112- Prayer

Tonight Chris and I hosted a dinner at our home for a group of friends/ or church family members.  It was a time to get together and eat, fellowship and pray for our church.  We had a soup and homemade bread pot luck that turned out very good! The food was delicious but what I want to write about tonight is not the food, or the preparing, but once again the importance of friends and openness. 

Tonight we were asking that this group of individuals pray with us for the next 40 days.  To pray for our church, to pray for our pastor, to pray for our own hearts and attitudes.  In the process of talking about the strong need I see for our church to be open and accepting, I felt impressed to share something that is incredibly difficult for me to share.  In fact it is so difficult it is something that I have yet to feel safe enough or bold enough to share here.  So tonight as I sat on the ottoman in front of the fire sharing, I felt like I was free falling.  Who knows what will happen, what will their reaction be, what will they say?  I wanted to not stop talking so they wouldn't have the opportunity to chime in.  I was terrified.  However I knew two things.  One, I knew it was time to be real, and two I knew on either side of me were people who had my back (so to speak).  Everyone was very nice to me,  and it was wonderful being open!

So here is the deal.  I realized after sharing that there was a lot of (C) associated with being quiet, there is a lot of crap associated with any secret.  Crap about what people would think if they knew.  I can remember when my grandmother would say terrible things about her niece.  She would bash them for being terrible house keepers, no she bashed them for being pigs!  Living like pigs!  Being filthy and fat.  I can remember the first time she openly was talking about them to my mother in front of me.  I was 6 years old and we had been cleaning for what seemed like weeks for her arrival.  I remember feeling shame.  I remember hoping she would never find out that the clean house she was visiting was not the house we usually lived in.  After all to get it to look this way we had been working for ever!  My room was normally a mess.  I found myself identifying with my grandmothers niece and taking on the (C) she was spewing.   I remember thinking at 6 years of age, how important it is to keep the "dirty" us a secret! Don't let anyone see it because if they do see it they will think you are a pig.  I have spent a lifetime of hiding the "dirty".  Anything that I think is going to be unacceptable to others and sadly I am still doing it! 

Tonight, I was reminded and convinced that letting others in, turns on the light and makes the issue have less power.  Obviously I don't know what people are going to do with the information they heard tonight, but I am trying to just let it go and believe that if God impressed me to tell then he has got it under control.  I may feel some what more vulnerable, but I certainly feel more free.

Tonight was not about telling our "dirt" it was about coming together and praying and I am so thankful for prayer. It is only through the power of Jesus Christ and prayer that makes it possible for the dirt to be cleaned out of the darkest corners of my life.  It is only because of prayer that I can free fall and still feel safe.

Tonight I am letting go of the (C) that told me I need to keep the "dirt" secret.  That I can only share the "clean" me. 

111 - Fun Number

Tonight is one of those nights when I could write for ever, so I want to write nothing at all.  There is so much I could right about.... the continued importance I am discovering, in having meaningful relationships.... the struggle I keep having to keep this real and not worry about what people are thinking.....the struggle to get things accomplished.....insecurities in doing music.....longing for heaven..... so happy to be content to listen and watch instead of read....Dance to or not to do.... home again, it is where I should be.. rainbows.....

All of these have filled my mind and begged to be blogged about and yet I am not sure I have the energy to blog about any of them.  I am home it is late and all I want to do is climb into bed next to my husband and have him hold me. I think I may be having one of those menopausal moments when I am just tired, moody, and wanting nothing more than to be held.  Perhaps it is that the list above is so long and most are quite deep, which means this mind has been working over time today on deep and important issues. 

Since this is supposed to be about living minus the (C), I am going to do a little exercise to help me put down some of it.  This will be a short exercise in proclaiming the joys of the last couple days. To take a moment and see the beauty that is around me. The most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen.....

Friends.... my God children.....my husband....thinking about the possibility of working with Becca....a great sermon to start the day....delicious food.....my grandmothers recovery.....safe travels...... cheep gas.....a fire in the fire place....prayer....a kiss....plans.

There is so much more but for tonight I am counting these blessings and praising God for what he has done for me.  Not because I feel all joy filled, but because I don't! 

110- Question

So tonight finds me with a question.  The question is about my dance class.  I love it!  I know I need it!  I just have a very hard time making it!  I have been working on my schedule from now until summer and it will be very difficult to make dance class!  This week I have been questioning whether or not I should continue.  I am trying to not let (C) creep into this decision making question.  How can the thing I knew was so important for me to do, be so impossible to do?  Is it lack of commitment?  Is it being sensible and deciding I can't do it all?  Is it that I am not comfortable enough that I am finding any excuse to not go?  Is it that I need to breath and taking one thing off my plate would help? 

So many questions so little time!  It is at times like this that I know how much easier it would be to make decisions if I didn't have to identify and wade through crap! Just one more reason to let it go.

