250 is a big number. I'm closing in on the 100 count down. Can't believe it! That is a lot of writing :).
So this is a make up blog for last Thursday...
Today was the day I had to face my fear and admit my failure. I had to talk or message the Editor of the devotional book and let her know it wasn't going to be in. I also had to face my boss and tell him too! Two huge hurdles. Two very uncomfortable moments. I was invited to a coffee shop by my girl, where we could do work on the computer, and get delicious coffee too! I was excited, to spend time with my girl and to be able to blog.... (or so I thought). I also had some labels to make and other work that needed to get done. Off we went. Mr. Anderson was taking the recruiting team out for dinner so I had no responsibilities except to get my work done. We settled down at a wonderful round wooden table in this amazing coffee shop. It was one of those places that just feeds all your senses at once. The tables were rustic and amazing, there was lots of space, the smells were amazing, it was a perfect place to be. Soon after arriving we realized my simple solution to making labels was not going to work. I was devastated. Now I not only had to muster the strength to tell my boss and the editor about the devotional book but I also had to figure out a way to print labels. I almost started crying, I couldn't imagine one more thing going wrong this week. I needed to be proud of something! I needed to feel like I could complete and have something to show for all the hours I work... on and on and on.
There in my despair I started labeling what I could as (C). I literally would picture stinky disgusting crap. This was one of those times when I felt just over whelmed with the stinky stuff so I took some time, closed my eyes and started visualizing the act of putting it down, washing it off. Letting go. I am not a failure if I don't have labels. Stop accepting the crap and ask the Lord to guide and direct. Where do I go from here. What comes next. If I can't print them the way I had planned, then what. About that time I received a call from Rick wanting to make sure we knew we were invited to dinner. I wasn't sure I wanted to go, not sure if I had time, but everyone else seemed interested so we packed up and headed to meet them.
While at the restaurant Rick and I both received texts from the editor wanting to know what was going on. I told Rick and then texted the editor back. We exchanged a few texts over the course of the next hour or so. It was making me sick to my stomach but I kept thinking about leaning on the motorcycle to the right, and I kept just breathing deep and continuing forward. I made it through, although I still felt terrible. Sad really. Sad, I had not been able to get it done, sad, I was disappointing the editor who works so hard to make it happen. Sad, but sad is better than self loathing, self destruction or other piles of crap!
Over all it was a good day. I made those difficult right turns and made it through. Chris helped me buy a printer, (which I have been needing anyway) and by evening we were printing some pretty amazing labels.
I was so thankful for this process today. Thanks to the conscientious efforts to identify and put down the crap I was able to get through a very challenging day.
Today MtC strengthened me. Letting go gave me the strength to make the sharp right hand turn. It gave me the ability to continue on! As I got into bed, I was quite weepy. The tears were, tears of relief and I was so thankful to be crying!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
249- Just a side note....
oops.... I am just writing to let you all know, I have been without internet for over a week. Tonight I started taking the notes I have been writing and putting them into a blog. I will be working on that for the next week or so getting caught up. Sorry they are late!
249- Midweek of Campmeeting
Wednesday of camp meeting, perhaps one of the busiest weeks of the year for me. Today I have sick because after working very hard to make it happen I found out for sure that our devotionals will not be ready in time for camp meeting. It is partially my fault, but mostly not. However I realize the perception by most will be that I should have..... I am working on focusing on doing what He wants and yet today is still a struggle. If it interesting, that yesterday I wrote about focusing on doing just for Him and not doing to cover shame.... etc. Then today I am faced with this! SERIOUSLY!!!!! It has been so bad, I have been sick to my stomach, I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof. So today, I went through my day dreading telling anyone, I don't want to tell Mr. A, because he is so kind to me and I want him to be pleased with what I am doing. He will also most definitely get talked to about what I am not doing.... I hate that! I don't want to tell the woman who edits the devotional, this is her baby and she loves having it at Camp meeting. I dread dread dread having to talk with her. I dread the questions from people who come by the booth and ask for one!!!! ERGGGGG!!!!
