Day 74- Beauty... (posted a day late...computer issues)

This morning Chris mentioned after reading my post that sometimes he doesn't think my post matches my emotions.  Yesterday, was a difficult day. I knew Monday I would be leaving to go up to Pisgah and would be gone until Sunday.  The thought of being apart for a whole week put me in a real funk.  Chris's observation was that this work of identifying the (C) is a somewhat negative process, and I am not someone who likes dwelling on the negative.  I know I have blogged about that concept and He is right.  I have a hard time spending too much time in the negative,  however I also find myself there more than I should.  Sunday was a very difficult day for me knowing I was going to have to leave, but I also was very weighed down with this whole idea that celebrating is somehow selfish and bad.  I think the (C) is this... I am a fluff person, a Pollyanna, a head in the sand person, a frivolous without depth, someone who doesn't pay attention to details...etc..etc.  It is (C) but I hear it daily, I feel it way too much.  With Christmas, or any other time, I hear the sober minded individuals who are always trying to get you back to THEIR reality of negativity.  When eating a grand meal you need to remember the starving in Ethiopia etc.  It seriously goes through my mind.  When decorating for a party... imagine if all the money went to charity what good could be done.... and on and on. 

I am tired of the internal fight going on, the (C) I listen too every time I start to celebrate.  Honestly part of my mood was realizing how significant the struggle is for me. When writing yesterdays post I just couldn't spend to much time on all this (C) because I needed a refresher!  Chris was right, I needed to spend time basking in truth and even taking the time to write the (C) was more than I could bear.

Another concept that I touched on yesterday was that of the beauty surrounding the holidays.  On thanksgiving day, at my mother in laws house, Anna was so excited to show us a dress she had bought.  It is not a fancy dress but an evening dress.  It is certainly too formal to wear to church.  She bought it on her own and felt so good in this body hugging black evening dress.  She found it cheap and just loved it!  After our dinner with my in laws she headed to the room to change.  She came out twirling, dancing (the way a little girl would) and just beaming from ear to ear.  We all told her how great she looked and talked about her shoe options etc.   Then something was said about not knowing when she would be able to wear it... she without hesitation said, "Well if I can't find a reason to wear it, Daddy will have to make a reason for me to wear it!"  It was beautiful! Her confidence, her willingness to express her need to dress up.  If you have read Captivating, he writes a lot about a woman's need to dress up, to feel beautiful etc.  For me personally, I have never felt free to need those opportunities.  I frankly have not honored my daughters needs to be dressed up the way I should.  So this morning as Chris and I were lying in bed, talking about yesterdays blog, I told him how important that dressing up thing is to the feminine part of me.  The part that I have pushed down and ignored for so long.  So we are going to as a family find a time when Anna can wear her little black dress and I can break out the little black dress in my closet! I don't know when or how yet but it will happen.  Who knows you might get an invite to a "wear all your sparkle party".  After all men have football almost every Sunday (or some kind of sport to watch every week...we woman should have at least one time a year to dress fancy!)

In writing this I am constantly thinking of people like my mother who frankly feel more comfortable when in linen and plaid, or wool with a touch of silk and dressing up is not her idea of a good time.  That is fine too! I am not saying EVERYONE should dress up or have the desire, but there is nothing... NOTHING wrong with wanting to have the opportunity to dress up.  Last night was the banquet here at Pisgah and today it is so much fun to see all the pictures of the girls dressed up and fancy.  They have such a good time.  I am just saying there needs to be opportunity for us old people to dress up too!

Alright enough about all that... Tonight I am honoring the feminine side of me, the little girl who desperately wants to dress up, twirl around, and be the beauty.  Tonight I am letting go of the guilt associated with those feelings, and honoring the God given desire to be a woman, a thing of beauty, and I am acknowledging that to be a thing of beauty, to want to be a thing of beauty makes me no less substantive!   

Day 73- Celebrate in a Big way.... Celebrate!

Christmas is a time when we are constantly being reminded of goodwill. You hear about wonderful acts of charity and watch movies about acts of kindness.  It is the one time of year when shelters don't need help, because everyone wants to help.  Goodwill if flowing.  It is also the time of year when rich people give rich gifts to their already spoiled children and loved ones.  It is when so many of us work so hard to try to find something to give people who NEED nothing.  People spend money they don't have.  It is the time of year when those depressed become more depressed, when drinkers drink more and most people put on at least 5 pounds they don't need. It seems to be a season of great contradictions... Gluttony and charity in tandem.

I think the conflict of gluttony and charity has for many years created cognitive dissonance. A discomfort that I have not known what to do with.  Some decide they just won't celebrate Christmas at all, some just make sure they have a balance of both gluttony and charity, just enough of each to justify both. I have done some of that. Give away enough, help those in need etc and then sit back and enjoy the riches of the season.