Tonight I have to say I am left with nothing.  I know the dance class, though hard to go to, is good for me in many ways.  When I go I feel good about doing something that is physical, good for me and good for this process of emotional healing and growth.  On the other hand just getting myself there is creating anxiety. The anxiety comes from just feeling like it is one more thing I have to do, it is one more appointment, that it is taking time from my husband and my work, it is taking time from my friends and my church.  Yet if I don't go, I feel bad about paying for and being part of a class and yet not attending.  I have lots of anxiety if I am unable to make it.  I hate calling to tell them and if I don't I feel like I should have!

So tonight, I don't know what I am supposed to do except pray and hope for clarity.  I am supposed to go tomorrow night, I am supposed to practice at church, I am behind in work, and I left my ballet slippers at home.  I have no idea how to get it all done and be there.  So once again I struggle!

I will pray! Pray about when is too many good things just to many!  When do I say no so that I can say yes? Tonight I need to pray for the ability to identify any (C), the ability to set it down, and then the willingness to make the decision He wants me to make! 

109- Friends

So I have been lying here trying to decide what to blog about.  For a moment I considered not blogging at all, but I know tomorrow I would regret that.  There is something wonderful and amazing about trying hard to stick with something.  It is pretty rewarding and though I have been far from perfect at this process I am trying to let go of the failures and keep moving forward. 

I finally decided tonight I would write just  a bit about friends.  Friends don't have much to do with Crap, or at least good friends don't.  Good friends encourage, good friends uplift, good friends give me courage and really good friends make the crap just crap and so much easier to wash off. 

Today I had the privilege of spending time with a wonderful friend, Beth.  No not me, another Beth. There isn't anything profound to say about our time together, it was just a wonderful time.  We didn't solve the worlds problems or even ours but I just really enjoyed our time together.  Reflecting on my day, there is definitely crap I could tell you about, (nothing I have not already written about many times before) but this blog is supposed to be about living Minus the Crap, and today the minus the crap part of my day, was spending time with Beth.

If you want to live minus the crap spend some time with a good friend, who knows you and still likes you! In my childhood I had a terrible time with friends!  I was often the third wheel, shunned, left out.  I remember being hurt a lot by girl friends.  It made me gravitate toward the boys.  Not as boyfriends but just friends.  Girls hurt me way to often and their stupid petty ways wounded my soul.  Yet after having a terrible childhood, with a string of failed friendships, in my adult life, I have been richly blessed.  Friends have helped me through some of the darkest times.  Friends have helped me celebrate the biggest joys.  I feel very rich in my friendships.  Lavished upon and what a blessing it is!

So tonight I am reminded of how important these bonds are with the women in my life! There are many of you and I love each one. (I would start naming them but am certain I would leave someone out and I don't want to do that)  You know who you are! You know I love you!  I appreciate you walking this road with me!  I appreciate the simple joys of just being together.  Thank you for being the minus the crap part of my life!    

108- Christmas Vacation... OVER!

I head back to Pisgah in the morning.  Vacation is over.  I was reflecting on my vacation and it was amazing.  Filled with gatherings with people we love, fun and lots of work!  Left school, to start vacation and started working to get ready for our weekend at the Beach with the Andersons, then home to get ready to go to my parents for Christmas, then home to get ready for our New Years Eve party, then get ready for the Agape Feast.  Now it is time to go back to work.  I am excited about getting back to work.  Seeing the students.  Getting things checked off my to do lists.  But as always I hate leaving my home and more importantly the man who makes it home.

So I have been thinking and talking a lot about last nights post.  This is the deal.  This blog has given me just a little glimpse of the healing that can take place when we are able to to open about who we are, what we like, and what we struggle with.  This has led to me wanting more than anything to be able to be really free.  Free to share without fear of what those in the church think, or what anyone thinks.  (Maybe I'm going through a teenage rebellion :))  JK.  I don't want to waist energy worrying about what anyone else thinks.  I have plenty to do just praying about what Christ thinks and wants. If my church or any church is going to be filled with those who are critical of others than it will not be an environment for the Holy Spirit to work on their hearts. After all it is very difficult to listen to the Holy Spirit if they are thinking about what everyone else thinks.  Example:  I love nail polish!  I have always loved nail polish.  Before New Years Eve I went and bought some dark gray, (looked black) nail polish to match my party outfit!  I love, black, red, or french manicure.  I just think all three can look so classy.  So I painted them "black" and have really enjoyed it.  Then came the agape feast and in the hurry and rush to get everything done I didn't have a change to change my nail polish.  I sat at this amazing Agape feast and I was thinking about what others were thinking, and if they saw my nail polish.  Such (C)!  I was trying to keep it hidden from the conservatives.  I knew I shouldn't been thinking about it, I tried not to, but knew that any other color would have been fine, but black, they were going to think I was gothic, or any number of terrible things.  Mind you, I don't think there is anything wrong with it and before God I was fine, it was the critical people that I was worried about. There was no room for the Holy Spirit because sadly my mind was only on others (C)!!!!  ERGGGGG!

