For those of you who know me, crying is not exactly a new thing for me. When Chris and I first married the poor guy never had a chance. Every time he was the slightest bit upset about anything, I didn't fight with him, I would just burst into tears. I would assure him to ignore it, but how could he with tears joining snot, a red nose and puffy eyes. So we never had fights. He just did his best to figure out ways to work around conflict because I would cry. I wasn't trying to manipulate the situation, I just couldn't help but cry when ever tension in the room rose.
Most people think of me as the girl who cries every time she preaches. My kids laugh about it, I laugh about it, the church brings me boxes of tissue, and as hard as I try I always seem to at least tear up while speaking.
I cry at commercials, I cry when someone performs something great, like on American Idle or Dancing with the Stars, you know really profound important things like that. When students at Pisgah sing a song, or when the drama team does a great job I cry! I cry I cry I cry!!!!
I have had people ask me why I cry.... I don't know exactly. I have had people tell me I need to figure it out! (Implying I need to get myself fixed!) I will continue to wonder, I will continue to discover, but for now I am going to work on letting go of the (C) associated with my crying!!!!
This evening I received an invitation from my husband to meet him an hour or so from here for dinner tomorrow night! The text he sent with the invitation, made me cry! I was alone in the car and I really cried. I was crying because I so desperately wanted to be with him! I cried because I was happy! I cried because I was lonely! Then I realized I had stopped thinking about the joy, the aloneness, the reason for the tears and I was thinking about how messed up I am. I was thinking about my emotional frailty. I was going toward shame. Then the (C) started. "What is your problem, this is ridiculous, you don't have anything real to cry about! You know people who do! But you Beth, what is your problem? Grow up, start wearing big girl panties, and stop this crying, this.... this... what ever it is!"
A crying shame.... A crying shame.... frankly I have felt shame for crying my whole life. I can't get up in front of a group of people and not feel shame for my emotions. After all a more polished intellectual wouldn't be a cry baby while at the podium!
Today, while driving home after a difficult and very emotional day, I cried for no apparent reason and for many reasons! I cried for my friend, I cried for myself, I cried and cried. I cried and I let myself cry while keeping one window slightly rolled down to throw the (C) out when needed. I cried because I knew for whatever reason I needed too. I cried because, I wanted to cry without the (C).
While talking with a friend this afternoon I reminded us both of the text in Lamentations, the beautiful text in Lamentations that is so full of hope and joy! Yet this text while so beautiful, arguably one of the most beautiful, sits right in the middle of a lot of crying. The entire book is one huge cry fest. and then smack dab in the middle of all this crying is this ray of sunshine, "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
I love that it is in the middle. As I drove and cried, I started reciting texts, favorite texts. Can you imagine what I looked like to the person driving beside me! Crying and talking to myself. :) Yep I'm sure it was quite the site.
Today, I choose to cry, to cry without the shame, to cry without the self loathing, but to let myself just cry!
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