This year I have been contemplating trying to have some peace from the dissonance that plagues me.  Our tree is trimmed (or up and decorated).  We have started the process of adding sparkle to the rest of the house and finding gifts to wrap and put under the tree. We are looking forward to time with friends and family, and I am already working on menu planning.

So what about the charity, what about the service, giving back.  That part hasn't been planned.  Should it be? This weekend I started spending time pondering on the reason for the season.  What is it.  (Easy answer), to celebrate the birth of Christ.  I had to do a children's story on Sabbath and talked about celebrating Christmas and how our heavenly father is in heaven right now preparing a place for us.  Making heaven sparkle with streets of gold and rubies and how there will be a feast prepared for us in heaven.  So should we celebrate or serve?  The only conclusion I have come up with is that we should celebrate and celebrate big! He is planning a celebration, He likes to celebrate why shouldn't we? Perhaps we should celebrate big and in that celebration serve others.  Perhaps it should be about celebrating with those we have been serving all year, instead of running to the shelters for our token once a year visit! If I haven't been serving all year than what?  Why all these questions?

I have always wanted to celebrate big!  Really big!  I want to cook lots of wonderful food and give lots of gifts! I want to sing, play music, watch sappy movies and play games all night!  I want to sit and reconnect with family!  I want to contemplate the incredible gift of Jesus Christ!  I want to celebrate what he means to me!  I want to hear violins, cello, harp and organ.  I want to hear trumpets and bell choirs.  I want to hear little children sing.  Why?  I like celebrating!  I like planning celebrations! I like participating in celebrations and attending celebrations.  I like invitations and an excuse to wear anything that sparkles and red almost everyday! Tonight we watched a Christmas movie and now the Celtic Women are on in all there beautiful glory.  So pretty.  Christmas is a time when parties allow you to dress up and when everything shines and sparkles.

My conclusion is this... I should LIVE a life of service.  I need to serve where I have been called to serve EVERYDAY!!! We have all been called to serve, some the homeless, some the elderly, some the youth, some our neighbors, our fellow church members, and some our own children.  This is a season to remind us of the incredible gift that was given us and to celebrate! To celebrate Him by celebrating together! I don't need to feel guilty for not serving as others have been called to serve. I just need to make sure I am serving as I have been called to do.  I don't need to feel guilty about celebrating.  He is right now preparing a lavish celebration just for me, the least I can do is to celebrate Him!

So this Christmas I am letting go of the cognitive dissonance that finds a way to creep into my head this time of year.  After all, if I am doing what He has asked me to do today, and tomorrow and the day after, that is exactly what I should be doing!  I am also reminded that God gives us desires and gifts and we have all been called to use them.  Well I certainly have the desire and the gift to Celebrate and I plan on using it! I don't exactly know how but I am going to work on celebrating with free abandon! Perhaps it can be a small and very humble preview and reminder of the celebrating we will all be doing around the sea of glass!

So tonight I am going to start planning, preparing and anticipating CELEBRATING!

Day 72- Filled with wonder, Awestruck wonder, At the power of your Name!

Pastor Gary has just completed a wonderful sermon and the praise team gets up to sing.  I am quite sure it will be so so.  Revelation Song is a wonderful song, but I was in the mood for Christmas music, I was so filled by the sermon, so not expecting much.  I stood as asked still pondering several things mentioned in the sermon.  My mind wasn't on the music being played it was still contemplating...then..Idaia Janniere (Didi) started singing.  I was instantly there, the sermon was no longer in my mind, the music grabbed me.  I turned and watched her, listening as she with complete abandon was praising God.  I started to sing, but had to stop, I just needed to listen.  I wish I had a recording because words are terribly inadequate to describe what I was experiencing. Didi has a very beautiful strong voice, perfect pitch, perfect timing and rhythm, but it was more than that.  Didi was singing in such a way that it was clear, she was fully praising, this was about her and her God, this was about letting him have ALL of her praise, not leaving anything behind, not holding on to anything.  It was as if we were experiencing an intimate experience of raw and powerful praise.  She wasn't singing for us, she wasn't singing for the praise team, she was singing for God and only God.  In a matter of seconds I went from all my focus being on the sermon to tears running down my cheeks. Just as I felt when watching the dance recital I was over come with emotion.  I tried to sing again and then just gave up.  I wondered why I was so emotional and then I realized it was the freedom with which she was singing. It was the freedom I so long to have.  The freedom I am striving to achieve. 


