let it go. I have been enjoying the difference. I am much more aware of when it is others (C) and not something I need to take on. It was possibly the most refreshing time at home.
Merry Christmas to all!
Merry Christmas! What a wonderful exhausting day it has been. Eating has been the theme of the day. We started with homemade kuchen and homemade sweet rolls as an appetizer before the real breakfast. Then we had roll ups with hash browns, and before everyone was even done with breakfast, we were starting lunch, with Rubin sandwiches, cake, pumpkin pie, cookies and such. It was a day of gluttony. We skipped the big Christmas dinner since we were all so full and had so much food that needed to be eaten. A great day if you love eating!
The day was also filled with conversation, with just being together. Watching my the little ones interact and play. Sitting around the room at any given time were very little people interacting with their family. It was so much fun to watch the family connecting on a multigenerational way.
We had opened presents on Christmas Eve so today was a day just spent together. It was a day free of most (C). I have been surprised at how much easier it is for me to set it down, to let it go. I have been enjoying the difference. I am much more aware of when it is others (C) and not something I need to take on. It was possibly the most refreshing time at home.
Merry Christmas to all!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
92- Christmas Eve, Sabbath, A Baptism
Today has been a very happy Sabbath! It is wonderful spending time with family, watching my niece be baptized, and then having Christmas with a house full of little kids! What joy. I only had a couple moments where I started to think old patterns of thought, but for the most part I was able to stop and focus on truth, or focus on not taking on others (C) and it went quite well. I have also focused on being proactive in helping out and doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done. That has helped to make the times when I'm not working more restful, and I have very much enjoyed that. I really wish I had gifts for must a couple people but, I can't give to everyone and there is no shame in that.
A real highlight of today was watching my niece being baptized. It was just our family at a local baptist church. We had amazing music, including an original song written by my brother for the occasion, several special musics and just lots of singing. It reminded me watching the actual baptism that baptism is a symbolic event that frankly symbolizes this process. After all I am hoping for a wonderful cleansing, a bath, a shower that rids my life of all the (C) and I want to end in a beautiful white fluffy bath robe. It was a beautiful reminder that this process is not about what I do but about what He does for me. It is about Him giving me the strength and guidance as to what I need to let go of and then He washes me. He helps me to build new pathways, to experience a new life!
As Suzanne came out after the baptism back in her clothes with her dripping wet hair I thought what a beautiful place to be, fresh out of the bath only Christ can provide! I am thankful tonight for the cleansing he is willing to provide! I am so thankful that He is in this with me. That He is willing to wash me, and then I can put on that white as snow robe and live a life without so much (C)!
Merry Christmas Eve!
A real highlight of today was watching my niece being baptized. It was just our family at a local baptist church. We had amazing music, including an original song written by my brother for the occasion, several special musics and just lots of singing. It reminded me watching the actual baptism that baptism is a symbolic event that frankly symbolizes this process. After all I am hoping for a wonderful cleansing, a bath, a shower that rids my life of all the (C) and I want to end in a beautiful white fluffy bath robe. It was a beautiful reminder that this process is not about what I do but about what He does for me. It is about Him giving me the strength and guidance as to what I need to let go of and then He washes me. He helps me to build new pathways, to experience a new life!
As Suzanne came out after the baptism back in her clothes with her dripping wet hair I thought what a beautiful place to be, fresh out of the bath only Christ can provide! I am thankful tonight for the cleansing he is willing to provide! I am so thankful that He is in this with me. That He is willing to wash me, and then I can put on that white as snow robe and live a life without so much (C)!
Merry Christmas Eve!
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