So today after working at the booth, dreading dreading dreading everything, I head back to the house around 4pm. There is Chris, he asks how things are going and I share the ugly with him! He hugs me, holds me for just a couple minutes, (I wanted more!), and then he suggests we take a ride. I go get changed, put on my new helmet, and get on his motorcycle. We have the speaker system so we can chat while we ride. We headed to the blue ridge parkway. It was a beautiful day, the mountains we better than post card perfect. We road and talked.
I am a bit fearful of turning to the right. For some reason my view is better over Chris's left shoulder and turning or tipping is fine! However turning or tipping to the right is terrifying. I can't see in front of us, so I see the pavement, passing very fast beneath us and the edge of the grass, which from my angle appears to be where we are going. I a couple times had to close my eyes and even then once I let out a little squeal of fear! As we went along, with each turn I started to trust more. I started to have less fear, less anxiety. As we came down the mountain we drove through Waynesville and stopped for dinner at a Thai Restaurant. The food was amazing and our time together even better.
I learned two things on the ride.
1. Taking time with my husband is the best therapy! I know I was supposed to marry this man. He has a calming affect on me. He knows when I need to get away and I need to be willing to listen to him more often.
2. When things are difficult or make me scared I need to be willing to practice, to just hold on, but do it. Keep trying, keep taking those scary corners and eventually they will be a little less scary and perhaps going through them will be second mature.
I have to face not measuring up to others! I have to have some difficult moments, but I am now going to look at them as turning right on the motorcycle, something I just have to go through. If I do it enough times perhaps it will get easier.
Today living MtC, I am letting go of the fear and I am going to face telling those around me of my failure. I am going to rest in the arms of the man who loves me and who does so even in all my imperfection!
So today after working at the booth, dreading dreading dreading everything, I head back to the house around 4pm. There is Chris, he asks how things are going and I share the ugly with him! He hugs me, holds me for just a couple minutes, (I wanted more!), and then he suggests we take a ride. I go get changed, put on my new helmet, and get on his motorcycle. We have the speaker system so we can chat while we ride. We headed to the blue ridge parkway. It was a beautiful day, the mountains we better than post card perfect. We road and talked.
I am a bit fearful of turning to the right. For some reason my view is better over Chris's left shoulder and turning or tipping is fine! However turning or tipping to the right is terrifying. I can't see in front of us, so I see the pavement, passing very fast beneath us and the edge of the grass, which from my angle appears to be where we are going. I a couple times had to close my eyes and even then once I let out a little squeal of fear! As we went along, with each turn I started to trust more. I started to have less fear, less anxiety. As we came down the mountain we drove through Waynesville and stopped for dinner at a Thai Restaurant. The food was amazing and our time together even better.
I learned two things on the ride.
1. Taking time with my husband is the best therapy! I know I was supposed to marry this man. He has a calming affect on me. He knows when I need to get away and I need to be willing to listen to him more often.
2. When things are difficult or make me scared I need to be willing to practice, to just hold on, but do it. Keep trying, keep taking those scary corners and eventually they will be a little less scary and perhaps going through them will be second mature.
I have to face not measuring up to others! I have to have some difficult moments, but I am now going to look at them as turning right on the motorcycle, something I just have to go through. If I do it enough times perhaps it will get easier.
Today living MtC, I am letting go of the fear and I am going to face telling those around me of my failure. I am going to rest in the arms of the man who loves me and who does so even in all my imperfection!
248- Being and doing for Him (Tues...late no internet for over a week)
This week I am trying to figure out what I am doing and as I have been struggling through what is important, what I must do, what I need to do, what I want to do, I have found I am doing more because of others expectations. The sad part is, going through the past couple days I have come to the conclusion that way too many of the decisions I make, frankly most of what I do, is based on what others expect or others want or others need. Living in my world where selflessness is honored, where selflessness is considered godliness, it is easy to say.... what is wrong with being that way, as long as what others are wanting you to do is good.
