So yesterday one of my many blessings was a conversation with an intelligent woman who inspired me! In our conversation she told me about a woman named Brene' Brown. She told me about a book she has written but also that I can go to You Tube and watch her speak. (You all know that was thrilling for me! I love listening so much more than reading!) This morning after Chris headed out the door to work I decided to spend a moment and try to find her. However true to form, I had not remembered her name, or brought the piece of paper with her name on it. I was certain it was hopeless. The only thing I could remember was she had said it was like "rene with a ?" So I decided to put letters in front of Rene in Google and she what came up. Arene... nothing... Brene... Brene Brown....Sure enough there it was! You Tube video of her speaking.
I listened to a twenty minute long talk...
Vulnerability! I will let you check her out, this is what I want to say...
For the last month this blog has lacked vulnerability. If you have been following me on this journey you know there have been moments of incredible vulnerability. I have always tried, always wanted to be willing to let it all hang out, to share the most painful, the deepest, and the silly things. Yet in the last month, I have been unable or unwilling to be raw and open. I have questioned my self daily, frankly hated the burden of blogging, and contemplated stopping this process. I have chocked it up to being too tired, and I know that has contributed! I know I have been experiencing a level of exhaustion that I have never felt before. I know the tired me is having a very difficult time facing the REAL CRAP.
There is no question in the last month the CRAP has been stuff I don't want to talk about, I don't want to be open about because I can't put it in a box of understanding, and I don't have a solution. I don't know how to bury it (you know the good bury where flowers grow). Some of it I am not willing to share just yet! Some of it I have not wanted to face!
This morning I was reminded how important the act of being vulnerable is! How it is not a weak thing but the gateway to all that is strong and healing. So, I do want to continue this process, I do want to find my way back to a willingness to be vulnerable.
So in a nut shell here is my last month of untidy CRAP!
I have felt at times consumed with doubt, shame, regret over what I said or did not say in Seattle! It has been oppressive at times. I have questioned my preparation, the quality of the content, etc. etc. I have struggled with where does reality meet shame. How do I learn from my mistakes, or my short comings, how do I take what I did, look at it and then see where I can improve and where I can do better, without shame. I am so comfortable in Shame Crap that I have not been able to separate it from evaluation and self critique. I can not seam to be content to not critique. I feel it is important, even necessary for improvement. I know God can use the most broken and imperfect of us and I believe He did use me, but that doesn't mean I should not take the opportunity to learn, to grow etc. Yet every time I try I am over whelmed with shame, to a point, I have to stop and ignore it, put in on a back burner and say, "I'm too tired for this!"
That is one of many..... there is a whole list, and I planned to just list it out, purge so to speak. I have changed my mind. It is too easy, to just list it without explaining and working through it, so I will stop here for now. I have to get on with my day, pack to leave home and head to Pisgah :(
If you are following this process keep me in your prayers please. I don't have time for a full break down, I am fulling in the midst of the most intense time of work, my children and friends are going through major life changes, my husband is under oppressive amounts of stress, and there seems to be no relief in sight.
Like I said, I didn't want to write this because I don't have a neat package to put it in. I don't have a brilliant ending or bow to tie it up in. I will just end by saying this, ignoring it or medicating (with cake), has not been working so, here it all is in all it's ugliness and all I have to say is, "Lord please today take my Crap, bury it! Please! I'm so ready for some beautiful Red Poppies!!!!"
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