I am growing very weary of that (C).  I need to be concerned with coming before God, about being His child and representing Him as I should, NOT what the criticals' think!  My allegiance needs to be to Him and only Him. After all, if I am thinking about what they are thinking, I am not thinking abut HIM!  If I am worried about how they are perceiving me, then I am not thinking about what my Savior has done for me.  So tonight as I prepare to go back to work, I took off my nail polish, (not because of the criticals' but because of school rules), I am going to do my best to live openly me.  I am going to do my best to let go of the worrying about what others think and be willing to boldly be who He wants me to be. I also want to make sure that I am part of the solution for the criticals in my church by being a safe place.

107- Sad

Yesterday we found out that our pastor is taking a medical leave of absence. We are praying for him and hoping he returns soon, but understand the reality is that it may not happen soon.  The news has created just a sadness that should be explained this way.... In our church there have been growing challenges, growing struggles around the same issues every church deals with.  For years we have been so at home in our church.  When stress in the world has been escalating our church has been a constant place of refuge until recently.  Recently it has not felt so safe.  If has felt like a place where we are constantly trying to be changed, not by God or the holy spirit, but by other members.  Criticisms of each other seems to be growing all the while everyone keeps talking about we need more unity.  It seems the more unity is talked about the farther and farther apart we become.  With the news that we don't have a pastor for an unknown length of time, I have just felt sad.  Please understand, I understand and am happy our pastor is taking the time to work on his health!  I am happy that this is available to him! I am praying for him and his wife!  I am sad because I don't feel at home in my own church!  I don't feel like it is a safe place anymore for me.

I don't want to start a fire storm of gossip about my church.  I just had to be open.  Each of us struggles with things in our lives that are NOT public to the world.  Each of us has struggles that we would rather not share with the world.  Frankly each of us has struggles we don't even want to admit to ourselves.  I know that in this blogging process being open is important.  I know I have been quite open about a lot of very personal things. That was the point of this blog. But even in all this openness, there are still things that I have not shared.  Even in trying to be as transparent as I can be there are still things that all of you don't know.  Some days I just want to blab it all, to just scream to everyone every single struggle I have or have ever had.  The problem is this, I can't!  Even in this "safe" by invitation only place I can't share everything.  If I can't share it all in this, by invitation only place,  I certainly could never be completely transparent in my church. 

Why is this important.  Well today I am afraid my church is becoming less safe.  Less safe when we need to be becoming more safe!  We need to be going one direction and I feel like we are going the opposite direction! In this process of blogging I KNOW that being open is so important to growth, to healing, to learning to KNOW my Savior.  A safe place is vitally important to our growth and yet for some reason the idea of a safe church seems to not sit well for so many in our church.  It is more important to them that we indoctrinate instead of embrace.  Indoctrination is more important than introduction to a loving Savior. 

So why is this subject important to this blog about me letting go of Crap!  Well, tonight I am filled with sadness, filled with a feeling of discouragement and I don't know what to do with it other than write it down.  Other than to share it and pray for a transformation in my church as well as in my heart!  I know that I need Him to transform my life!  I know I need to have a spirit of willingness, a spirit of cooperation, and not of despair!

106- Love Feast!

It amazes me how no matter how many time God shows me that with Him all things are possible, I still doubt, stress, and fill my mind with ridiculous (C).  How is that possible?  I was filled with worry, doubt, and anxiety about getting the Agape Feast together.  I didn't take the time to get myself ready the way I would have liked! I didn't have everything planned before going to sleep last night, so it was a sleepless night!  So that is all the (C).  What was reality?

Chris calmed my fears, quietly and lovingly assisted me the entire day!!!!!!! Friends helped out!!!!!! Friends talked with me while I decorated!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything came together.  It turned out beautiful and delicious! What a blessing the entire day was, from the preparation and set up, all the way through to the clean up, it was one blessing after another. 

I am so tired tonight, that I am just going to say this.....

Tonight I find myself more in love with my husband! He knows me, hears me, helps me, calms me, and enjoys it all!  What a guy!

Tonight I am reminded to recall all the ways God has blessed in the past, when worrying about the future!  He has given each of us so much evidence of his working! He has over and over shown us His love, and when I am doubting, I need to look at what he has done in the past and let go of the worry (C)!  He's got this!!!!! (As Andrew would say!)  He's got this and I need to stop giving the worry (C) energy!

Tonight I am so appreciative of my church family!

Tonight I am exhausted and snuggling down! GOD IS GOOD!