I honestly have spent much of my life being taught to live a surrendered life. A life surrendered to God, a life learning to be subject to my husband. Learning to be subject to those in authority, (as long as they didn't ask anything in contrary to God's will), I have spent a life learning how to be submissive to a fault. It is not just about being submissive, it is about being willing to do the Lords will. It is about surrender and submission to Him.
The question I have been asking myself is am I doing it for Him or so that others will be pleased with me. Most of the situations I have been struggling with have nothing to do with surrendering to a God given authority, or a God given mandate. I have been struggling with needing to do what I know to be right and what I know everyone else wants and expects. The first is fine the later is sick!
The last couple days I have found myself disappointing some, and killing myself to make sure others are not disappointed or upset at me, it has been driving me crazy. I know so much of this is because of the (C) called shame! As Brene' Brown writes in her book, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." That is me. I know I am doing and doing and doing and still doing in an effort to be seen as worthy in the eyes of those around me. Worthy of love, worthy of respect. The crazy thing is this. As a person who believes in God, who wants more than anything to serve Him, I know that serving Him will not necessarily bring respect, love and admiration from others. I know that it may do the exact opposite. There may be times that when I am doing just as He desires, and the whole world may disapprove. Yet way to much of the time I am needing those around me to approve! When they don't, when I know someone is going to disapprove.... I am filled with shame, so much so I am physically ill. So, today has been a day of focusing on the question, "Am I doing for Him....or am I trying to avoid others disapproval?" If it is to avoid others disapproval, it is (C)! (C) I am willing to let go of. The fear, the shame, (C).
If He is asking I am willing, and today living MtC I know He is wanting me to work for Him and work not to cover shame. I am worthy of love and belonging!!!!! I am HIS!!!! (belonging) He choose me!!! (loved)!
I honestly have spent much of my life being taught to live a surrendered life. A life surrendered to God, a life learning to be subject to my husband. Learning to be subject to those in authority, (as long as they didn't ask anything in contrary to God's will), I have spent a life learning how to be submissive to a fault. It is not just about being submissive, it is about being willing to do the Lords will. It is about surrender and submission to Him.
The question I have been asking myself is am I doing it for Him or so that others will be pleased with me. Most of the situations I have been struggling with have nothing to do with surrendering to a God given authority, or a God given mandate. I have been struggling with needing to do what I know to be right and what I know everyone else wants and expects. The first is fine the later is sick!
The last couple days I have found myself disappointing some, and killing myself to make sure others are not disappointed or upset at me, it has been driving me crazy. I know so much of this is because of the (C) called shame! As Brene' Brown writes in her book, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." That is me. I know I am doing and doing and doing and still doing in an effort to be seen as worthy in the eyes of those around me. Worthy of love, worthy of respect. The crazy thing is this. As a person who believes in God, who wants more than anything to serve Him, I know that serving Him will not necessarily bring respect, love and admiration from others. I know that it may do the exact opposite. There may be times that when I am doing just as He desires, and the whole world may disapprove. Yet way to much of the time I am needing those around me to approve! When they don't, when I know someone is going to disapprove.... I am filled with shame, so much so I am physically ill. So, today has been a day of focusing on the question, "Am I doing for Him....or am I trying to avoid others disapproval?" If it is to avoid others disapproval, it is (C)! (C) I am willing to let go of. The fear, the shame, (C).
If He is asking I am willing, and today living MtC I know He is wanting me to work for Him and work not to cover shame. I am worthy of love and belonging!!!!! I am HIS!!!! (belonging) He choose me!!! (loved)!