I then told myself to stop thinking about the issues and just sing, just praise with the same abandon.  I tried but decided to just listen.  I then tried to stop myself from crying, and just as quick decided that the least I could do was allow myself to show the emotion I was feeling. I decided to just cry and enjoy the music.  Cry and watch this beautiful display of untethered praise. So I stood there, and cried, praised God, listened to the words and worshiped. ..."Holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty who was and is to come. With all creation I sing:  Praise to the King of Kings! You are my everything,   And – I - will - adore You!"

With all creation I will sing, You are my everything.... Wow! Is He that... my everything...am I willing with all creation to sing?  Wow Wow Wow.  I just cried and cried, sang some and experienced one of the most beautiful worship experiences ever!

As she finished singing, Pastor Gary had the benediction, and I just sat down in my seat. 

Today I saw and experienced an example of freely praising God! It moved me and encouraged me to keep going with this process.  To keep moving forward.  Can you imagine the power and the witness it would be if all of us praised with that freedom.  Yes she was singing beautifully, but it I completely believe she could have been off key and time and it would have moved me the same.  It wasn't the perfection, but the focus.  It was the relationship between Didi and her Savior.  It was the freedom, the lack of (C) weighing her down. 

I must say the perfection of her talent was also such a blessing and it would not have been nearly as powerful without the entire team.  Carolyn, Lydia, Chris, Joanne, May, Tyler, and Mark.  They all played and sang beautifully.  The entire set of music was such a blessing. 

Tonight, telling Chris about my experience I cried again. I long for the day when privately or publicly I can praise God freely.  In that praise I also include just living freely.

To the entire praise team and to Didi I thank you so much! What a gift today was.  
Tonight I am .... "filled with wonder, awestruck wonder, at the power of Your name!"

Day 72- Merry Merry Christmas

Tonight as I sit by the fire, with Christmas music, with our tree decorated and festive, I am reminded of how our tree has changed over the years.  When we first married it was covered in bows and silk poinsettias.  Both were cheep and it looked new and up to date (at the time :)). I loved it. I remember sitting in our first apartment, with our red walls, white couch (still crisp and clean)  and with a tree that touched the ceiling.  I had elaborate arrangements all over the house.  It was a wonderful time, but no fireplace, no kids, just Chris and me.  Then came kids. I wanted our tree to be fun and accessible to our kids. I didn't want to tell them not to touch.  I wanted it to be a family tree, I wanted them to play with it, experience it and delight in it.  So we made huge candies with paper bowls and cellophane. We made huge ginger bread men and then put candy canes on the tree.  We strung popcorn and cranberries as the children got old enough to want to help and make things. One year we even had paper chains. Then after a while we ended up not making the huge candies but having a tree covered in homemade ornaments.  Popsicle stick ornaments, clay, paper mache, whatever was being made in school.  I called that the school year tree.  It progressively got older.  We gave the kids ornaments, and they gave us ornaments and so did friends.  As the years went by the tree started looking more and more grown up. Now this year, I decorated the tree by myself, (new for us, it is usually a family affair), and so I decided to just put the ornaments on that I liked, the ornaments that meant a lot to our family and or the pretty ones.  So sitting here, our tree is very different this year, it is beautiful.  It is so grown up.  Amazingly coordinated, delicate, and very breakable! It is probably the most reflective of me (and Chris, that is what he says).   I am enjoying it so much!  I am so thankful I didn't have this tree until now.  I am grateful that my life has been full of trees that reflected our family at each stage.  I am grateful that now our tree reflects us current.  The current us, is not stuck in the past, not wishing for more, but content in who we are right now.

This whole process of trying to live without all the (C) in my life is similar.  After all what I am really trying to do is to let go of the (C) that I have carried around for so long.  It is taking a step toward living current.  Living free of the past, not wishing for the future but living current.  Being content right here and now.

I am thrilled to be where I am 10 weeks into this process.  I have identified lots of (C) in 10 weeks.  I have put down a lot of it, it has become easier to identify, and I have moments where I realize what it is like to live without it.  I also still have (C) that I have been holding onto and cherishing for way to long and I have yet to be willing to fully let it go.  Yet I am closer, closer to letting it go.

Tonight I am thrilled with where my tree is,  content in the knowledge that it has been where it needed to be in the past and that it will become what it needs to be in the future, and tonight it is exactly where it should be.  Tonight I am thrilled to be 10 weeks into this process and happy that the past adds to the richness of who I am, the lessons learned and even the (C) I have carried makes tonight all the sweeter.  Tonight I am happy to be who I am, thankful and at peace with the knowledge that with His help I will become who I need to be in the future, so I can be completely content and relish in who I am in Him tonight!

Happy Sabbath and Happy Holidays!

Day 71- Almost there!

