Today I faced a choice that was both difficult and easy! Chris had invited me to join him about an hour and a half away in Hickory for dinner at a 5 star little restaurant he had found. His invitation email was sweet and I instantly responded yes. He then told me he would be there around 4. The joy was slightly dulled when I realized the Parent Tribute program was also at 4. Not a big deal if I miss it right? I started convincing myself it was fine if I missed. After all this was not about us staff, but about the families and parents. I am not a full time staff, etc. etc.
Then this morning one of the class sponsors came up and asked me if I was going to be coming to Parent Tribute. She told me it would be so nice for us all to be there because the students were also giving tributes to the staff. ERG!!!!!! Seriously, now it starts eating away at me. Anna, who was beside me, said, "NO mom, you need to go and be with dad!!! You two never get enough time together. GO!!!!" Then the woman at the table, a parent said, "couldn't you call and ask you husband to make the reservation for later, I mean that wouldn't be that big a deal right?"
I bristled, (Inside that is) but enough that I couldn't respond. I was just quiet. I was surprised at my reaction. After all she was right. Logically, it wasn't that big a deal. Or was it? Why did I bristle. Why did it make me so upset that she would make that logical suggestion.
Later at lunch, I told Beth I was struggling with the decision to go and miss staff tributes. She said she understood, but then assured me that in a few months the students wouldn't remember, but Chris and I, this relationship was for keeps. Hmmmm. I liked that view point better.
I realized, the reason I bristled at the mothers suggestion earlier had nothing to do with logic, but heart. I didn't want one more time for school, or work, or these students that I dearly love, to come before my man!!!! I wanted him to be more important! He IS more important. Today I needed!!!!!!! HIM!!!!!! Today I needed to have a moment. To have some connection. I needed him to know his invitation was more important to me than anything else. So I made the decision to go.
On my way out of town, I get a text from a student in the senior class telling me not to miss Parent Tribute! Are you kidding me. Again, I am flooded with question and guilt. How can I disappoint the student, how can I be doing this?
I said a prayer, asked God to please rule my thoughts, give me peace about the decision. If I needed to turn around, give me strength. If I needed to keep going, give me strength.
I then tried to be very logical, I started weighing the options again, struggling, until at one moment, I saw the students and I saw my husband. It was as clear as day, they were both right there, both wanting me, one was going to be disappointed. The decision was easy!!!!!!
As I drove to Hickory, I just tried to let go of any guilt, or worry. I kept my thoughts on Chris, my love for him, and his love for me. This man has sacrificed so much to let me work where I do. There are so many nights when he is alone, so many mornings when he is alone, so many Sabbaths when he is alone, this afternoon was not going to be one of those times!!!!
I can not describe to you how healing, how needed his hug was as I got out of my car! We walked around the cute little down town for a while, then ate a delicious fancy dinner, drove to a coffee spot, had desert and just talked and talked and talked. We held hands, he smiled at me a lot! We even took a picture!
It was one of those nights we will always remember. I realize how special and rare it is what we have, but I never want to take it for granted! I never want it to be something that takes a back seat to everything else. Frankly choosing him was very important to me. I needed to choose HIM!!!!!!! I needed to drive away from these amazing students for a moment, and choose this remarkable man, who cherishes my heart and delights in my joys. I really believed this afternoon I was choosing him because it was important to him, but I was so wrong. (Don't get me wrong... He needed me :)). It was more important for me to choose HIM!!!
Tonight as we drove away, me in the car headed for the mountains, and he on his motor cycle headed for home, I was filled, refreshed and sad all at the same time! Not long after we split, I saw motor cycle lights coming up behind me. For a moment I hoped, I wondered if perhaps he had decided to drive to the mountains with me. I slowed my pace so the motor cycle could catch me. I laughed out loud at myself. How crazy an idea. It was almost sundown, so all I could see was a silhouette of the bike, then I noticed it was one of those bikes where the guys legs our straight out wide, I knew it wasn't him. I stopped looking behind, and there in front of me was the most beautiful sunset! Now God loves to show me his love in the sky. Over and over again throughout my life, the sky has been God's love letter to me. Tonight was one of those amazing moments.
As I turned from looking at the biker, I literally said out loud, "Good, now you can stop looking behind you and focus where you should," that is the moment I saw the sunset. The sentence ended... "on you Lord!" I then spent time singing, praying, crying for joy, laughing, praying for Chris's protection, and expressing gratitude to God.
Three things I learned today.
First, we can not choose to be two places at one time. We can't have our loyalties in two places. We can't have our focus in two places. We serve a jealous God, he wants our everything! We have to choose. It should be that way!
Second, yes Christ wants our love, and attention. He wants a relationship with us but we are the ones who desperately need to choose him. He invites us and yearns for us, but we are filled, we are blessed when we choose HIM!!!
Third, we need to not wish for what we don't have as much as we just need to keep looking forward to Christ. I need to stop looking at the shadows behind me, and keep my eyes looking forward and up! He is and always must be my everything!
Today living MtC, meant making a choice, even disappointing someone or even many, most likely being misunderstood, yet being willing to do the right thing and make a choice! Today reminded me of the amazing importance of connection. Connection to God, and connection to others. Today, I held my husbands hand, listened to him, smiled at him and clung to him, today we connected and tonight I am better for it! Today, I talked with God, He sent me a love note (the sky), I delighted in Him and he in me! Tonight I am so much better for it!!!!!
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