Monday, May 28, 2012
247- Food for soul
For me , food for soul is music! today as I was frantically leaving for campmeeting and one of the most hectic weeks of the year, I was struggling. I felt ashamed of how much I didn't know about the day!!!! And on and on.... ( I'm having to write on my IPad with no key board so this will be short and to the point! As I left the house in a state of crazy I noticed a Facebook notification. It told me I had a post from Kim. She shared a song. I listened to it 3 times before it started to do the work needed for my soul. Then again tonight in a moment of stress an amazing song ministered to my soul. An incredibly important part of living MtC is to feed the soul with music that draws us to the savior! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_l-B4ZhLJ0&sns=em
Enjoy... I hope it blesses you too! Thanks so much to Kim!!!!
246- Living MtC
Wow is the best way to describe today... Sabbaths are always special. Today however was one I will never forget! Today was about really living free! After a wonderful sabbath at church we were home early and free to nap. I love Sabbath afternoon naps. There is something to napping on a day when you have dressed up for church, that is so much more fun than napping say on a sunday when I am still in my pj,s at 2 in the afternoon. There is also something incredibly restful when you don't feel guilty for not getting something done... Anyway I'm sure you get the picture! After an absolutely perfect nap, Chris and I decided to go out on our maiden 2-up..... Or something like that. (I'm far from understanding motorcycleeze). So we took out my brand new helmet and headed out on our first ride.
Now I grew up riding motor cycles. I'm not afraid of them, however I am fully aware of the dangers. We have all heard the stories, many of us have known someone who died riding. You don't have to tell me the stories...I'm aware. I Won't go into all the reasons why Chris got a bike...that is his to tell, however let's just say it had a lot to do with living, really living. So today as I climbed on the back of his bike, I kept thinking about really living and what that means. As I chatted with Chris, going down the road, the wind in my hair....well the part below the helmet, hearing the sound of the motor, I kept fear captive and relished in every moment instead of fear. I was living!
God is love.... Perfect love casts out fear.... So life with love is life without fear.
Friday, May 25, 2012
245- Learning to Ask
I have addressed this topic before, obviously I'm not done with it yet...
In the last couple days I have been facing situations where if I did what was best for the situation or for me I would ask for help, but I HATE asking, or even accepting help!!!!!!!
On Wed. it was letting Andrew and Becca go and do the graduation for me.
Today, well today was even worse. Today, I awoke at 5 a.m. stressing about the fact that I had forgotten to get a check for the recruiting team. Because Monday is a holiday, if I didn't get money in the bank today, I would not have access to funds until Wed. I realize there are many ways to handle this, most of which involve credit cards or using personal funds, however too many times it ends up I don't get the money back as planned and we end up funding the program. To honor my husband, to honor my family, I needed to figure out a way to get the money in the account. So I got up and wrote an email to Kevin (the business manager for the school), and marked it urgent. I was asking if he might be willing to write me a check, and (here is the kicker) deposit it into my bank for me.... before two. It was killing me to ask, I hated every second, but I knew for my family I must!!!!! An hour or three later he sent me a reply which said he did not want to go to the bank for me.
I completely understand, I wouldn't want to either! I'm glad he didn't feel obligated to do it, I was glad he stood up and said no! On the other hand, there was no way I could ask anyone else. It took so much to ask him and look how well that worked out. Then I decided to text Andrew and see if he would be back in town early enough to deposit it for me. Much easier because he is my son! He was not sure when he would be in town but assured me he would call, if they were in town early enough. I was going to leave it at that. Then that nagging little voice, "why don't you try someone else?" I didn't want to. I started arguing with the voice, telling it all the reasons why this was my fault, how I needed to face the consequences. This conversation turned into a prayer/argument. I would say things to God about myself that were shaming, then he would make it so clear what I was doing. The out come was that I needed to accept that- at this moment- I needed help. For whatever the reason, I needed help. So I prayed about it, looked in the phone book on my phone and called a former student, McKennan. I'm honestly not sure why I went to his name except that perhaps God was leading. It was also a little easier because he is my son's room mate in college, you know that almost makes him my son too! So I called, shared my need and I hear him talking to his mother. Great!!! I was hoping to call a college kid, with nothing better to do on a Friday afternoon, (since it is vacation time), than to run around town and make a deposit for me. I didn't want to take up valuable Friday afternoon time from an adult! Again I wanted to minimize my need, tell him not to worry, it wasn't that important, but before I could he assured me they could do it. I had to fight back the tears. What a blessing when someone helps you. What blessing comes when we are willing to be vulnerable enough to ask!!!!!