So today driving home from dance class I called and was talking with Chris.  I asked him if he had noticed that I had almost finished decorating the tree.  He said, "Yes how could I miss that".  I then apologized, He asked why I was apologizing. When he said, he couldn't have missed it, the first thing that popped into my head was the mess of all the boxes and packing from the ornaments.  Chris questioned me quite strong, asking me why I would go there instead of thinking he was talking about the well decorated tree.  I know it has a lot to do with feeling very insecure about the messes I seem to have a difficult time getting clean.  If I were to list the biggest issues in my life, the biggest insecurities it is this.... my body and issues with food... dancing....house keeping or the mess making....and not feeling smart.  Tonight when Chris said what he did I instantly saw the boxes and the tissue paper, etc.  not the tree. 

It was interesting to me how quick I went to the insecurity instead of the strength.  I can decorate a tree, I'm great at it.  Yet the mess was the first place I went.  I think I can honestly say I feel as strong about my ability to decorate as I do my inability to clean up messes. Yet the insecurity is where I went first.  ERGGGG!!!! Why?

I am ready to let the positive be front and center and the negative in the back ground!

Day 70- Hello my name is....

If you remember I was impressed when observing a man at Cracker Barrel who introduced himself to the waitress.  Ever since I have wanted to do the same, but over and over I chicken out.  Unable to muster the strength to put myself out there and do the unexpected.  Well I forgot to write about doing just that on Black friday.  The girls and I were eating at Red Robin and I introduced myself to our waitress.  She had said the usual, "Hello my name is...." and then proceeded to ask us if she could bring us something to drink.  I right away said, "Hello my name is Beth"  She lit up! She was all of a sudden present.  It was amazing the difference.  She then started asking us questions about our black friday shopping experience.  It was such a difference. I started thinking about her as a person and not just the conduit to food.  She was an individual.  Part of it was she started acting like a person and not just a scripted machine that brought us the food.  It was remarkable.

I am must be honest, I still have not done it every time since. I think being out with just my girls made me feel more comfortable with being a little crazy.  I'm not sure why it is such a difficult thing for me to do.

Today I tried to spend all day thinking about positive things.  Tried to have positive conversations etc.  All in all it was a good day.  I can't say I succeeded 100% but it was a start and I am grateful tonight for a new focus. 

Tonight I am thankful for the reminder of the importance of putting myself out there and greeting those around me.
Tonight I am thankful for the power thinking on good things has to heal and renew the spirit. 
Tonight I am so thankful for friends.
Tonight I am so thankful for my kids and planning and working on Christmas has been a delight.
Tonight I am so thankful for this process of living free!

Day 69- If there is any good!!!!!

I am so excited to be writing tonight because I have something exciting to write about! I was having lunch with Rick and Beth when I realized something....As we were talking I shared several stories about people that were down right negative.  Perhaps true, but negative.  Two stories that were almost off topic completely, but they were of no value, just sharing negative (C) about others.  That is NOT ME!!!!

I remember when I was a young mom and I realized I was depressed when I kept thinking negative thoughts about others and when I couldn't muster the strength to give people compliments when I was thinking it!  Well today was another... Ahah moment (as Oprah would say)...  Today I realized that recently I have been negative about those around me.  First to Rick and Beth, I am sorry for sharing negativity today!  The lunch was so enjoyable and you were such an encouragement and I love being with you!!!! There was nothing  negative about the entire lunch yet I found negative things to say and I am sorry for that.  Both of you (Rick and Beth) were uplifting and positive and I am so appreciative that you we a contrast to my negativity highlighting what I know I want to be.  Even what I am.  Thank you for so much today!

Here is the deal.  I have always believed that we are called to focus on the positive.  "Whatsoever things are good...if there is any good, think on THESE things."  I know this journey and this process is incredibly important.  I know that I need to go through this process, but I also know the focus has been perhaps a little strong on the (C).  Yes I know I have to find it to correct it or get rid of it, but there needs to be more time spent on the truth, on Christ!  I need a rest from the (C) and focus on the possitive, in myself, and in others. 

So for starters I want to focus on the truth, and I want to find the positive in those around me.  I started my day running, had a wonderful breakfast with my husband, was welcomed back to school, with Beth excited to see me... it is amazing what a wonderful blessing that was in my day!  Reminds me how important it is to share our excitement about seeing each other more often.  Thanks Beth!  Had a wonderful  text from Maria! There is nothing better than knowing people who love you are praying for you! I was able to get a lot accomplished and then have had a wonderful ride with my husband to Raleigh.

Tonight I am reminded that I am worthy, because He has paid the price!
Tonight I am reminded that I am sexy, (bet you weren't expecting that..lol) because I have a husband who finds me that way!
Tonight I am reminded that I can choose to see the blessings and see the good truth in others. I can then share the good news.
Tonight I am reminded that when trying to weed out the (C) in my life I need to make sure and spend more time finding the good!