In the last couple days I have been facing situations where if I did what was best for the situation or for me I would ask for help, but I HATE asking, or even accepting help!!!!!!!
On Wed. it was letting Andrew and Becca go and do the graduation for me.
Today, well today was even worse. Today, I awoke at 5 a.m. stressing about the fact that I had forgotten to get a check for the recruiting team. Because Monday is a holiday, if I didn't get money in the bank today, I would not have access to funds until Wed. I realize there are many ways to handle this, most of which involve credit cards or using personal funds, however too many times it ends up I don't get the money back as planned and we end up funding the program. To honor my husband, to honor my family, I needed to figure out a way to get the money in the account. So I got up and wrote an email to Kevin (the business manager for the school), and marked it urgent. I was asking if he might be willing to write me a check, and (here is the kicker) deposit it into my bank for me.... before two. It was killing me to ask, I hated every second, but I knew for my family I must!!!!! An hour or three later he sent me a reply which said he did not want to go to the bank for me.
I completely understand, I wouldn't want to either! I'm glad he didn't feel obligated to do it, I was glad he stood up and said no! On the other hand, there was no way I could ask anyone else. It took so much to ask him and look how well that worked out. Then I decided to text Andrew and see if he would be back in town early enough to deposit it for me. Much easier because he is my son! He was not sure when he would be in town but assured me he would call, if they were in town early enough. I was going to leave it at that. Then that nagging little voice, "why don't you try someone else?" I didn't want to. I started arguing with the voice, telling it all the reasons why this was my fault, how I needed to face the consequences. This conversation turned into a prayer/argument. I would say things to God about myself that were shaming, then he would make it so clear what I was doing. The out come was that I needed to accept that- at this moment- I needed help. For whatever the reason, I needed help. So I prayed about it, looked in the phone book on my phone and called a former student, McKennan. I'm honestly not sure why I went to his name except that perhaps God was leading. It was also a little easier because he is my son's room mate in college, you know that almost makes him my son too! So I called, shared my need and I hear him talking to his mother. Great!!! I was hoping to call a college kid, with nothing better to do on a Friday afternoon, (since it is vacation time), than to run around town and make a deposit for me. I didn't want to take up valuable Friday afternoon time from an adult! Again I wanted to minimize my need, tell him not to worry, it wasn't that important, but before I could he assured me they could do it. I had to fight back the tears. What a blessing when someone helps you. What blessing comes when we are willing to be vulnerable enough to ask!!!!!
There is no glory, no strength in being to proud, or to ashamed to ask for help. There is no benefit, to myself or those around me. I am so thankful Kevin said no. If he hadn't I would not have had that conversation with God. I would not have had the struggle that led to the beauty of being vulnerable. In Brene' Browns book she talks a lot about being vulnerable and the strength in that! Today I had to let go of shame, and be willing to put out my need. It wasn't easy but the benefits were great! Kevin did get the checks to McKennan and all were deposited before two so we will have funds tomorrow!
A huge thank you to Kevin, McKennan, Mrs. Cook, and God for taking me through this exercise.
One other huge thing happened today! I bought a motorcycle helmet. Chris has had a bike for several months and I have not yet been riding with him! He just got his permanent license this past week, so he is eager for us to go on a ride together. I needed a helmet. Now, I am not afraid to ride, in fact, I'm excited. I hope one day to have my own bike. I however dreaded going to look for a helmet. Why.... well.....I have always loved making fun of ugly strange people who ride motor cycles. I have made fun of fat couples, of weirdly dressed couples, you know the ones who match each other, then there are the chaps, the helmets with pony tails attached and many many other fun to make fun of people on motorcycles. Well, like everyone else, (I'm sure) I want to be that girl on the commercial who is wearing this amazing Pink and black suit and helmet, driving like a maniac and when she stops she takes off her helmet and her amazing hair falls out, it is glistening in the sun, she is a beauty to behold, a contrast of strength and grace, of toughness and femininity! Oh forget it, she is just hot!!!! Yep that is who I want to be. I dreaded going to the stores today, because I know, with my wildest imagination I can't get there. I have gray hair, am over weight, big chubby cheeks (that are pressed into my eyes in most helmets), yep lets face it.... I'm one of those people I have laughed at!!!!! Yet I want to ride more than I want my (C) to keep me home. So today after making the call for help, (which took a lot out of me), I had to muster the strength, met Chris and we headed to a motorcycle store!
This large and lovely girl, was able to let go of (C) and have fun with her man. I looked at crazy helmets, red helmets, pink helmets, and plain black helmets. We laughed, flirted, and I came away with a white helmet that I plan on "dressing up".
It was a fun day, a day with my man, a day with lots of laughter, a day of letting go, a day of being vulnerable, a day of confessing and wishing I had not made fun of all those people, a day when I made a very important decision......
The back of my helmet will soon say.....
Living
MtC
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