There is no glory, no strength in being to proud, or to ashamed to ask for help. There is no benefit, to myself or those around me. I am so thankful Kevin said no. If he hadn't I would not have had that conversation with God. I would not have had the struggle that led to the beauty of being vulnerable. In Brene' Browns book she talks a lot about being vulnerable and the strength in that! Today I had to let go of shame, and be willing to put out my need. It wasn't easy but the benefits were great! Kevin did get the checks to McKennan and all were deposited before two so we will have funds tomorrow!
A huge thank you to Kevin, McKennan, Mrs. Cook, and God for taking me through this exercise.
One other huge thing happened today! I bought a motorcycle helmet. Chris has had a bike for several months and I have not yet been riding with him! He just got his permanent license this past week, so he is eager for us to go on a ride together. I needed a helmet. Now, I am not afraid to ride, in fact, I'm excited. I hope one day to have my own bike. I however dreaded going to look for a helmet. Why.... well.....I have always loved making fun of ugly strange people who ride motor cycles. I have made fun of fat couples, of weirdly dressed couples, you know the ones who match each other, then there are the chaps, the helmets with pony tails attached and many many other fun to make fun of people on motorcycles. Well, like everyone else, (I'm sure) I want to be that girl on the commercial who is wearing this amazing Pink and black suit and helmet, driving like a maniac and when she stops she takes off her helmet and her amazing hair falls out, it is glistening in the sun, she is a beauty to behold, a contrast of strength and grace, of toughness and femininity! Oh forget it, she is just hot!!!! Yep that is who I want to be. I dreaded going to the stores today, because I know, with my wildest imagination I can't get there. I have gray hair, am over weight, big chubby cheeks (that are pressed into my eyes in most helmets), yep lets face it.... I'm one of those people I have laughed at!!!!! Yet I want to ride more than I want my (C) to keep me home. So today after making the call for help, (which took a lot out of me), I had to muster the strength, met Chris and we headed to a motorcycle store!
This large and lovely girl, was able to let go of (C) and have fun with her man. I looked at crazy helmets, red helmets, pink helmets, and plain black helmets. We laughed, flirted, and I came away with a white helmet that I plan on "dressing up".
It was a fun day, a day with my man, a day with lots of laughter, a day of letting go, a day of being vulnerable, a day of confessing and wishing I had not made fun of all those people, a day when I made a very important decision......
The back of my helmet will soon say.....
In the last couple days I have been facing situations where if I did what was best for the situation or for me I would ask for help, but I HATE asking, or even accepting help!!!!!!!
On Wed. it was letting Andrew and Becca go and do the graduation for me.
Today, well today was even worse. Today, I awoke at 5 a.m. stressing about the fact that I had forgotten to get a check for the recruiting team. Because Monday is a holiday, if I didn't get money in the bank today, I would not have access to funds until Wed. I realize there are many ways to handle this, most of which involve credit cards or using personal funds, however too many times it ends up I don't get the money back as planned and we end up funding the program. To honor my husband, to honor my family, I needed to figure out a way to get the money in the account. So I got up and wrote an email to Kevin (the business manager for the school), and marked it urgent. I was asking if he might be willing to write me a check, and (here is the kicker) deposit it into my bank for me.... before two. It was killing me to ask, I hated every second, but I knew for my family I must!!!!! An hour or three later he sent me a reply which said he did not want to go to the bank for me.
I completely understand, I wouldn't want to either! I'm glad he didn't feel obligated to do it, I was glad he stood up and said no! On the other hand, there was no way I could ask anyone else. It took so much to ask him and look how well that worked out. Then I decided to text Andrew and see if he would be back in town early enough to deposit it for me. Much easier because he is my son! He was not sure when he would be in town but assured me he would call, if they were in town early enough. I was going to leave it at that. Then that nagging little voice, "why don't you try someone else?" I didn't want to. I started arguing with the voice, telling it all the reasons why this was my fault, how I needed to face the consequences. This conversation turned into a prayer/argument. I would say things to God about myself that were shaming, then he would make it so clear what I was doing. The out come was that I needed to accept that- at this moment- I needed help. For whatever the reason, I needed help. So I prayed about it, looked in the phone book on my phone and called a former student, McKennan. I'm honestly not sure why I went to his name except that perhaps God was leading. It was also a little easier because he is my son's room mate in college, you know that almost makes him my son too! So I called, shared my need and I hear him talking to his mother. Great!!! I was hoping to call a college kid, with nothing better to do on a Friday afternoon, (since it is vacation time), than to run around town and make a deposit for me. I didn't want to take up valuable Friday afternoon time from an adult! Again I wanted to minimize my need, tell him not to worry, it wasn't that important, but before I could he assured me they could do it. I had to fight back the tears. What a blessing when someone helps you. What blessing comes when we are willing to be vulnerable enough to ask!!!!!
There is no glory, no strength in being to proud, or to ashamed to ask for help. There is no benefit, to myself or those around me. I am so thankful Kevin said no. If he hadn't I would not have had that conversation with God. I would not have had the struggle that led to the beauty of being vulnerable. In Brene' Browns book she talks a lot about being vulnerable and the strength in that! Today I had to let go of shame, and be willing to put out my need. It wasn't easy but the benefits were great! Kevin did get the checks to McKennan and all were deposited before two so we will have funds tomorrow!
A huge thank you to Kevin, McKennan, Mrs. Cook, and God for taking me through this exercise.
One other huge thing happened today! I bought a motorcycle helmet. Chris has had a bike for several months and I have not yet been riding with him! He just got his permanent license this past week, so he is eager for us to go on a ride together. I needed a helmet. Now, I am not afraid to ride, in fact, I'm excited. I hope one day to have my own bike. I however dreaded going to look for a helmet. Why.... well.....I have always loved making fun of ugly strange people who ride motor cycles. I have made fun of fat couples, of weirdly dressed couples, you know the ones who match each other, then there are the chaps, the helmets with pony tails attached and many many other fun to make fun of people on motorcycles. Well, like everyone else, (I'm sure) I want to be that girl on the commercial who is wearing this amazing Pink and black suit and helmet, driving like a maniac and when she stops she takes off her helmet and her amazing hair falls out, it is glistening in the sun, she is a beauty to behold, a contrast of strength and grace, of toughness and femininity! Oh forget it, she is just hot!!!! Yep that is who I want to be. I dreaded going to the stores today, because I know, with my wildest imagination I can't get there. I have gray hair, am over weight, big chubby cheeks (that are pressed into my eyes in most helmets), yep lets face it.... I'm one of those people I have laughed at!!!!! Yet I want to ride more than I want my (C) to keep me home. So today after making the call for help, (which took a lot out of me), I had to muster the strength, met Chris and we headed to a motorcycle store!
This large and lovely girl, was able to let go of (C) and have fun with her man. I looked at crazy helmets, red helmets, pink helmets, and plain black helmets. We laughed, flirted, and I came away with a white helmet that I plan on "dressing up".
It was a fun day, a day with my man, a day with lots of laughter, a day of letting go, a day of being vulnerable, a day of confessing and wishing I had not made fun of all those people, a day when I made a very important decision......
The back of my helmet will soon say.....
Living
MtC
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